Leah's Last Stop
by O. N. Labbit
Summary: AU/Wolves/Vamps Leah's POV, as she's sent to live in the foster care of Cullen family for last six months until being aged out. Universe must be misaligned cause Leah with Cullens brings @ one INSANELY FUNNY AU. Lemon at end, potty mouths and pot.
1. A New Home

A/N This is my attempt at an all human story with Twilight characters in an alternate universe. This is definitely AU. Bella will come along later. Since this is human I made up eye color for the characters. They couldn't all have golden eyes. ^^

**Chapter One – A New Home**

Foster home, after foster home I lived out my last 12 years. From the age of five this was all I knew. The new home was supposed to be different. I knew one thing – it would definitely be secluded.

The case worker, Ms. Templeton, drove up the long dirt drive for 20 minutes. We passed tall sequoias, firs, redwoods, all manner of dense foliage in the far northwestern peninsula of North America. We neared the Canadian border we were so far north. For a moment I suspected I would soon be a victim of murder, rape, something horrid – maybe bondage and torture like some Forks Hostel. Ooh, such wicked things played in my mind.

"Leah, we're here," Ms. Templeton stated, pulling up to an alcove of tall, thin pines with a three-story modern home tucked within. Glass windows were at all levels, and it looked like some futuristic architecture. It also looked like these people were rich. Why'd they want foster kids?

Intermittent low fog hid portions of the house, like something I'd have read in an Edgar Allen Poe novel. This was the House of Usher – modern version. It was definitely… different – more different than any other foster home I'd stayed.

"This will probably be your last, Leah – you'll be aging out in six months," looking to me for emphasis, "_please… _make the best of it."

"Thank you, Ms. Templeton, for that insightful addendum. At least I'm close to the Canada border for when I… _age out_."

"Please behave yourself this time."

Poor woman had the dourest look on her face. It was a comely face. Her hair was tied back into a bun, like a schoolmarm. Eyes, hair, and skin were all inconsequential colors – basic brown.

I grinned, "You do know that Templeton was the name of a rat in _Charlotte's Web_ – right?"

She breathed a heavy, cumbersome sigh. "Let's meet the Cullen's."

Leaving the car she came around to my side, opening the door. I stepped out of the car and spied three teens running around behind the house, playing tag or something. No, they were tossing a baseball around with mitts. There was a blonde, a large, dark-haired guy, and then a thin blonde one. And then another, tall, much handsomer young guy joined them. His hair seemed golden in the sun. Hmm, he was definitely the cutest.

I followed Ms. Templeton to the door.

We stood on the wraparound porch. I wore a peeve coat and jeans, just some tennis shoes and a knitted skull cap, with dangling tassels over my short, black hair.

"AHH-CHOOOOOO!"

I jumped nearly out of my tennis shoes, at someone sneezing next to me, and turned.

"WHOA – what the hell!" I exclaimed when I saw the small creature in the corner.

"Leah, please," Ms. Templeton reprimanded harshly.

In the corner a young girl sat, with a dilapidated copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ in her hand. I hadn't noticed her when we walked up and she was so quiet – like some ghost haunting their porch. I wanted to kick her and make sure she was real.

"Hi," Ms. Templeton spoke to the small girl, acting friendly.

The pixie looked at her feet instead of at her. She was petite, with short hair going every which way. I think she was crazy – or mute.

Ms. Templeton lowered. "You don't have to be frightened."

The small girl slid to the wraparound banister on the porch and then jumped down and ran away.

"What a weirdo," I said.

"Leah, please don't be mean. That little girl has probably had a very hard life."

"Join the club."

The door opened before Ms. Templeton knocked and a woman of average height with light green eyes greeted with a big smile. She looked like someone from a show in the 1950s. Her smile was probably phony for the case worker. Once the door closed her true self would show.

"Hello, hello," the woman gestured for us to enter and we did. I looked over the entry. These foster people were rich. There were light beech wood tables, with vases and flowers everywhere, and leather couches in a sunken living room in front of us. The flooring was hardwood and looked shiny – like she polished it a lot.

"Leah, this is Mrs. Cullen."

"Hello Leah," she told me. "It's nice to finally meet you. You can call me Esme. All the kids do."

"Hey… Mrs. Cullen," I said quick, looking over the inside of the house. There were photos lining the stairway to the left – lots of photos of kids. They had a sunken living room with two long, black leather couches and two leather chairs that matched, and an HDTV. _Sa-weet._

"Leah," Mrs. Cullen told me, "why don't you go out back and get to know some of the other kids. I'll get Edward to show you around. He's been with us the longest."

"It's cool," I said, "I can find my way around."

The woman smiled again. She acted like she was really nice and friendly, but they'd done that before. I never trusted foster parents.

"Alright, then if you just go out the back door," she started walking, "follow me, I'll show you."

Mrs. Templeton nudged my forearm, "Let's go."

I quickly pulled my arm away from her and followed Mrs. Cullen. I didn't need to be led like some cow.

At the back of the house was a large kitchen, with stainless steel appliances. The area I was in was the family room, I think. They had a billiard table, more leather couches, and then a large round kitchen table in a nook, with seating for eight.

Out in front of me was the floor to ceiling windows that had a beautiful view of the forest behind their house. I had to admit, this area of the world was pretty.

Mrs. Cullen went to the back door and called, "Edward, can you please come here?"

_Shoot, she was getting that guy any way._

The teen who ran up to the back door was the cute one. He looked over at me, and then grinned to the side.

"Edward, this is Leah," Mrs. Cullen told him.

"Hey Leah," he waved.

"Hey," I said back.

His eyes sparkled, a golden color, like amber stone, and then his hair was golden brown. He was really handsome.

"Can you show Leah around?"

"Oh sure," again he grinned crookedly, like he was posing for a magazine cover, and trying to glower or something. "Come on," he waved again.

I followed him out the door and was prepared to meet the others.

Once we were far enough away from the house he turned to me and said. "What are you?"

That took me back slightly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Your skin is darker – so what are you? Middle-Eastern – Mexican – Indian… you know, what are you?"

"I'm a human – what do you think?!" Gosh, what a jerk!

He yanked my skull cap from my head and I grabbed at it.

"Let's see, you have black straight hair and grey eyes."

He was perusing my face and I grabbed at my hat again.

"Give it back!"

He laughed, "You're actually pretty." Looking me up and down - "Decent bod."

"You're actually an ass," I told him, finally grabbing my hat from him.

The other ones came running up, as I slipped my hat back over my hair.

"Hi," the blonde one greeted, "I'm Rose."

I didn't say anything to her, still pissed at the Edward guy.

The blonde, and blue-eyed girl then began to introduce, "This is Jasper, my brother," pointing to the thin, blonde guy, with ice blue eyes, "and this is Emmett," she said his name sweetly, and then grabbed around his arm. He had a big arm, because he towered over us all. He was like a bear.

He smiled down at her and I guessed they were a couple.

I finally spoke, not looking at Edward, "I'm Leah. I'll probably be here for six months. Then I'll be heading to Canada."

I turned and then walked away to the forest.

I could hear the blonde talking. "What'd you do to her, Edward?"

He started laughing. He was such a jerk.

As I walked further into the woods I spied the spiky head of hair of the mute girl from the porch. She was watching from behind a tall sequoia. The trunk swallowed her, she was so small.

As I approached she looked like she was about to take off.

I yelled, "Don't worry – I'm just walking."

She actually came out from behind the tree slowly, still holding that old copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_.

"Will you be staying long?" she asked. Her voice was very soft, but lyrical. It matched her petite sized.

"Maybe six months," I said.

"They like to play games. Don't," she pointed to my hat, "let Edward bother you. He teases you when you first come. It's like a test."

"Thanks." I looked back at the four, and then back to the little girl. "He failed my test."

She snickered, with a breezy little laughter. "I'm Alice."

"I'm Leah."

She then seemed to skip up to me. I guess she stopped being afraid. "There are giant wolves in the forest. They're the keepers – like in _Princess Mononoke_. But there aren't any white ones – only black and brown, and other colors like that." She then seemed to perk up, "I want to ride one, one day."

I placed my hand over my mouth and coughed, wanting to laugh. "That's… interesting."

_She really was crazy._

"No – there are." Her eyes widened. They were giant, root beer brown eyes. She looked like a sugar baby her eyes were so big and her face so small and petite. But it made her look cute, like a little doll. She even had freckles.

"We're going to be splendid friends," she told me. "I foresee it."

"Um… _yeah_."

The lady, Esme Cullen, was calling from the back door, "Time to come in for dinner!"

Alice suddenly grabbed my hand. "Let's skip."


	2. Round Tables and Cages

**A/N **I'm hoping this is a good story. I have some tongue-in-cheek humor. I try to mix the humor with serious truths. I hope that is what I accomplish, any way. Please let me know how you feel about this AU All Human fanfic.

A/N Okay, something was pointed out to me and slowly I realized - this is not an all human fanfic. There are shape-shifting wolves. LOL So... um... this is a non-vamp and all werewolf fanfic. :D Sorry for the confusion. When I started it was supposed to be All Human, but something changed while I was writing. Hm... imagine that? O_O

**Chapter Two – Round Tables and Cages**

I quietly observed the Cullen foster family during dinner. We sat on a circular table like King Arthur and his knights. It was to show that no one was more important than the other. I think that's why they had a big round table. So, they could act like we were all special. I had lived with a foster family like this before. And then, I accidentally started a fire in the kitchen and they pulled me out. I didn't understand. It was the only family I kind of felt safe with – but, they didn't feel safe with me.

Since then, I just didn't bother. Why? Foster families and people always let you down.

At the middle of the circular table was a Lazy Susan with a bowl of salad, breadsticks, and then the pan of spaghetti and meatballs.

All ate heartily, especially the boys, who seemed to be in a contest to see who could eat the most and with the worst manners.

"So Leah," Esme Cullen spoke so that all could hear, "you'll be in 12th with Edward, Emmett and Rose."

I nodded, chewing on a breadstick, averting my eyes down, toward my plate. I could live on bread.

"Jasper and Alice are in 11th grade," she explained, "I work at the school also, so on Monday I'll show you around."

"What," I said, "do you do at the school?"

"I'm the school counselor – but only part-time. My main practice is in child psychology and many of my patients are students at the school."

I laughed, "That's why you have a house of messed up kids, huh?"

Edward smirked at me again. Every time I saw him he was making a face, like some male model and then he'd lower his brows and glower. Was this his form of flirting?

Alice then chimed in, "I'm not messed up - I'm messed down."

"Alice stop making nonsense," Rosalie scolded, but with a snicker underneath. She seemed like she was nice to Alice. "Leah's too new to understand Alice-speak."

"Then I'll wait until next week to explain to her," Alice said, and then delicately popped a meatball into her mouth.

_Gad, I fell into a family of total weirdoes. _

Alice sat beside me and I could feel her poking my thigh under the table. I finally looked over and down. She wanted to show me something in her hand. It was a meatball. She then pocketed it. She leaned over and whispered in my ear. "_It's for the wolf tonight. They like meatballs_."

"Alice, what are you doing?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"Nothing Carlisle," She furtively shot a glance my direction.

"Please don't bother Leah because she's new."

"She won't," I said, slightly upset. "She was just trying to make me feel all homey, Doc."

Esme sighed heavily.

I turned to see Rosalie had watched our entire engagement with the meatball. She was smiling.

"Tonight," Esme spoke, "you can sleep with Alice. Rose has her own room, now that she's older."

I glanced over at Emmett and Rose, touching under the table and making eyes back and forth. I imagined Emmett visited her room a lot. It made me glad I wouldn't be rooming with her.

Rosalie then initiated a new conversation, "So Leah, where are you originally from? Have you always lived in Washington State? You look very similar to the Quileute tribe nearby."

I didn't answer right away and then looked to Esme, "Is she allowed to ask me personal questions?"

"You have the right not to answer," Esme stated, with a look on her face like she felt sorry for me.

"Okay, then I plead the fifth."

"So you're intimidated by my question?" Rosalie prodded.

"No. It's called I just don't want to answer."

"It's not a difficult question to answer."

"Rose," Dr. Cullen finally interrupted. "I think it's apparent she doesn't want to share her life at this point. Maybe at a later time – when she's more comfortable with us."

"No, I'm sure I never want to share about myself with you people. I'm only here for six months and then I'm leaving for Canada. I'm pretty sure I made that clear earlier."

The Cullen make-believe family eyed me. Esme did her compassionate, doe-eyed look. She then started a new conversation over where they'd like to go for spring break. They talked and I munched on another breadstick.

It was January and I spent Christmas in an office, waiting for a home to open up. This one became available and now I'm here in the middle of winter. I'm here listening to these people talk easily amongst one another and the only one I feel close to is the crazy Alice who hid meatballs in her pants to feed to giant wolves in the forest. How pathetic was that?

And then there was that _stalkerish_ guy, Edward, who was glowering at me again.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Someone was poking me in the arm.

"Psst, wake up."

I opened my eyes slowly, and then screamed.

"Ahhh…mmm," a hand was over my mouth.

"Ssh, it's just me."

It was Alice - her face directly above my face - with her hand over my mouth. She nearly gave me a heart attack.

I yanked her hand off my mouth and then sat up. "What the hell?!"

"Ssh," placing a finger over her lips, "I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me," she whispered.

I looked over the bedroom. This bed was really comfy, and I can't say I didn't enjoy finally sleeping in a warm, comfortable bed. Our room was on the third floor, with windows all around, a view of the forest of tall trees, their silhouette like giants against the glass, since the moon was full and brightening the outside.

"No, I don't want to go." I lowered, pulling the covers over myself, and turning. "I'm going back to sleep."

She was poking me again.

"I'm not listening," I whispered.

"They like you."

I didn't understand what she meant.

"The wolves like you. They want me to bring you to meet them."

I finally turned. "Look Alice – I hate to break it to you, but wolves don't talk – they're not giants in the forest – and you're just having an episode. I think you need to have a serious talk with our local child psychologist, Esme Cullen."

"She's a doctor too," Alice said. "Why is it only Carlisle is called a doctor and not Esme? She has her PhD. in psychology."

"I…" I was frustrated. "I don't know – and I don't give a flip."

"That just bothered me."

"Thanks for sharing. Goodnight."

I tried hard to fall back to sleep, but I could feel Alice staring at me. I looked over at the clock. It was 3 a.m., the witching hour.

I turned over and Alice was there, her large eyes reflecting off the outside light, looking like they glowed in the dark. Man, she was kind of freaking me out. She was staring at me.

She asked, "Why didn't you want to answer Rose's question?"

"What?"

"Do you know where you're from?"

I thought that over. Actually, I didn't. I was found wandering on a street when I was five with no memory of how I got there. Police took me in and then that began my life of being shuffled from one foster home to another.

She then told me, "I was kept in a small room once. It was for a long time. I was their pet and they told me only food for when I was good. Sometimes there was no food. They said I wasn't good a lot."

I slowly sat up. "What do you mean?"

"Esme and Carlisle saved me. I was so small because I grew up in a cage. They walked in to the room I was kept, and I didn't speak and they looked down at me and unlocked the cage. Esme cried when she saw me – I don't know why. They finally took me out of that cage with police and other people, and then brought me home."

That was sad. I asked, "Are you being serious?"

Alice nodded. "They were fat people who would eat in front of me and then kick crumbs my way. I thought it was funny that they were so fat. I don't trust people who are fat."

"…Always a good life maxim."

She giggled. "You always say funny things."

"Were those your real parents?"

Alice looked off. She didn't speak for a few seconds and then said, "I don't know."

No wonder Alice was so messed up.

"How long were you kept in that cage?" I asked.

"I don't know. I don't remember things. I remember Esme told me I was twelve when she brought me to live with them. So maybe I was in the cage twelve years."

It was strange, but there was a knot forming in my throat. It made me want to cry. She spoke about something so horrible so casually. Poor Alice.

"So," she smiled, "ready to go with me to the forest?"

I sat on the bed, looking out the windows. I turned toward little Alice, "Yeah sure – what the hell."

She pirouetted on the spot, happy at my decision.

**A/N** Thank you for reading. I'll update according to response.


	3. Big Wolves in the Forest

**A/N**

You know what we need more of? JASPER! WOLVES! And SWEET LITTLE ALICE AND HER MEATBALLS!

I appreciate if you subscribed to my story, and especially if you wrote a review. Those are encouraging. There have been a lot of responses to this little story. It's probably one of the most fun stories I write. I'll try to update more frequently. Sorry it's been awhile. Thank you to those who read this. *bows*

**Chapter Three – Big Wolves in the Forest**

It was freezing outside. I had my favorite cap with tassels, pulled down tightly on my head and over my ears. I had a muffler around my neck, and wore mittens. My peeve coat was on and I had jeans and tennis shoes. My legs were freezing.

Alice was like a small marshmallow beside me with her fat down jacket. She wore layers and had duck boots for the mushy ground. She also had a cap with cat ears and flaps that went over her ears, muffler and gloves.

"We g-g-going?" I asked.

"We're waiting."

"For… what," I said, crystallized smoke coming from my breath.

"For him," she pointed.

The smaller and thinner boy named Jasper walked up. He wore a big coat, gloves and one of those Russian muskrat fur hats. He also wore mud boots, and carried two flashlights.

He stood close to Alice, his ice blue eyes looking like crystal clear liquid pools reflecting the light from the moon.

"Hello Alice," he said his voice a soft lilt. "I brought the flashlights."

"Hello Jasper. Thank you." She pointed to me, "Leah said she will join us."

He told me, "I only have two flashlights."

"That's cool," I turned to Alice, "Since Leah is wondering why you made her come and freeze her ass off, since you already have a buddy to go out into the woods to talk to your imaginary wolf friends with."

Alice giggled, "I told you she is very funny."

"Yes."

Jasper continued to look to Alice, as if he were completely enamored by her. I guess I hadn't bothered to look before, but now I remember he never talked until now. And at dinner he did stare across the table at her quite a bit. He was just so quiet I hadn't noticed him. He was like a chameleon, blending into his surroundings.

"We should go," Alice told us and grabbed my hand. Jasper followed along the other side of Alice.

She and Jasper would whisper to one another as we walked. I continued to question my decision to come. I should have probably gone back inside when Jasper showed up, but something inside wanted to go into the forest tonight. I couldn't really explain it.

We walked further and further into the density of trees that grew taller, fauna that became thicker, and mossy, wet forest floor. The trees loomed above us like guardians, with spirits circling their trunks and branches as the fog moved through the Olympic Forest.

The smell of pine and moss, of soil and salt from the ocean that produced the fog, floated across my olfactory senses.

My heart raced the further we walked, as Alice held my hand, pulling me along.

I finally asked, "Alice, do we have much further?"

"Only a little bit more."

At least all the walking was heating me up. I wasn't as cold as before – or maybe, I was just numb and couldn't feel anything.

Alice suddenly stopped, nearly making me fall backward. She held her finger to her lips, wanting us to be quiet.

"Jasper," she whispered, "do you have yours?"

"Yes."

"All of them?"

"Yes – all my meatballs are here."

My lips were pressed tightly together. Something about a young boy, with a soft southern lilt in his voice saying all his meatballs were here… just… no words.

I knew if I spoke I would burst out laughing. But, I had to ask, "Alice," it was going to happen, "do I get meatballs?"

I couldn't help it and burst out laughing. I laughed so hard it echoed all around us. I was cracking up, full throttle.

Jasper and Alice looked to me, their expressions unchanged and placid.

I coughed. My laughter slowed. I coughed again, clearing my throat. They really knew how to kill the mood.

"Hey," I whispered, "I was just… you know… wondering."

"Okay," Alice finally told me, "here." She handed me a squishy meatball from her pocket. "Actually, I saved it for you. It's probably best – that way they most definitely won't eat you."

"Won't eat me?"

Suddenly there was a loud noise moving toward us. It was the sound of gentle thunder along the forest floor. I even felt it in my tennis shoes. The vibration of what felt like many hammers against the ground.

"What is that?" I asked, feeling like I wanted to run.

Alice and Jasper held out their meatballs.

The sound grew louder, like drum rolls on mud. What it was – it was moving quickly toward us.

"Hey," I was feeling panicked. In the distance I saw large shadows – really, big shadows.

We needed to run. It was growing. The ground was thumping so hard under my shoes, like the beginnings of an earthquake.

"HEY!"

Jasper looked to me and quietly said, "ssh."

My eyes must have grown to twice their size. I could feel them stretching out my eyelids, at what I saw.

Giant shadows raced toward us. They were shadows the size of large horses, those kind who pull Budweiser wagons.

"Oh… WHAT THE HELL?!"

I turned and I ran. I ran hard. I ran away.

"NO!" Alice called to me.

I threw the meatball behind me and kept running, until my soggy tennis shoes caught in the mud. I fell hard, flat on my face. I fell knee deep in mud. I was stuck.

The sound grew behind me and I could feel the shadow, it was on my back. It was going to eat me, the entrée after the meatball.

I was struggling in the mud. It only made me sink further.

Alice ran up. "Leah! Leah, you okay?"

I turned slightly, frightened at what I would see. It was just Alice and Jasper.

My heart was racing so fast it felt it would blow blood out my ears. I looked around them. There were no wolves. Where were the giant wolves I saw?

My breathing made fog envelop my surroundings. Every breath the icy cold fog formed new ghosts from my mouth.

I coughed again. I was crying.

_Man, I was such a baby._

"Leah?" Jasper asked, holding out his hand. "What's wrong?"

"You…" I looked around them again. There was nothing there. "…You… didn't see them?"

"Of course – they ate our meatballs," Alice said.

"FUCK THE MEATBALLS!"

I looked around them again, my breathing finally slowing. Was I seeing things? Was I on something? Did they sneak some hallucinogenic drug into my system? Was it in the meatball?

Alice and Jasper glanced to one another.

"I think he liked that you gave him the meatball," Alice said, looking sad that I yelled. "Probably good you had one after all."

Jasper placed his hand on her shoulder. It made her smile.

I wiped across my face, and my hands were full of mud. I spread mud all over my eyes. "Ow," they burned. I wiped some more, but my hands were covered in mud. "Oh… shiistey shiiste! OWWWWW!"

I was stuck in the mud and crying – my eyes burning.

Everything I did - made my situation worse. Each time I moved I sunk deeper. I was halfway under mud.

Jasper whispered to Alice and then she and he got on either side of me, grabbing under my arms, and pulled me out of the mud slowly.

I sat on the ground, covered in mud. Jasper then pulled a handkerchief from under his coat and gave it to me.

I took it and wiped off the mud from my eyes and hands, and then slowly worked my way to standing. I felt like a giant swamp monster, covered in wet, sticky mud. My body shivered in the cold.

Alice walked up to me. She was so small in comparison to even me; she came up to just under my chin. She patted my shoulder. "It will be alright, Leah."

I sniffed up the last of my tears. "Thanks." I cleared my throat. "You all have amazingly real imaginary friends." I laughed nervously, having made a fool out of myself. "I mean… it kind of freaked me out."

And then I saw it – the largest wolf I'd ever seen. It was in the distance, standing on a precipice at the edge of the forest. The tall sequoia's framing its stature. The moon's light shone over its fur, shimmering black, like an ebony stone. The eyes watched me. They sparkled like polished amber stones. It was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. Majestic, as it stood staring at me.

Quietly I asked, "Do you two see that?"

Alice and Jasper looked back.

Alice told me, "Yes - I think he's happy he finally met you. He says thank you for the meatball."

If I never heard that word again …I would be fine.

**A/N** Thanks for reading. Next, Leah goes to school and meets the Queen B.


	4. School Daze

**A/N **I hope you all enjoy this. Let me know what you think.

**Chapter Four – School Daze**

Mrs. Cullen drove me, Alice and Jasper to school. Rosalie, Emmett and Edward drove their own cars. I wish I had a car to drive. I felt like a little kid stuck with being chauffeured like the two younger ones.

After the wolf encounter, I began to question if it was just a dream. Alice and Jasper kept smiling at me knowingly, like we all knew the same secret. Frankly, that night was really cold and uncomfortable. I'm sure I could have lived without knowing that secret. All I got from that night was a cold and a stain in my pants.

I sneezed.

"Bless you," Mrs. Cullen said from the front seat.

My nose was all _sniffly_ from being outside, wet and in freezing temperatures. I told her I thought I was coming down with a cold, but she said I'd love school. As if I was playing her, and trying not to go to school. Of course, maybe I was. She gave me vitamin C and made me sleep all day Sunday.

She was still playing the nice "motherly" thing, but I knew her true self would shine through. I just had to give it time, and she'd be smacking someone around – probably me.

"Leah, we'll get you situated with your classes and then I'll show you around," Mrs. Cullen said.

"Sure."

I watched outside the car as we drove into the high school parking lot. The sign at the school said: SPorks High School. I laughed. Someone had crossed out the "F" on the sign and replaced it with "SP." I needed to meet that person.

Alice held Jasper's hand when we disembarked the car, and skipped beside him. She seemed in good spirits.

Jasper told me, "Have a lovely day at school."

"Thanks - Jasper the friendly ghost."

Alice giggled again. She eyed him and he nodded. Great, I was here for her entertainment.

Alice pirouetted up to me and then hugged me, "Bye and have a good day. _They'll notice you_," she whispered in my ear.

"_What_?" I asked quietly. She never made sense.

They trotted off after Alice gave our foster mom a kiss and hug. Mrs. Cullen told her, "Have a wonderful day at school."

Rosalie drove up in her red Mercedes Benz. Emmett followed behind, driving a jeep, and then Edward pulled in, driving a silver Volvo.

_Where'd they get the money?_

Mrs. Cullen told me, "The kids are here."

I asked, "How'd they get those cars?"

"We have money."

"Will I get a car like that?"

"Probably not"

"Oh…."

"You won't be with us for very long – six months and then Canada – right?"

I nodded.

We heard a loud backfire. I turned to watch what caused the noise drive into the school parking lot. It was the crappiest truck I'd ever seen in my life. It was making horrible sounds, and sputtering large swaths of smoke, polluting the air, and then when she parked it let out another loud BOOM like it had blown a gasket or something.

She jumped out of her car, smiling, brushing her plain brown hair back behind her ears, and acting as if she was posing for someone. She held a small book in her hand and a piece of paper - and stood there. She placed some small ear buds from her iPod in her ears and then leaned against her truck, bobbing her head like she was cool and listening to some tunes.

"_Who's_ that?" I asked Esme.

"She's Isabella – Bella - Swan – a patient of mine." Esme touched my back leading me, "we should go in the school now."

"So, she's insane?"

"I don't talk over patient cases."

Before we walked off a group of bikers drove up to the parking lot. They were driving Harley Davidson's and in the lead was possibly the most beautiful guy I'd ever seen. His black hair was down to his shoulders, and his shirt was opened, revealing a six pack of abs, and perfect pecks. He wore jeans and boots, and once he parked he stepped off the bike and stood way over six feet tall.

He looked directly at me. I quickly looked around me, to see if he was looking at someone else, but he was looking straight at me. He smiled, his teeth were so perfect and white against his beautiful dark skin and he had big, brown eyes.

"That's the Quileute Tribe students. They only come three days a week for science classes."

The Bella Swan girl was in my peripheral vision, waving hysterically at the biker guy, the one in front, the leader.

He walked past her and then smiled at me again. The three other bikers followed behind him. They all had long, black hair and smiled, looking at me.

_Was I being paranoid? _They were all watching me as they entered the school.

"Jake! Jake – it's me!" That Bella girl was waving again, but he was ignoring her.

He walked up to me, smiled and said, "Hello, I'm Jacob Black. You must be the new girl at the Cullen's."

Words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I'd never seen such a gorgeous guy before.

"Yes," Mrs. Cullen answered for me, "This is Leah. And Jacob, you need to button your shirt for the dress code."

He slowly buttoned his shirt, like a backward striptease, still eyeing me. "Leah," he grinned again, so that his white teeth sparkled. "Nice name."

He then turned, as the three others from his tribe told me "hello" and then walked into the school. They looked like they were walking in slow motion. A wisp of black smoke, passing through the halls, and all the girls turned to look at them.

My heart was beating so fast, I hadn't realized until Mrs. Cullen was touching my arm. "We should go inside."

The crazy girl with ear buds bumped into me as I made my way down the hall. She looked at me and said, "My dad's the sheriff." She then spoke to Mrs. Cullen, "Esme is Edward going to be at our session today?"

"Yes – he is always at our session."

"Okay, I wanted to make sure because I brought this book to show him." She showed her the piece of paper.

I watched, realizing this girl was truly insane. I remarked, not able to contain myself, "That's a piece of paper."

"So?" she sniped

"_So_ – pieces of paper are not books."

"These are all Shakespeare's greatest quotes. I Googled them. It's the same thing. I say these enough times and people think I've read Shakespeare – it's not like anyone really read that boring guy anyway." She told Mrs. Cullen, pointing to me. "You really need to help that one."

She turned, but stopped, "Oh yeah, and Jake's mine – so back off!"

She then walked into the school.

"Pay no attention to Bella," Mrs. Cullen instructed me, "she has a few… _issues_."

"I hadn't noticed." I wanted to laugh. The girl was a whack job.

Mrs. Cullen showed me around the campus of two buildings. It took five minutes. I then went to my classes until the class just before lunch, Biology.

Edward sat at the front and when he saw me he gave me that weird glowering look again. He pursed his lips, as if he were modeling. What a weirdo. I walked to my seat behind him. There was a stuffed white snow owl on the sill, and he pointed to it, "Look, it looks like I have wings if I sit just the right way."

"Great Edward – you have wings." I rolled my eyes.

That strange Bella girl walked in. The fan was blowing and she stood there, letting it blow her hair around. She posed, moving her body back and forth like she was in an 80s rock video. A strand got caught in the fan, and started to suck in her head.

When she started screaming I started laughing.

Edward jumped up from his seat. He grabbed her head and pulled. She screamed louder. He pulled harder. She screamed more. He pulled harder. She was screaming like an orgasmic banshee. He yanked her head so hard - it ripped her hair before she was swallowed by the fan.

Jacob walked in the door, saw what was happening, pulled the plug from the wall, and then walked back to sit beside me.

"Cool move," I laughed.

"She does that all the time."

"The orgasmic screaming or the getting her head stuck in fans?"

Jacob laughed.

While Bella was being asked by the teacher if she was alright, Jacob was smiling toward me. "I'm glad we have the same class."

"Me too."

"You seem really familiar. Alice says that you're her best friend."

"We just met."

"Alice is a good judge of character."

"So, you know Alice?"

"We all know Alice."

_We? _

Class started and we sat, eyes forward listening to the boring instruction. I'd write a bunch of stuff to show my superior Biology knowledge, but I figure we need to get to the lunch scene.

Alice found me at lunch and she and Jasper pulled me to sit with them. Rosalie entered and all the guys watched her walk to her table, Emmett in tow. She sat by us also.

"Hi Leah," Rosalie said, "How's your first day going?"

"Just another school day."

I looked around and all the guys were drooling, staring at Rosalie. She was, I suppose, a hottie with honey blonde hair and blue eyes. She also seemed pleasant.

Edward walked into the cafeteria and then sat at the end of our table. He looked to me again, glowering. He always glowered. I wish there was another word for how he stared at me, but there really wasn't. I was beginning to suspect he was a sociopath, or psychopath, I always got those mixed up.

"It's a good thing you pulled Bella's head out of that fan today," I told him.

"Poor Bella – she's had it rough. Her hair always gets caught in fans."

"You say that with a serious face, too."

"Why wouldn't I?"

A hush fell over the cafeteria, and I turned to see why. The group of four Quileute tribe guys walked in the lunch room. Again, it looked like they were walking in slow motion as they entered.

Slowly they walked up to our table.

"ALICE!" they suddenly shouted.

All of them gathered around Alice, like a pack of dogs. Alice threw them meatballs from her spaghetti. They sat on their haunches catching meatballs in their mouths.

SHOOT – they were serving spaghetti?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I was being shaken awake. "Leah – Leah, wake up."

He kept pushing my shoulder, "Wake up – class is over."

I'd fallen asleep during Biology. Jacob was shaking me. The room was empty. The bell had rung and I woke up and then sneezed.

"Bless you," he said, with that wonderfully friendly smile. "You okay?"

"Just… a little sniffly from being out in this weather." I wiped across my nose.

He pulled a throat lozenge from his pocket. "Here."

"Thanks." I popped it in my mouth, it was cherry flavor. "I had a really weird dream."

"Really?"

"Ah, never mind – it was too weird."

"Want to join me for lunch in the cafeteria – I think they're serving spaghetti and meatballs – my favorite."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I woke up in the nurse's office. I had fainted after I heard they were serving meatballs for lunch.

Mrs. Cullen was sitting in a chair beside me, looking worried. She said I had a fever and she probably shouldn't have made me go to school. She said it was nice of Jacob to carry me to the office.

I was lying on the little cot in the room and looked toward the door. Jacob was standing there, smiling and he waved at me. "Glad you're awake."

"Me too."

This had to be my weirdest first day of school ever. I then heard someone in the cot beside me.

"Will it grow back?" she whined.

"Of course it will, my love." That was Edward's voice.

I looked over and Bella was there. There was a spot behind her head where her hair had been chewed off by the fan. Edward was sitting at the end of her cot, watching her. He told her, "You look beautiful."

"I'm a mess. The fan attacked me again."

"I know. The fan is always doing that. I hate fans." And then with a deadly permanence to his voice, "They should all die."

I had to look back at Jacob. He circled his finger around the side of his head, pointing out what I already figured out. They were both insane.

Mrs. Cullen told me, "I'll drive you home now that you're awake."

Jacob rushed over, "I can walk with you, Esme, and make sure she makes it to your car alright."

"Thank you Jacob, that's so sweet."

Everyone called Mrs. Cullen Esme - perhaps I should start doing that as well.

I turned to see Bella staring at me like she wanted to kill me. She had this wild, insane look in her plain brown eyes. Edward stared at her and she stared at me. She had said Jake was hers and so I grinned, as Jacob helped me to my feet. I held around his strong bicep, and grinned larger, as she stared, growing more perturbed.

I told her, "I hope your head feels better."

"I hope you die."

"I hope you go bald."

"I hope you die twice."

"You can't die twice."

"Yes you can."

"No you can't."

"I know everything and if I say you can die twice you can die twice."

"You're an idiot."

"If I am then what are you?"

"Huh? – that still makes you an idiot – idiot."

Mrs. Cullen said nervously, "Now, now girls – let's be civil."

Edward stood up. "Esme, I'll see you at our session."

"Thank you Edward. I'll be back after I drop off Leah."

We walked out of the nurse's office and to the car. Jacob handed me another throat lozenge. "Here – don't let her get to you."

"Like I would…."

"She has a way of getting to people."

"She can't get to me."

"Bella will get to you. She got to Eric, Ben, Mike and some other guy – can't really remember his name. But… she gets to people. She makes them do things – feel things – want things – no one in their normal mindset would do, want or feel."

"Are we talking about the same thing?"

"I don't know." He smiled, so that his eyes danced under the light of the sky. He was so nice. He was like the nicest guy I'd ever met. "You have beautiful gray eyes – like a wolf."

"Thank you – so do you – I mean, if I knew what that meant. But, now I'm saying things I don't understand."

"I understand. Love does that to you."

"_Love?"_ We were moving way too fast. "I only just met you."

"That's how things swing in Sporks."

Esme cleared her throat. "We really need to go now. I have an appointment."

I stepped into the car, and sat. Jacob watched us pull away from the parking lot. He stood, waving goodbye, standing in front of the school marquee, and then grinning, he pointed to the school sign: SPorks High School.

Haha, he really was cool.


	5. Sex Session

**A/N**

I've been asked if Jacob is imprinting with Leah. I hadn't thought of that, I was just playing on the whole love-at-first-sight that happened between Bella and Edward. It's just ridiculous fun and that's why Jacob is so gaga over Leah. However, if you want him to imprint – then I might make him imprint. I'm always open. Please give me a good argument for it in the review, and I will most definitely consider the option.

"_Good comedy always needs a touch of heart."_

**WARNING: There are sexual inferences next and I may have to change it to M. It's only for a small section of this chapter. Enjoy.**

**Chapter Five – Sex Session**

Esme Cullen dropped me off at the house, got me settled in upstairs in my new room with the comfy bed, told me to put on my pajamas and get some rest, and then drove back to the school.

I slept for a little bit, but then woke up feeling slightly bored. I thought over the weird first day at SPorks High School, Bella Swan and her piece of paper book, and her problem with fans, Edward's glowering, and then that hot biker guy, Jacob Black and his gang. At least it wasn't a boring school. I couldn't shake Jacob Black from my mind.

I was in this big house alone. So, I walked down the stairs in my pj's and slippers, and looked in the fridge. There was an apple and I grabbed it and took a bite. I then rummaged through some leftovers in see-through Tupperware containers. At the back was a container of leftover spaghetti and meatballs.

I pulled my head out of the fridge, chewing on the apple, thinking over the weird dreams and encounters I'd had with meatballs. The thought even made me faint. I'd never fainted before and I couldn't believe I had a meatball-induced black out.

I looked back inside at the red sauce staining the outside of the container – the container that contained the spaghetti and meatballs.

I pulled my head back out, looking over the kitchen area. Esme Cullen wasn't back yet. I took another bite out of the apple, considering what to do.

"What the hell."

I opened up the fridge, pulled the container out, walked to the garbage disposal, and started it up. I then threw everything from the Tupperware container inside.

The meatballs sounded like metal, as they ground up in the disposal for what seemed like forever. They just didn't want to die. I listened to the leftovers while chewing on the apple – chewing to the beat of the disposal – even humming _The Final Countdown_.

"What are you doing?!"

I turned and Mrs. Cullen was screaming, not violently, just like "what the hell are you doing with perfectly good spaghetti and meatballs?" kind of scream.

"I thought…" I looked at the empty container where the food had been inside. "I thought it was evil." I turned off the disposal.

Esme Cullen watched me closely, sighed and then said. "Maybe you should come with me to our next group session."

"What group session?"

"…The one that meets after school with some of the students." She walked over, placing the back of her hand to my head. "No fever. Why don't you come today?"

"Why don't I not?" I pulled back from her. "I'm not going to your crazy class."

"You were transferring evil to the spaghetti and meatballs. That's an obvious sign of projecting your fears to an inanimate object. What is it about spaghetti and meatballs that scare you? Is it because of the red sauce?"

I chewed on the red apple. What would that have to do with anything?

"It's just evil. I don't know why it is – it just is." I walked out of the kitchen quickly and back up the stairs. I didn't want to tell her I just had a "thing" against meatballs.

I lay back on the bed, my arm across my head, closing my eyes. I began to daydream about that hot Jacob Black guy. I could see him unbuttoning his shirt, slowly, working his way up each and every button, the wind blowing the shirt all the way open. Oh yeah. His body was so hot. It was like steam was coming off his pecks. He smiled his teeth super white and glistening – brightened by his dark skin. His smooth dark brown eyes watched me. He then ran his hand along my back, down along my waist and down the front of my pants, squeezing. Oh, I was totally going orgasmic, as he worked his hand down the front of my pants – massaging back and forth – back and forth.

He was suddenly in my bedroom. His lips pressed against mine and then he threw me on my bed. He slowly climbed on top. One leg lifted over my thighs, and then he straddled my body. Oh he was so hard. He then took my wrists and pulled them up and over my head and began to kiss me, pressing his thick lips against mine, working his way down along my neck. His hot body was outstretched over me, pressing against me. I could feel his every contour under his pants pressing into me. His body slowly lowering over me, and then his lips pressed hard against my breasts, teasing and biting, and then he ran his hand up my thigh, until I….

"Do you want to talk?" Esme Cullen walked into the room. She sat on a chair across from my bed.

"Not really." I turned, so that my back was facing her, instantly crossing my legs. She totally killed my wet dream.

"I'm going to be right here. Why don't you tell me why you thought the spaghetti and meatballs were evil?"

"It was a joke." Oh my insides were shaking like crazy.

"Was it?"

"Yeah – _you can leave now_," I squeaked, pulling over the covers, tightening my thighs together.

"I don't think it was."

"It was." I was totally feeling all wet and soaked between my legs. Oh wow, I was really pressing my thighs together tightly.

"Are you okay Leah – your breathing sounds like you're having difficulty?"

"No – I'm good."

"Why don't you tell me about when you burned down the Facinelli house?"

"WHAT – now?!" My stomach was so tense, the orgasm moving across it and down to my thighs, reaching my toes.

"Yes, why don't you tell me about it now?"

FUCK!!! What was with this woman?

"I didn't burn it down – end of story - goodbye."

"What about when you burned down the Stewart-Greene house?"

"I didn't burn down their house either. It was an accident also. And they were lesbians"

"Do you have a thing against lesbians?"

"No. I just wanted to make that _observation_."

"Leah, I know this is difficult for you. You've never stayed in a home for longer than three months. Do you even know what it is to have a home?"

My legs slowly loosened. She killed the dream. I loosened my thighs and just lie down on my back, the blanket still over me, taking a large swallowing of air, and then breathing out.

"Homes are for suckers," I said.

I stared up at the ceiling. She was such a psychologist. It wasn't like I hadn't met a shrink before. I knew the games they played. I knew the tone, the inflection, the sounding like they cared when they were just making it through another session to feel good about themselves. It was never about me. They probably thought I'd burn down their office. I don't know why fires started – they just did.

They diagnosed me a pyromaniac – when I wasn't. I didn't find joy in watching fire. It destroyed everything I'd ever connected with.

"Are you okay, Leah?"

"Yeah – fuckin' awesome."

"Does it make you feel better to cuss?"

I threw up my hands. "It's just – _what it is_. Is cussing not allowed in your house?"

She stood from the chair and then walked over, staring down at me on the bed. Her brown eyes looked like Riesen caramel candies. I averted my eyes from her.

"I'm sorry," she said to me. "I'll let you sleep."

I glanced at her. She smiled. She was doing that sweet person thing.

She then placed her hand on my head, and lightly brushed my hair down and walked to my door.

"Esme?" I called.

She didn't answer at first but then said, "Yes?"

"I'm going to call you Esme now."

Again it took her a moment before she said, "I'd like that. Oh, and by the way, our session starts at four o'clock, so I'll come by at three-forty-five to pick you up."

_What?! _ I turned from the bed and she was already gone.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I couldn't believe I was in this stupid room with the insane people. She made me get dressed and come with her to Room 302 in the school for the group session.

There was juice and apples, water bottles and Rice Krispie treats, at the back of the class. I grabbed a water bottle and a Rice Krispie treat, and looked for a place to sit.

Chairs were arranged in a circle so I wouldn't be able to sit in the back.

"Where are you sitting?" I asked Esme.

She pointed to the chair across from the door. Of course, that way she could catch people peeking in.

I sat in a good spot. Not too close to Esme and close enough to the snacks.

First person who walked in the door was some blonde-haired guy with pale blue eyes. He saw me and instantly sat next to me. "Hi, I'm Mike."

"I'm sure someone in here will care about that."

He laughed, pointing at me, "Oh – hah – you're funny."

Two more boys walked in the room and sat. One was on the other side of me and the other beside him.

The first one said, "Hi I'm Tyler" while breathing down my neck.

"_Space_," I pushed him back.

"I'm Ben, and I'm Asian," the third one said. He looked away after introducing himself and looked a bit more timid than the others. Why'd he say he was Asian? Did he think I'd mistake him for a Swede?

And then a fourth guy entered, sitting beside Mike. He introduced himself too, "I'm Eric – Eric Yorkie." He had a crooked grin and greasy dark hair.

"Like the dog," I said.

"What is?" Mike asked.

"Yorkie," I told him, "Yorkie Terrier. His name is Yorkie – like the dog."

Mike pointed to me again, and laughed, "Hah – you're funny." He kept pointing over and over, like he was shooting at me, and laughing.

I looked over to Esme. She sat smiling, looking over her notes. I wondered why I was the only girl here.

The door swung open. Edward walked in with his arm around Bella Swan, and wearing sunglasses.

They sat across from me and then Bella's eyes peered at me, and her lips thinned. "You," she growled.

I looked over the room, and then directed my comment to her, "Good – there aren't any fans."

I could hear Mike, "Hah – you're funny."

This time when he pointed at me he poked me in the side of the head, pushing me into Tyler, who was breathing down my neck again, and I pushed him into Ben.

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

I jumped from my seat.

Ben screamed like a girl.

My heart was racing after the piercing scream.

When I looked over the rest in the room, they sat staring at me like I was the one who had screamed. They just sat still, as if his screaming was no big deal. I guess he screamed like a girl all the time.

"Hah – you're…"

"…_Funny_ – I know," I sat back down, wrapping my arms across my chest.

"Leah, why don't you begin by introducing yourself to our group?" Esme asked.

"I don't belong here," I stood up. "You all are insane people."

"We are not," Edward told me. He then asked Esme, serious and whispering, "Am I still insane?"

"You're not insane, Edward. You're making splendid progress."

He turned to me, "I knew I wasn't – I'm a sociopath – it's different."

"You're a what?!" I looked to Esme, "you let a sociopath take me on a tour in the woods?"

"He is a recovering sociopath," Esme told me.

"It's not like alcoholism." I was beside myself. "What are you?" I pointed to Bella, "a psychopath?"

"I'm a nympho… nympho… um…" she asked Esme, "What was that word again?"

"Nymphomaniac dear and you have a goddess complex."

"See?" She bragged, "I'm musical."

"Wha…? You are an idiot."

"I know I am, but what are you?"

"That makes you still an idiot. Stop saying that if you don't know how to say it correctly."

I stomped to the door, and then pointed to the four guys that walked in the room first, "And what are their problems?"

"They're just here for me," Bella said, giggling. "All of them want me."

I looked at the four guys staring at me. Oh yeah, she had a goddess complex.

"Please stay, Leah," Esme told me.

"No, I'm done here," I told her. "I'll walk home."

She started writing down something on her notes. I was probably going to be sent away. I hadn't even lasted a week this time. I ran out the door, down the hall and out of the school. I'd just head to the border now. Get it over with.

**A/N** I'm sorry if this wasn't very funny. I hope you caught the name placements. There will be more Jacob and Alice next chapter. I'm sure someone will get run over or something similar.


	6. Little Girl Lost & Duct Taped in Woods

**Chapter Six – Little Girl Lost and Duct Taped in the Woods**

It was pitch black in the middle of the night, and I was duct taped to a tall pine - five feet off the ground from head to toe. How I got here was as strange as the first day of school, and my stay in Forks so far. An odd group of occurrences started off the chain reaction.

I think it neared midnight, as I hung above the ground. I hoped they wouldn't forget me. I also hoped maybe Jasper and Alice were out on a meatball expedition and would find me and free me from what I think was a joke. I wasn't really sure. I was kind of stoned when it happened.

But this is how it started – this is how I found myself at the end of this strange day duct-taped to a tree in the middle of Olympia National Forest:

After leaving the school, I walked along the highway, a two-lane black top, splashing in the myriad pot holes feeling emo and pissed. Rain soaked my pant legs, my light jacket, and my skull cap. Even the tassels were soaked and splashed up on my chin. I had to keep pulling their little wet noodles out of my mouth. I was so pissed at how this place was constantly wet.

"FUCK!!!" I looked around the emptiness, "WHY IS IT SO WEEEEEEEEEEEETTT?!"

I screamed at the top of my lungs.

That was it! I was stuck in the rainiest place on earth possibly because Ms. Templeton-the-rat thought I wouldn't start fires in a wet environment. Why did everyone think I started fires? Not that I cared. But why now – why throw me into the abyss of Forks – Sporks – whatever-the-hell rain forest now? If they were so worried about my fire tendency, they could have placed me on an island in the ocean – Hawaii would have been nice.

I decided to yell again, "FFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!"

My voice echoed, so I did it a few more times. It was really cathartic.

I laughed to myself. My cussing echoed through the rain. I think it was getting dark – but, who could tell with the low clouds, fog and 300 foot trees surrounding?

I began to wonder where I was as I slowed. I had walked really far. Esme Cullen didn't come searching for me. Maybe a part of me hoped she would have come looking for me. Maybe a part of me hoped I wasn't throw away material.

I turned 360 degrees looking over the area. Once I stopped yelling "fuck" it got really quiet – almost eerie. The fog was thickening at the edges, crawling along the black top and I couldn't see very far at all. It was like that movie, _The Fog_, and it came up so quickly.

"Wow, where am I?"

I needed to find out if I was even going the right direction toward Canada.

Right then, a dark blue van bumped along the highway toward me. I began waving, wanting them to stop. Maybe they could give me directions.

The van passed me, and I noticed two guys in the front seat with long hair.

It then slowed, the brake lights flashing, like they were contemplating stopping, or not stopping. The van jerked forward, and then back, and then forward – back – forward - back - and finally reversed, pulling up beside me.

The window lowered and out popped a dark-haired guy that looked a little like Jacob Black and his gang. I almost wished it was that hot Jacob Black.

"Hey dude," he said, "you're on private lands."

"Really? I didn't see a sign."

"It's like known – dude. Trespassing is not allowed."

"I'm sorry - I didn't know."

"Dude – it's cool."

_Did he think I was a guy?_

"Do you know the way to Canada?" I asked.

"Oh…" he turned back to the other guy in the van. "Yo, dude – need a lift?"

"To Canada?"

"Sure."

"Cool."

"Get in."

I walked around to the other side of the van as they opened the door. The van was filled with smoke and three more guys with long dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes. They looked tall, despite sitting down. I was fairly tall at 5'8", but these guys looked like they were all a foot taller than me.

"Whoa," I waved my hand as the smoke floated out from the van. That was the distinct smell of marijuana. It was a van full of pot-smoking reservation boys – neat.

I climbed into the back and sat down on the floor with the other three. The flooring was covered in 70s bright orange shag carpeting and the windows were blacked out. The above light was on and I coughed. There was a lot of smoke. I was getting a buzz just sitting.

The ones in the back passed a bong, and the two in front were passing a joint.

I pulled off my jacket, and removed my skull cap, shaking out my hair. They all suddenly said, "Whoa," the way stoners say "whoa. It's a chick."

"You're a girl?" The one in the passenger seat asked. "I've never seen you around here. Were you in college? What's your family name?"

"Um, first off – I'm not from around here – second, no family and no family name – and third, no college yet – I'm in high school."

"You sure?" the guy asked, as if I was lying. "You look like you're from around here. You kind of look like the Clearwater's."

"Yeah," the driver stated, "you're definitely Quileute."

"I'm not… Quileute. I'm Leah – just Leah from Seattle, I think."

"_Whatev_," Passenger seat guy said, "Maybe you just don't know where you're from – just a little girl lost in the woods."

I was beginning to not like the guy in the passenger seat.

"Maybe," I told him. "_So_?"

The driver introduced, pointing to the passenger side guy, "Hey don't pay attention to him, that's Paul - I'm Sam, and then back there they can handle intros."

The one with the bong said, "I'm Quil," he pointed to the other two, "Jared and Embry."

"Hi," I said, "I'm Leah."

The two with the bong were whispering and then one asked. "Want some?"

"Sure – what the hell? I could really use something mind-altering after the day I've had."

They all laughed since they were totally stoned.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but they were all shirtless and talking about night patrols. I guess they guarded this private property I was on. They didn't look like security personnel, but maybe in Forks security services were more low key.

I know I was pretty fuckin' stoned. I hadn't had this grade of pot since a home I stayed in, in Oregon. The teens that lived there knew how to score the thick _purpley_ weed with hefty buds.

"Hey," I asked, giggling, "you guys know that dude… uh… Jason Bal-lack."

We all giggled.

"You mean Jake," the bong holder, Quil told me. "You mean Jacob Black. Did you see him at the high school?"

"Yeah – yeah – that dude." I then looked more closely at Embry, "Hey – weren't you with him?"

"Yeah – we go to the high school three days a week – me, Jake, and Seth Clearwater. You kind of look like his mom – she's a total MILF."

Paul asked, "So… do you like Jake?"

"He's fuckin hot!" I looked around the group of shirtless, tall and handsome Quileute guys. "I mean – you're all fuckin hot." I couldn't stop laughing. Wow, I hadn't been this high since… I didn't remember. It made me laugh some more.

Paul asked, "You want me to set you two up?"

"Well… I don't want to be pushy."

"I date his sister."

"Cool – why isn't he here with you guys?"

"He's kind of a loner – a lone wolf."

They all giggled high and shrilly with that stoner laugh.

The van pulled over, parked, and all of them started pulling off their pants, until stripped down to their boxers.

"Whoa - are we in Canada already?" I asked, still laughing.

"Nope – we're at First Beach."

Quil, my bong buddy, grabbed my hand, "Come on – we're going swimming. It's too hot."

I looked over his body, "Got that right."

Suddenly I was standing at the top of a cliff. All the boys were cheering me on, "Jump – jump – jump –jump."

I asked Paul, "Is this the initiation?"

"Nope – this is just us jumping off the cliff into the water. It was getting too hot. We tend to overheat."

"Okay," I answered, totally out of it and more fuckin' stoned than I'd ever been.

I looked over the edge. We were really high up.

I asked, "And you all do this all the time?"

"Yeah – it's nothing." Paul dared, "you scared?"

I looked over the cliff again, "Not if you aren't – wuss boy."

I looked down one more time. It was really high up.

Paul pushed me off the edge before I was ready.

I could only think to yell:

"FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!"

Water engulfed me in an instant. I was underwater, splashing, struggling to make my way to the top. It was fuckin' cold. I was swallowing gulps of water, trying to make my way back to the surface.

I finally surfaced, coughing and spitting out water. I looked around me. I was treading the water, watching the others jump one after the other into the water nearby.

"Whoooooo!" I shouted, "That was fun!"

"Whoa – you are like so wasted," Quil said, swimming up to me.

"I am," I giggled, "I so fuckin' am wasted."

Embry followed, with Sam behind. Sam said, "I'm impressed. You act like you were born jumping off cliffs."

"It was more like I was pushed – but yeah, sure."

"And she smokes pot like a Q," Embry said.

We all treaded water in a semi-circle. The moon's glow trailed along the water, like a path to the horizon. I looked out at the trail of light that seemed to float along the water – it was like an inverted shadow of the moon. I felt like I was part of them – it was strange. I felt so out of place with the Cullen's, but I felt at home here.

"I actually live with the Cullens," I finally said. "None of them came looking for me – goes to show how little they care. I ought to just live here."

After I said that all the Q-guys stopped laughing.

"The Cullen's," Paul growled, swimming up to me. "You live with them? The crazy Cullens?"

"I'm like the new foster kid." I looked at how they stared at me, "is that bad?"

Sam asked, sounding slightly suspicious, "Why'd you come on our lands again?"

"No reason – just walking to Canada."

"Last time a Cullen came here…" Quil began and the others gave him furtive glances so that he instantly shut up.

"Did they do something… wrong?" I asked.

"No," Paul answered, "we don't need to talk about crazy Cullens – who are crazy. They never come on our lands. We don't allow them… ever since…."

They all looked to Sam, who I surmised was the leader. He said, "They always pee - in the water – on our trees – marking up our lands like it was their's. Crazy peeing Cullens and their poor potty habits."

"Especially that Emmett and Edward," Paul spit out. "We suspect maybe Jasper too when he's not around Alice. But now that you're one of them."

"No – I'm not like that. Really – I only pee in bathrooms."

"She's probably just like them," Paul said.

"Yeah," they all agreed.

"Every time those freakin' crazy Cullens come here…. Those Cullen foster kids think they're funny – peeing here and peeing there – peeing everywhere. They're not allowed any more. The foster dad, Carlisle made a truce and now they aren't allowed on our lands." Paul was eyeing me angrily, "None of the Cullens are allowed on our lands or we consider it breaking the truce."

They all suddenly swam away from me and got up on the beach, putting their pants back on.

I swam over, thinking over the fact I was swimming in pee water. I wondered if that's why Esme didn't come looking for me. Maybe it was the pee truce? It seemed only the male Cullen's had poor potty habits, as Paul stated.

I climbed out of the water and realized I must have been really stoned. I was only in my bra and panties and all the boys suddenly were staring at me. I looked up at the top of the cliff. My clothes were up there. I looked back down at the five. Three other guys gathered around, staring at me, as if I were the first girl they'd seen in a long time. All of them wouldn't stop staring… and drooling. I felt like a pot roast amidst a pack of wolves.

Paul said, "She's a Cullen – you know what that means."

They all nodded.

"She's a trespassing Cullen," Paul said, rallying the crowd of Q's.

"What?!" I shrieked. "Honest – I held it in. I'm with you guys – those Cullen's are crazy." I held up my hands, "I totally agree – fuckin' crazy Cullen's. I don't even think Esme is a real psychologist."

Paul whispered to Sam and he nodded. Sam looked to me, "sorry – it's the rules."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's how I ended up five feet off the ground, duct taped from head to toe against a tall pine. They assured me someone would be by to take me down in the morning.

I'd been here long enough I was finally sober. The wind blew the mist, so I was getting sprayed in the face. Man, I hated how wet this place was. The tape was chafing on my skin too, and I started to get really uncomfortable.

In the distance, walking through the forest I saw a shadow. It looked like a guy. His copper skin, toned and muscular, reflected off the moon's light, and then I could see more clearly. He was naked. There was a naked guy walking around the forest.

I couldn't help but stare. His back was to me and then he bent over and picked up some shorts, slipping them on. Darn. And then he turned and I saw his face. It was the Jacob guy.

How embarrassing. He was going to see me duct-taped to a tree in my underwear. I mean, they duct taped me so that I was like a mummy, but still….

Why was he walking around the forest naked? Oh man, now I couldn't get the vision of his dark, beautiful body out of my mind.

He turned, walked over, just underneath me, scratched his head. I watched how his shoulders moved and his dark black hair tousled when he mussed it. He was so tall and came up to my knees while I hung on the tree. He was the most beautiful, bronze creature I'd ever seen. He was standing there, his back to me.

I was about to call his name when suddenly he took off. He took off running away, back into the forest. It was like he heard something and had to leave. _Wait_.

That's it. I'd had enough of this. I started struggling to get free from the duct tape. Why'd I have to pay for the Cullen pee truce? I hadn't even lived with the Cullen's for that long. It was that Paul guy. I knew I didn't like him.

I couldn't budge, and kept trying to loosen the duct tape.

"Hi Leah."

I looked around the area. I knew that soft little voice.

"What are you doing up there?" she asked again.

I finally looked down below. Whoa, it was Alice. She was so small and wearing black I didn't see here at first.

"Hi," I said. "Hey, um…" I realized I was taped to a tree above here and it felt awkward. "How's it going?"

She giggled. "Why are you up in a tree?"

"I… was put up here by those big guys."

"The Quileute Tribe?"

"Yeah – those guys."

"Hmm… did you pee on their trees? They hate having their trees marked up with unfamiliar smells. They're territorial like that."

"No - gosh… _no_ - what an insinuation?"

Her head only came to the bottom of my feet. She stared up at me. "I was just bringing some beef jerky to the giant wolves, but they're all gone. I couldn't find the meatballs – hmm, I don't know what happened to them," she pondered.

I thought over how I killed the meatballs earlier in the garbage disposal.

"It looks fun being taped to a tree."

"It's not fun." I struggled under the duct tape. "It's kind of painful now. The tape's kind of catching to my arm hair… and I forgot to shave my legs. And it's really tight."

"You do have a lot of arm hair."

I hated having all this arm hair. _She noticed?_

She was wearing a black coat and black boots, with black mittens, and a little black Neko hat with ear muffs. She always looked so cute.

"Hey Alice, could you please get me down?"

"I'm not supposed to - they only duct tape trespassers to the trees. They did it to Edward once and he didn't want us to cut him down. He said it felt good – but then, he was a sociopath at the time."

"Isn't he still a sociopath?"

"…A recovering sociopath. And then I wished I was a trespasser so I could be duct taped to a tree."

She pulled down the ears from her hat, thinking over what to do. "I can't reach you to get you down, anyway. You're too high up. I'll have to find Emmett and Rose – they're tall - or maybe Edward. Jasper and I are too short."

"No – not Edward."

"Why not?"

"He's… he's a… you know… sociopath."

"…A recovering sociopath."

The whole Cullen family was insane. How do you become a recovering sociopath? I was fairly positive Esme Cullen was a quack psychologist.

Alice finally chimed, "I'll get Rose and Emmett then." And she skipped back off into the woods.

Hours later I was cut down from the tree. Emmett wouldn't stop laughing at me. He thought it was hilarious I was duct taped to a tree in my underwear. Rose told him if he looked at me once he'd die – so he didn't. I appreciated her for that.

It took forever to remove the gooey duct tape residue as I soaked in a hot tub. And I couldn't stop sneezing. I would miss more school after catching a really bad cold. In fact, I'd be stuck indoors for a week, sneezing and coughing with the flu.

Rose brought me home my homework, though, and even took notes for me. Carlisle lectured me. Esme mothered me. Alice talked incessantly. I mostly slept. And, I mostly felt happy to be in a comfy bed.

But then, something happened while I was home sick. There was a knock on the Cullen door. Someone came over to deliver some clothes of mine that they found by the cliffs.

He stood in my doorway, fully dressed, but as beautiful as I remembered. Jacob Black brought my clothes back… and I wasn't dreaming. He was about to enter my bedroom.

**A/N**

Jacob in Leah's bedroom next chapter – _oo-la-la_. And, more Bella and Edward and they're crazy antics at SPorks High. I'm sorry it wasn't as laugh-out-loud funny, but I'll try to make it sillier next chapter. ^^

Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	7. Saved from Runaway Ugly Orange Trucks

**A/N **I'm kind of messing with Bella and Edward's love story, and placing Leah and Jacob in their place. I also think this might be a parody. I love writing Leah as a femme fatale who is always getting injured, but eventually getting the upper hand.

Included in this chapter: Apples. Runaway Trucks. Wild headboard banging.

**Chapter Seven – Saved From Runaway Ugly Orange Trucks**

Jacob Black entered my room, carrying my folded clothes in his arms.

"Hey," he smiled, dropping them at the end of my bed.

"Hey," I sat up, straightening my hair out. It kept flicking up at the sides and I kept pushing it down, "Huh, I look a mess."

His eyes never left mine. "You never look a mess to me."

"Oh," I giggled like a ten-year-old girl, or Alice.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Pretty good now," I coughed lightly. "I can probably go back to school on Monday."

I nervously sat against the headboard of my bed, fiddling with the fold in the comforter.

"Um, thank you for bringing me my clothes."

"Sure." He smiled again so that his white teeth sparkled. "I like your pajamas."

"Really?" I looked down at my old Led Zeppelin T-shirt that I wore to bed. "You like Zeppelin?"

"Yeah, despite everyone else in Forks listening to Muse and Paramour."

"They do?"

"Bella does all the time."

"Bella?" I wondered why he brought up the idiot girl.

"Yeah, she's always listening to them – at least, that's what she tells me whenever she catches my attention in the halls, 'Hey Jake – listening to some Muse,' like she's cool."

I laughed. "I can see her doing that."

"Now I'm all Zeppelin and The Who… sometimes Beatles."

"I love all of those groups. I especially love the Beatles – and Muse, despite Bella listening to them."

"Cool, maybe we can listen to The Beatles together some time." He moved from the chair to my bed, sitting close to me.

"Yeah."

His eyes were scanning my face and then staring down at my chest. "I heard you were a victim of duct taping in the woods by Sam and those guys."

"Oh yeah. They duct taped me to a tree."

"Ah, I wish I would have seen that."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah – you – in your panties – and bra – duct taped to a tree – just sounds really," he then leaned in so close I could smell the mint in his mouth, "_hot_."

"_Oh_," I squeaked, sounding like it was an orgasmic sound.

He then leaned slightly further and his hot lips touched mine. I kissed him back. He reached around my back and kissed me again, harder. I opened my mouth, feeling his breath enter, and then we continued kissing on my bed, our tongues sliding in and out one another's mouths.

I pulled away from him, "I don't want to give you a cold."

"I don't catch colds. Even if I was running around naked in the woods I wouldn't catch a cold."

"I loved seeing that, by the way."

"You what?"

"Nothing."

He kissed me again, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me in, biting my lip and then ramming his tongue down my throat, growling. My head was banged against the headboard hard suddenly, he was getting so rough.

"Ugh."

He kissed me again, banging my head against the headboard, again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

"Ugh," I was losing consciousness, but it didn't matter – he was such a good kisser that I didn't realize he was banging the hell out of my head.

"Hey," he shook me, "you okay?"

"Ah doze… stahs?" I slurred, pointing around me. "Yu-buh-saw-gah-tooooo."

"What?" He shook me again. "Oh man, I think you still have a fever."

I was passing out from the head injury. My eyes were rolling back in my head.

"I'll go get Dr. Cullen."

He got up, pushing me down on my pillow, which only made him ram my head into the headboard again.

"Don't worry," he held my head in his hands, kissing me again. Ah the sweet taste of his lips pressed against mine made me forget the headboard induced concussion – that, and I think I was blacking out on and off.

Esme just knew I fell out of my bed and that's why I had a concussion. I realized I should only kiss Jacob on beds without headboards. If he wasn't so hot, I'd question why I was so head-over-heels in lust with him. But, despite his rough kissing he was so sweet. That and he was so hot; plus, I'd seen him nude, which only upped the hot factor by a gazillion points.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

On Monday, I sat in Biology beside Jacob Black. This time Bella didn't get her hair stuck in the fan. Probably because the fan was turned off.

I'd catch Jacob staring at me throughout Biology. Edward would turn and glower at me since I sat behind him. Bella would too.

It was Monday so I asked them, "You two going to your _crazy_ class today?"

"Don't pay attention to her," Bella told Edward. "She's just jealous because her hair is black and not brown."

Edward nodded, then to me, "BROWN HEADS RULE!" and then pumped his fist.

I said, "You're both idiots."

"I know we are, but what are you," Bella singsonged.

I'd let that one slip. Jacob and I both snickered at their random stupidity.

As we left class for the lunchroom Bella told me, "I'm giving Edward a ride home in my truck."

"You mean that ugly orange piece of junk in the parking lot?"

"Yeah," she stuck her tongue out, "that one."

"Thanks for the news I don't give a flying fuck about."

I walked away, leaving her with her mouth hanging open.

Entering the lunchroom I saw Jacob sitting in the corner with his biker gang. I recognized Embry and he waved with a "hang loose" sign and then yelled, "Hey dude!"

I was pretty sure he was stoned again… and he thought I was a dude again. I waved back. I couldn't fault him too harshly for duct taping me to a tree. He happened to be with Paul and Sam, the ringleaders.

My arm was pulled by Rosalie, as she told me, "Why don't you sit by us?"

"Okay." I sat down across from Alice and Jasper, Emmett was beside Rosalie and then Edward was at the table with Bella. Why'd he bring her?

I noticed all the guys in the lunchroom were staring at Rosalie, just like in that strange dream I had.

I looked across to Jacob longingly. He longingly looked across to me.

I asked Bella, "Hey, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Oh – wait a minute – I know this one." She instantly began to ponder the answer.

I laughed while I headed over to the salad bar looking for something with protein or meat. They only had sunflower seeds in way of protein. I then reached for an apple, knocking it off the salad bar, probably because it was a fruit and placed in the wrong spot beside vegetables.

Jacob was suddenly right beside me balancing the apple on his foot.

"Cool trick." I looked down at the apple on his foot.

"Hacky sack," he then kicked the apple straight up – it smacked me in the middle of the head.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I woke up in the nurse's office.

Esme told me, "Jacob had to carry you in… again."

Jacob stood at the door, smiling, his arms crossed, and leaning against the portal just like before.

"Hey," he waved. "Want me to give you a ride home?"

I began to wonder if that was safe. I'd had two concussions in three days with Jacob Black.

"Sure." I didn't care. I'd throw caution to the wind.

He had to tell his biker bros that he was giving me a ride, so I told him I'd meet him out by the curb.

I walked along the black top of the parking lot. It was rainy again – it always rained in Forks. I had my little skull cap with tassels pulled down over my head and my light jacket.

I suddenly heard tires screeching and turned to see Bella smiling, driving her ugly orange truck toward me, with Edward in the passenger seat, glowering.

I turned and I was in front of a large blue van, trapped. She was going to run me over.

Just then a giant red wolf jumped in front of me, causing the ugly orange truck to smash into him and not me.

I ducked behind the wolf; he was an extremely big wolf like those ones the other night. I couldn't believe he was saving me from crazy Bella and her bad driving.

I could hear Bella scream, "AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

When I looked up I saw her fly overhead. I turned to watch her tumble across the ground a few times, rolling into the street, causing cars to brake and try to miss her tumbling body.

I then heard Edward screaming, "MY LOVE!"

The wolf turned, staring at me. There was something familiar about his eyes. They were such a rich, dark brown. And then he leapt 20 feet in the air and ran off toward the woods.

Soon everyone ran to me, Alice, Rose, Emmett, Jasper and a lot of other people that weren't important to my story in Forks.

"Are you okay, Leah?" It was Alice.

"Yeah… I think so." I felt a little disoriented and dizzy. That could be attributed to the concussions.

"Did you see the giant wolf?" she asked.

"Yeah." I looked out toward the woods, considering how he blocked me from being run over. "He saved my life," I said.

Still disoriented, I looked around and then saw Bella on the pavement, shaking a fist at me. I stuck my tongue out at here. Her ugly orange truck was completely smashed in with a dent that was the shape of a wolf.

Edward was helping her to her feet.

I scanned the area, wondering where that wolf ran off too. He saved my life and I wanted to thank him.

"Alice, do you have any meatballs?"

"No – Esme told me you killed them because they were evil."

"Ah." I laughed nervously. I couldn't believe Esme told her that.

"He won't come back," Alice told me, "He doesn't want anyone to see him."

"How could anyone not see the giant wolf in the middle of the school parking lot?"

"I don't know – sometimes things happen right in front of people's faces and they don't see it."

I looked around and realized no one was talking about a giant wolf. Maybe she was right. How could they not have seen him? Maybe he was moving so fast that he looked invisible. Hmm….

Bella stomped over. "You ruined my truck."

"You shouldn't try to run people down."

"I lost control on the slippery road."

"I don't think so."

"Don't call me a liar."

"I didn't."

She had a large bump on the top of her head. I pointed to it, "You should go have that bump checked out. It's getting really big – like a goiter on a witch – but more like a goiter on a _bitch_."

"What?!" she shrieked, turning to Edward. "Do I look like a witch?"

"No, my love, you are as beautiful as always." He then turned to me. "You and your little dog are dead."

"What little dog?"

"You know… that big… wolf… thingy."

"You just called him a little dog Ed – make up your fuckin' mind! And stop coining _Wizard of Oz_ phrases just because your girlfriend looks like the fuckin' witch of the west!"

I started laughing at him and Bella.

Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper pulled at me, like they didn't want me to make Edward upset. "We should take you to a hospital and get you checked out," Rosalie told me. "You might have another concussion. You're ranting," she said, emphasizing toward Edward.

"Yes, she's definitely ranting," Emmett added, grabbing around me and shaking me so hard I was getting dizzier.

Jasper grabbed around my arms, as if I would fall, shaking me also. "She's ranting like a mad monkey."

"Wha…?" I was so dizzy. "_Stop_… _shaking_… _me_."

I looked over at glowering Edward and dimwitted Bella, and then flipped them the bird.

"Oh crap," Rosalie punched me in the face.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I woke up in the hospital.

Dr. Cullen was standing over me. "You took quite another fall after almost being hit by that truck."

I was pretty sure Rosalie knocked me out with a right upper cut. I wasn't sure.

Jacob walked in, "I'll drive her home, Dr. Cullen."

"Oh certainly - I'm sure she's fine. You two kids have fun."

I loved how Jacob always happened to show up wherever I was. I smiled, thinking over that I'd finally get to see Jacob. His eyes suddenly looked very familiar to me. Hmm, I wasn't sure where I had seen those beautiful, big, dark brown eyes before. I was feeling really out of it.

Ah well, at least I was going to sit on the back of his motorcycle pressed up against his hot body.

**A/N** Haha, Rose always gets the job done.


	8. The World w 3 Concussions & Brain Damage

**A/N **I _overwrite_ on purpose in this story. I just thought I'd let you all know. *heh* I try really hard not to write purple prose.

In the following: Dance Numbers?! _West Side Story_?! Wolfy Rides?! Oh my….

**Chapter Eight – The World with Three Concussions and Brain Damage**

I held tightly around Jacob Black's waist. He drove his hog up the long drive to the Cullen's home. Ah, I was in ecstasy leaning my head against his uber warm back. I even dozed off.

He parked and we both climbed off the bike. It was already dusk.

The wind blew through his dark, black hair, and his eyes were like Milk Duds, unlike Esme who had eyes that looked like Riesen caramels. Although, his eyes might have been closer to Junior Mints or even Goobers, which made me realize maybe Esme's eyes, were closer to Werther's originals. Why was I thinking over candy?

I suddenly felt like going to a movie.

"How's your head now?" he asked.

"It feels much better."

He leaned down, "Can I kiss you goodbye?"

I looked behind me. There was nothing to bang my head senseless on. "Sure."

Again his lips were so moist and fit over my mouth so perfectly. We kissed for a long time, exchanging spit and wrestling with our tongues. He was really good at tongue wrestling. I'm sure he had some French in his ethnic make-up. We made out until he slowly pulled away.

"I've never met anyone like you, Leah. You're just so… _Quileutey_."

I giggled. "Thanks – so are you."

"If I didn't know any better I'd think you were Sue Clearwater's daughter and Seth Clearwater's sister."

"I've heard that before. Your fellow Quileute friends told me that."

"Hmm, wild – they're usually not that observant when they're stoned."

"Me neither."

We stared into one another's eyes for a long and meaningful time.

"Hi Leah and Jake."

We turned and it was Alice, with Jasper in tow.

"You two are making out again," Alice said giggling.

"Have you calmed down?" Jasper asked me.

"I'm pretty sure all of you were the ones that weren't calm," I said. "And I'm pretty sure Rose knocked me out punching me across the face."

"I think you were delirious," Jasper told me, and then more ominously, "_Beeee-ware_."

"Of what?"

He shirked his shoulders, "Eh, I don't know," and then he and Alice walked into the house.

"I'd better go," Jake told me, then roughly grabbed around my back and kissed me again. "Yummy – I'd like to just eat you. Your smell is a mix of sweetness and… meatballs."

"Like a marinara sauce?"

"I'm no chef."

"What is with everyone in this town and meatballs?"

"They're a good healthy protein rich meal."

"I just wish everyone would just fuck the meatballs."

"I'm straight."

We stood there a long moment. Our conversation was making less and less sense.

"Um… okay." I think it was best if I just swallow in his beauty and not get too deep in food discussion.

I watched him drive off and then walked into the Cullen home.

Esme made us a dinner of beef stroganoff and salad. I watched Alice stuffing some stroganoff in her pockets again.

I whispered to Alice, "Can I come with you to see the wolves tonight?"

"Sure - you want to see the one that saved your life?"

"Yeah."

She scooped up some stroganoff and threw it onto my pants.

I jumped in my seat, as the hot stroganoff burned my thighs.

"Oops," Alice giggled, "sorry."

"Alice, what are you doing?" Carlisle asked.

"Nothing."

"I'm pretty sure you were doing something."

"I'm doing nothing something."

"Ah, okay," Carlisle went back to eating. I now realized… both he and Esme were completely incompetent doctors, and quacks.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Alice woke me at three a.m., just like the last time we went into the woods. We snuck downstairs and met Jasper. His face was so pale and white I again greeted him, "Hey, Jasper the friendly ghost."

"Hey Leah – how's your head?"

"I guess its fine."

Jasper handed me a flashlight and I followed behind he and Alice into the woods. Tonight Alice wore a cute red overcoat that made her look like Little Red Riding Hood. She carried a basket of goodies for the wolves. I was dressed with mud boots this time.

We walked at least 30 minutes when we heard a howl.

Alice raised her hand in the air, signaling for us to stop.

"Tonight, I'm going to ride one," she whispered to me.

I thought _if it doesn't eat you first – you smell like beef stroganoff._

Overhead it was a very dark night. I looked down at my watch, walking forward, trying to see the numbers. It read: 3:33. Oh man, I always had a bad omen about times with all three numbers matching, like: 1:11, 2:22, 4:44, and 5:55. I always felt something bad would happen at those times.

Alice and Jasper were suddenly gone.

I spun around, looking for them.

"Alice," I whispered. "Alice? Jasper?"

I knew I spent too much time looking at my watch. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care… about time? Oh shoot, I was thinking of a Chicago song.

First I was thinking over eye color similarities to candy and now Chicago tunes. I loved Chicago tunes.

In the forest I suddenly saw the guys from the Quileute tribe: Sam, Paul, Embry, Jared, Quil, Seth, and Jacob leading. They were walking in formation. They suddenly stretched out their arms and did a quick step to the side. They circled their arms around in a half arc and did a half-step in the other direction, and all said, "Hah-chah!" They were dancing, synchronized dance moves, and spinning and then saying "Hah-chah," Sam leading with magic hands through the forest.

I turned to see the Cullen's copying their moves. "Hah-chah," they said in response to the Q's.

"One… and a two… and a three," Edward said while leading the dance number, using his jazz hands. Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, and then the girls, Esme, Alice and Rose, were following his moves headed toward the Q's.

They were re-enacting the Sharks versus the Jets opening dance scene in _West Side Story._

I shook my head. Okay, something is definitely wrong. I'm seeing things.

They kept dancing back and forth, simulating a fight scene, but with cleverly choreographed movements, so they didn't actually fight, they just kind of stretched out their legs, fell back on their hands, and then jumped in the air, landing on one foot with the other leg extended back like in ballet.

Soon they were synchronizing jumping on the trees, holding to a branch and then releasing, landing gracefully on the ground, acting like they were kicking the other; but again, it was all that wild choreography.

I backed up. All the dancing was making me want to join. But… what troupe - the Sharks or the Jets? Which one were they? I couldn't tell if the Q's were the Sharks or the Cullen's were the Jets. And, did I want to dance with the Q's or the Cullen's. It was so confusing.

I ran backward and into the trunk of a 300 foot sequoia, falling on the ground.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"I don't want to join the Jets – those guys have Russ Tamblyn dancing with them. I want George Chakiris! _Bernardo_!"

"What?" Alice asked, standing over me, "Who's _Bernardo_?"

I blinked and then looked around. It was a pitch black night and Jasper and Alice were standing over me.

"Leah," Alice said, "You need to stop hitting your head."

I sat up; my head was throbbing.

"Be careful," Jasper held at my back. "You walked into a low branch while looking at your watch."

"I did?"

Alice and Jasper both nodded.

"Oh," I held to my forehead – it hurt.

I looked around the forest. It was hard to see anything. I asked, "No one is dancing?"

Alice and Jasper continued to glance to one another. They whispered amongst themselves.

Jasper answered, "No one is dancing." He hesitated momentarily and then asked, "Do you want to dance?"

"No."

I rubbed my head. I'm sure I'd hit it too much in the last few days and now I was seeing entire dance numbers re-enacted by everyone I'd met.

I looked up and standing over Alice and Jasper was that red wolf. He was staring at me. I remembered those eyes.

"Is there a wolf behind us?" Jasper asked.

I nodded.

"Just standing there?" Alice asked.

I nodded again.

"Hi," I said to the wolf, my voice shaking. "Thanks… for saving me today – I mean, yesterday."

Alice told me, "I think he's here because he's worried at you hitting your head again. I think he's worried you might start to develop…"

"…brain damage," Jasper finished her sentence.

The giant wolf drooled on Alice's hood. And then he suddenly bit down on Alice's red overcoat, grabbing her at the scruff of her neck.

"Don't eat her!" I yelled.

He lifted her off the ground, shucked his head back and she flew in the air.

"Whoa, would you look at that," Jasper said.

I jumped to my feet, "He's eating Alice – don't just stand there!"

Alice landed on the red wolf's back.

"Get away from her!" I yelled.

He loped back and away within a second with Alice on his back.

I grabbed the flashlight, "Come on, we have to go get her."

"I think she'll be fine."

"Jasper – wake up! She's on the back of a giant wolf."

"I know. She told me she was going to ride one tonight."

Why was he so calm?

I watched Jasper, and then looked in the direction the wolf took Alice. I could barely see Alice on the wolf's back in the distance. "Oh fuck it! I'll go without you."

I took off, but noticed Jasper running beside me.

Jasper suddenly said as we ran, "Maybe he'll give me a ride next."

The whole Cullen household was insane - totally, undeniably… insane.

**A/N** Next, Little Red Riding Hood and the Red Wolf. ^^ You think they'll go to grandma's house?


	9. There's Something Familiar w That Woman

**A/N **The following includes – lots of free advertising. :D

**Chapter Nine – There's Something Familiar about that Woman**

Jasper and I ran through the forest, our flashlights jangling in front, causing intermittent light on mossy ground and tree trunks.

"She's alright," Jasper yelled to me, not sounding as out of breath as I was. "You don't have to be so worried."

"Of course…" breathe… "I'm worried." I was. Alice was like a little sister and she was so sweet, and she was always so nice to me. How could I not worry about her?

"How come you're…" breathe… "So sure – she's… okay?" I asked.

"Alice told me."

We lost sight of her back by the 45th pine tree. I slowed, panting, trying hard to catch my breath, holding to my side. "_Fuck_ – those wolves can move."

"You cuss too much."

"Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo ghost man."

"We need to raise this to an M rating if you're going to keep cussing like that. The T rating just won't cut it here."

"Huh?"

We paused to stare outward at nothing in particular. I always felt like I was a character placed in a story and if I stared long enough I'd see the person reading about me.

"……………………………………………………………………………………………"

"Anyhoo, Jasper the friendly ghost, back to the chase. Do you see her?"

Jasper shook his head. "I don't see her anywhere, but I have a guess as to where the wolf took her."

"To his hidden lair? His hidden cave?"

"No, I think there's a Jack-in-the-Box off the 101 and I'm sure she offered to buy him a burger. The drive-thru is open twenty-four/seven. She told me she would. They even serve breakfast around the clock."

I strangled the flashlight and then threw it at a tree. "WHY?!" I screamed to the sky, my hands raised, and falling to my knees. "WHHHYYYYYYY?!"

I stood up as Jasper watched me, unemotional and detached as usual. "You don't have to eat breakfast – they serve other things – tacos, salads, shakes…."

"No, you nimnod Cullen! Why are you all so fuckin insane? Is it the water? The meatballs? What the hell? You bunch of… crazy Cullen's!" I then continued my tirade stomping all over the ground, repeating, "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" over and over again.

He giggled finally. "Alice likes when you go crazy like that. Can we go to Jack-in-the-Box now?" He began to wander away, "I feel like a breakfast burrito."

He kept walking away, the light of his flashlight growing dimmer.

"Oh fuck!"

I searched the darkness looking for the flashlight I threw into the tree. I grew frantic, because he kept walking away. I called, while crawling around the ground, "Wait!"

I was searching around trees and looking under tall growth of shrubbery and weeds.

"Yo," I called, "Wait up!"

Finally I saw the flashlight and lifted it up. "Schwoo - finally."

I looked around, flashing the light across the area.

"Jasper?" I spun around, "Jasper?"

I ran across the mossy ground, feeling the mud collect at the bottom of my boots.

"Jasper? Hey, where the hell did you go?!"

I swallowed…

….all alone

….in the dark.

I spun around again, trying to figure out which way to go. Everything looked the same. I was surrounded by a forest of all the same fuckin' trees and growth.

I yelled, "JASPER! JASPER DAMN IT - GET OVER HERE!!!

"Oh that's just great!" I started walking in the direction I thought I last saw him go.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I think I was going in circles. I'm pretty sure I saw that same Sequoia an hour ago.

To top it off - it started raining again; a regular downpour.

Yes, I had to do it.

"FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

I finally just stood still. The rain poured. The sky darkened. My flashlight was going out, as the battery drained. I stood – soaked - and slowly… started to cry.

"What are you doing out here?"

I turned to see a woman with a rain slicker, the hood pulled over her head and mud boots, carrying a rifle.

"You really shouldn't be out in this rain. You could catch a cold," she spoke as she walked up to me. Her eyes were dark with crow's feet at the corners. She smiled when she looked me over. "Oh look at you, getting soaked – poor thing. Come on, and I'll let you use my phone. Were you lost?"

"Um… kind of – yeah." I sniffed.

I stared at her face. She was one of the Quileute tribe women. It was an attractive face and I thought she was possibly middle-aged.

After I stared down at her rifle she said, "Oh don't worry, I won't shoot you. I thought there were trespassers out here. You happen to be in my backyard."

"Oh," I looked around the area. "I didn't realize it was a backyard. I'm sorry."

"I just wondered how you ended up here. The main road is far in that direction - unless you came from the Cullen's home." She said the word "Cullen" with a slight bite in her voice. "Those crazy Cullen's used to trespass," she patted the side of her rifle, "not any more."

"Oh… wouldn't know who they are." I let out a quick, short nervous laugh, thinking over that I didn't want to be duct taped to a tree if she knew I lived with them. I also worried she might use that gun.

"Well dear," she took my elbow within her arm, "follow me."

I didn't know how else I'd find my way back so I followed her to her house.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Inside, she made me remove my coat, hat, scarf, and mud boots. She put up her rifle, removed her raincoat and had me follow her to the kitchen table. The home was very cozy, with a feel that I was in a home I'd been before. I wasn't sure why I continued to feel such familiarity with this woman.

I sat at her kitchen table and she placed a kettle on the stove. "I'm going to make you some hot cocoa – warm you up. Would you like some soup?"

"I don't want you to go to any trouble."

"I don't mind. I'm off work today. I work in town at the sheriff's department – Sheriff Swan's secretary – and today is my day off."

"Sheriff Swan? Bella Swan's dad?"

She turned to me, and I finally realized her eyes were a dark grey. "Yes," she smiled, "do you know his daughter?"

"Kind of… we go to the same high school."

I couldn't tell her - his daughter was my… _nemesis_.

She asked, "Why were you out in this rain, and on Quileute tribe lands?"

"I'm sorry – I didn't know where I was. I got lost."

"There was a girl a week ago that trespassed. She had to be duct taped to a tree. You need to be careful walking around. Sam and the boys don't allow it. You're lucky I found you first – or you'd be duct taped to a tree right now."

"…Are all the Quileute's okay with duct taping people to trees?"

"It's not for us to speak against it. If the leader decides then we all accept."

"Is Sam the leader of your tribe?"

"Yes – he's… the head of… watching over our lands." She smiled tightly and then began making the soup. She opened a can of Campbell's Select chicken noodle, heating it on the stove.

I asked, "Did you realize you have giant wolves running around your tribal lands?"

"Giant wolves?" She sniggered, her back to me, "where did you hear a story like that?"

"I don't know, but I saw one steal my friend a while ago. I heard they were going to the Jack-in-the-Box."

"A giant wolf?" She stayed with her back to me. "My, you kids love your tall tales. And Jack-in-the-Box has a wonderful selection of choices – even serving breakfast all day."

**[Note from our sponsor: Jack-in-the-Box – where "selection" is our word of the day.]**

"So I've heard…" I told her, acknowledging Jack. "It was the same giant wolf that stopped me from getting run over by a truck. He's kind of russet or red. I also saw a really big black wolf too. They also seem to have an affinity to meatballs."

"Excuse me," she said, "I have to make a call into work. I totally forgot."

She left the kitchen abruptly.

Entering a moment later she ran to the pan on the stove burning. "I'm sorry." She eyed me. "You seem like such a sweet little girl – almost like…" her eyes looked off. "Well, I lost my daughter many years ago in a fire. It was the same fire that took my husband. No one knows how it started. But… they never found her body and I've always wondered if maybe she was wandering… looking for me."

"Really?" I asked, "How long ago was that?"

"Oh… maybe twelve or thirteen years ago."

"That's so strange, because that's how long ago they found me wandering the streets. I was only five and couldn't remember anything but my name before that time. I've been in foster care and now I live with the Cullen's…."

Oops.

"The Cullen's? The crazy Cullen's?"

"I… I'm really not like them." I stood from the table, ready to leave. "My name is Leah… and I'm just there for a little while."

"Leah?"

I nodded. "I should probably go."

"No… don't go so soon." She walked over, holding at my arms, looking into my eyes. "Leah?"

"Yeah."

"I'm Sue… Sue Clearwater."

"Okay – nice meeting you."

She held around my arms staring into my eyes. "Do I look familiar to you at all?"

"Um… kind of…. I don't know…"

As we stared to one another, our eyes meeting, there really was something familiar about her.

The back door burst open. "Where is she? Where is that crazy Cullen?"

It was the Sam guy with Paul following. I pulled away from her and took off in the opposite direction to her front door.

"Get her!" they yelled.

I yanked open the door, and ran out into the rain. I was booking so fast. I didn't want them duct taping me to a tree again.

I could hear the woman yelling at them, "Wait…. Don't… she's…"

And then I kept running so fast I didn't want to stop. I ran and ran. I suddenly stopped realizing maybe they weren't following me. I left without my hat, jacket, or mud boots and now I was knee deep in mud.

"Oh… FFFUUUCCCKKK!"

I fell over in the mud I was stuck in, pounding my fists to the ground. They were definitely going to catch me now. I kept struggling in the mud, sinking deeper and deeper.

I suddenly saw a set of two legs in front of me.

Slowly, I looked up and there were Alice and Jasper, chewing on breakfast burritos.

"There you are," Alice said. "You had us scared."

"Alice?" I wanted to hug her, but I was stuck in the mud. "You're alright."

"Yes, the wolf was very nice. He likes you a lot. He wouldn't stop talking about you." She giggled, "Leah this, and Leah that, he just went on and on and I told him that you wanted to thank him for saving you from the runaway truck. He said it was nothing."

"He… speaks to you?"

"We communicate," Alice told me. "It's different than talking."

Jasper whispered to her. They both came on either side of me and pulled me out of the mud again.

"Did you have a nice visit with the woman?" Alice asked me.

"How'd you know I met a woman?"

"I saw it." She looked up at the sky. "I see things some times. She's a very nice lady. I think…." Alice grinned. "I think you'll see her again."

I was finally out of the mud and walking beside the two. Jasper pulled a burrito out from under his coat and handed it to me. "I thought you might like this," he said.

"Thanks."

"You've had a rough day," Alice told me. "It's a good thing you have such a good attitude."

I un-wrapped the burrito and ate as we walked along the forest. It wasn't too bad and still warm.

"You think I have a good attitude?" I laughed. "You do realize I'm on constant pissed mode?"

She and Jasper laughed again.

"I see good things for your future," Alice said, cheerily and with that Pollyanna sound to her voice.

She took my hand, as the Cullen house came into view. "Let's skip the rest of the way."

"I really…"

We all skipped up to the Cullen home.

**A/N**

This was meant to be a little sweeter, since Leah finally met her real mother. Isn't Alice cute?


	10. The Q's are Acting Strange

**A/N **Repetition abounds! Get ready for your eyes to pop out. And my homage to the brilliant Stephen King who brought us _The Shining_, _Carrie_ and that wonderful frothy mouthed dog, _Cujo_. I hope you catch the various other book and movie references. ;)

Thanks to those who read this and review. I appreciate it.

**Chapter Ten – The Q's are Acting Strange**

It was already daylight when we made it back to the Cullen house after Alice's wild ride on the back of a giant wolf, my getting lost on Quileute lands, meeting that woman that seemed so familiar, and having strange visions of dancing tribe members and crazy Cullen's set to Sondheim/Bernstein songs.

We still had to get ready for school. I was so tired; I wanted to sleep. I'd been up all night.

Alice was downstairs with Jasper having a cup of coffee. I told her coffee would stunt her growth and then grabbed a cup for myself. Alice was so peppy.

Everyone else left for school, but Rosalie waited to drive Alice, Jasper and me in her beautiful red Mercedes Benz. I realized Rosalie was always nice to Alice. In fact, all the Cullen's treated Alice kind and I could understand why – she was so sweet and if she had really spent the first part of her life in a cage, that would make anyone feel sorry for her.

I'd gotten past the empathy and now just liked being around her brightness. It made you feel anything was possible. She had a calming affect on me.

Jasper and Alice ran off to their classes and then Rosalie walked with me to my first class.

"You look like you're sleep-walking," Rosalie commented.

"I am."

"Ah, well that explains the drool."

I quickly wiped at my mouth. Whoa, how'd I start randomly drooling? It was like I was a frothy-mouthed dog like… _Cujo_.

Rosalie hugged me, "Thanks for taking care of Alice," her blue eyes crinkled since she meant it, and then left with a, "Have a good day."

That was really sweet of her. She was like the big sister of us in the Cullen household. I was pretty sure – however - Alice took care of me. All the Cullen's were beginning to grow on me… except for insane Edward. He was more like weed killer.

I entered Biology, excited at the possibility of seeing Jacob Black. I'd also see my _nemesis_… Bella Swan.

I found a stool behind where Edward and Bella sat.

Edward walked in the room, stopped to glower at me, and then sat down.

"Where's Bella?" I asked.

"She's going to the bathroom."

"You could have just said she was occupied or busy."

"Oh… well, I might answer that next time. DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH!" He was sure to glower emphatically and then turned back to face the front of the class.

I think he was going through a relapse in his sociopath recovery. He kept yelling for the last few days. Yelling really wasn't a sign of sociopathy, but for Edward I made an exception.

I knew this was going to be a good day. Part of the fun was watching the interaction between two insane people: Edward the recovering sociopath, and Bella the nymphomaniac and minor goddess.

Bella ran into the room, something white trailing behind stuck to her shoe.

She stared at me, making sure I saw her give me the "evil eye."

"Hey, what's that on your foot?" I asked.

Bella looked down at the piece of toilet paper. She tried to wipe it off on the side of her lab stool. It wouldn't come off and so she got up and started stomping her foot.

"Bella please sit down," The teacher, Mr. Daduuuga, instructed. "I need to start class."

"Edward," she whined, "Get this off."

"Yes, my love," he sang like dulcimer-winged angels.

He knelt down as she sat on the stool to pull the tissue off her foot.

I kept laughing.

He yanked it hard and Bella went flipping off the stool backward, sending the stool flying in the opposite direction.

The stool was a wild missile aimed at the teacher. He ducked as the legs stuck into the blackboard behind him.

Bella rolled under Mike's stool, knocking him off onto Ben who screamed, "AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" like a little girl again.

Like dominoes one stool after another went flying as kids fell off them backward.

The whole class erupted into flying stools going every which direction, live missiles taking out anyone who stood up.

I watched, laughing my ass off, until one stool flew overhead knocking a bucket of pig's blood almost onto my head. It fell on Edward's head instead, since he was leaning at the edge of my table glowering at me. It made me laugh even harder, so that tears were falling from my eyes.

Jacob walked amidst the chaos, effortlessly pulled the stool out of the blackboard, placed it beside Edward, scooped up Bella and placed her back on the stool. He was so fast – fast like a giant wolf.

I wondered why they kept buckets of pig's blood on the high shelves in the Biology lab, but that was neither here or there as I watched Jacob fluidly sit down beside me. He was so cool.

He then smiled extra large, his teeth sparkling white. "Hello Leah. How are you today?"

"Better now that you're here. Did you see the stool missiles?"

"Yes."

"Hi Jacob," Bella peeped in the background.

Edward was screaming, "I CAN'T SEE!"

We sat staring into one another's eyes as the room erupted in screams of anguish and pain. Blood spattered the lab room floor and walls from injuries inflicted by flying stools. It was a war zone.

"Thanks for helping me back to my stool," Bella chirped in the background.

"WHY IS EVERYTHING RED?!" Edward screamed maniacally.

I only noticed the chaos from my peripheral vision because Jacob was next to me, and nothing else in the world mattered when he was staring at me with those big brown eyes and sparkly teeth that sparkled.

"I'm glad you weren't affected by the stool missiles," he said, as if Bella wasn't speaking.

"Ah, you're so sweet," I said, "and thoughtful."

Edward kept screaming in the background, "MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!"

Mr Daduuuuga yelled from the front of the class, "Everyone, class dismissed - we need to treat the injured."

Jacob and I stood up and left, our eyes never leaving one another, holding hands.

We walked along the hallway as we headed to lunch. He seemed extra attentive today. We then stopped in the hall and he held my head in his hands and leaned in and kissed me. He spoke between his teeth, kissing me, "I missed seeing you… and had dreams… about you."

"I did too…" we kept kissing, "very fluid dreams - fluid."

"Like something wet?" he asked, running his hands through my hair.

"Is fluid wet? Then yes."

He grinned and then we kissed madly and wildly once again, our hands moving up and down over one another's bodies. I think he slammed my head into a locker, but I wasn't sure. I heard sniffing, lots of sniffing, behind my head.

I pulled back from Jacob abruptly.

I looked behind and suddenly his Quileute brothers surrounded us, extremely close. It was Seth, Embry, and Quil. Seth was _especially_ close, sniffing my hair.

"Did you have a nice night last night?" Seth asked, sniffing my hair.

"Huh?" He was practically on top of me - _sniffing_.

"Actually… uh… it was kind of weird." I pushed him back, "like now."

"Oh really? Why?" _sniff…sniff_.

Jacob, Seth, Embry and Quil all listened to me so attentively. I hated that Seth ruined a make out session with me and Jake. He was acting like a little brother.

"I met a woman named Sue Clearwater and she seemed familiar," I said to Seth.

"Really?" The four held their hands under their chins simultaneously, nodding. He added, "Sue Clearwater is my mom and she said that she met you."

"I met her."

"Did you? I thought she met you."

"Isn't that basically the same thing?" I grabbed Jacob's hand, "Let's go to the lunch room. You Q's are acting strange today."

We started walking as his gang of Q's followed close behind.

I heard the sniffing again.

I turned and he stopped sniffing.

I turned back to walk, but then I could feel him sniffing me again.

I turned around and he stopped.

I turned back to walk, and I could feel him sniffing me again.

I turned around and this time stopped to yell at Seth, "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Nothing," Seth said, as he stood beside Quil and Embry, all with their hands in their jean pockets.

"I'm pretty sure you were doing something," I said.

"Nope nothing."

"That was not nothing."

"It was something nothing."

Wait, I'd heard that before. That's was the line Alice used at dinner. Was he spying on us eating dinner? I asked him, "Do you know Alice?"

"Go ask Alice."

"Why?"

"Alice doesn't live here any more."

"Why is everything coming out of your mouth and not making sense?"

"Because maybe you're in Wonderland – like Alice."

"Why are you referencing books with 'Alice' in the title?"

"What?"

"Don't answer a question with a question."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a ploy to skirt answering the question."

"What question?"

"The question I just asked."

"Which one?"

"The… oh fuck, wait a sec let me look at what I just wrote:

"I said, wait… blah blah blah do you know Alice and then you said, go ask Alice, and I asked what, and you said, Alice doesn't live here any more, and then I asked why don't you make sense, and then you started mentioning about Lewis Carroll's Alice books, and then I asked why do you keep referencing books with Alice in the title, and then you asked what AGAIN, and then I said why do you answer a question with a question, and then you asked why not, and then I pointed out your ploy yadda yadda yadda, and then you asked another question and then… um, you asked which question I asked."

Jacob, Seth, Quil and Embry watched me closely as I spoke. They looked confused. Hell, I confused myself.

"Never mind," I held to my head which was throbbing now. "I'm really tired."

"I didn't realize there were so many books with Alice in the title," Jacob added.

"Neither did I," Embry said. "Did you Quil?"

"I wanted to see the stool missiles," Quil said, on a totally different subject.

They were both stoned again and kept giggling, high-pitched stoner laughs.

Seth was staring at me – making me feel uncomfortable.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because you keep staring… and _sniffing_… me."

"Do I?"

"Oh fuck - this again?"

"What again?"

"The going back and forth answering questions with questions. It's irritating."

"What's irritating?"

I grabbed to Jacob's arm. "Ah fuck this. I think I'm having a relapse with my concussion. I think I need food."

We walked into the lunchroom. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper sat in the usual spot and we joined them. Bella and Edward weren't there and I figured they were in the nurses office with the other injured.

Seth, Quil and Embry pulled up chairs to sit beside us all immediately. Seth was nearly on my lap.

I cleared my throat, "Um… space?"

"Yeah?" He didn't seem to understand.

"I mean – MOVE."

Seth pushed the chair back only about an inch. Was he sniffing me again?

Alice smiled like she knew something. I knew that smile. She did it when she was going to say something really weird. But she placed her hands in her lap and said, "Hello _Seth Clearwater_."

"Hello Alice Cullen and the rest of the crazy Cullen's."

Surprisingly they all said "hello… _Seth Clearwater_."

Why was everyone emphasizing his name so much?

I started smacking Seth on the head like a pesky fly. I said, "Sit!" Surprisingly… that worked.

Edward walked in the cafeteria with his head wet from washing off the blood, Bella beside him with a bandage on her head.

They finally sat beside us, looking like they might need to go to a hospital - all bruised and bloody; tissue's hanging from their noses like Principal Rooney at the end of _Ferris Beuller's Day Off_.

Bella told me, "This is your fault."

"I'm pretty sure it isn't."

Edward asked, "Why are the Q's here? This is Cullen territory."

"Hi Jacob," Bella said, preening. "Thanks for helping me with the stool. Did you see how the flying stools attacked everyone at Biology today?"

"Yes."

"I HATE STOOLS," Edward yelled, shaking his fist, "They should all… _die_."

Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Alice all scooted their chairs back and away from the table.

Seth was sniffing my head again, this time joined by Quil and Embry.

The bell rang – thank goodness.

Bella looked at me, seething, "You are dead to me."

"Good – that means then you can't see me."

"I can still see you."

I leaped up to standing, pointing at her, "You see dead people?! OH. MY. GOSH! You, Bella Swan – are _amazing_," I emphasized with a whisper.

Bella had to think that over, smiling, it affected her goddess complex. I could hear her say to herself, "I am, aren't I?"

We all left the lunchroom, while Bella continued to ponder while Edward sat beside her unsure what to do.

Once outside, Jacob asked, "Want to ride with me to La Push?"

"I don't want to be duct taped to a tree."

"They won't duct tape you."

"Why not?"

"Sue Clearwater."

What was it about that woman? That name, Clearwater, sounded familiar.

Seth yelled, "I'm Seth Clearwater!"

"Oh, that's right," I looked to Seth, "you're related to that woman Sue Clearwater?"

"She's my mom. My… MOM. I once had a sister – a SISTER."

"That's…_nice_ – NICE."

I think Seth was maybe also insane. He definitely had olfactory issues.

"Sue wanted me to bring you by after school for some hot cocoa," Jacob said, "She said she had something for you and some stuff from when you left abruptly early this morning."

"Oh yeah, I left my favorite hat there."

I made more of an impression on her than I earlier thought. That was so nice of her.

**A/N** I had a difficult time writing this chapter. I don't know why. It was really tough to make it funny. I think my humor has left me. I have four _completely_ different types of fanfics going at once, and then the other stuff I'm responsible to finish writing, and I think my brain just had more difficulty readjusting to a different style this time around. I can usually switch gears much quicker. So, sorry if this was kind of boring and dumb. ^^

Next, Leah finds out the truth and then we'll work our way to the climax scene with lots of explosions, giant wolves, and random insanity. XD


	11. Family Reunion

**A/N **I love Seth. He's a sweetie and one of my fave wolves. I'm making him an extremely "happy" wolf for this parody. I do it out of love for his character.

_Tingo Layo_ is a song I used to love in grade school. It recently showed up in a piano book of my daughter's and so that's why I used it. It's just a happy little song.

Thank you for reading and reviewing. There is a surprise at the end of this chapter. XD

**Chapter Eleven – Family Reunion**

I disembarked Jacob's hog, Seth riding up beside, nearly blocking me in. Seth was annoyingly close.

"Where are Quil and Embry?" I asked Jacob.

"Scoring some weed from their dealer. Did you want some?"

"Uh… that was a little blunt."

"Was it?" He smiled again so that his white teeth sparkled all sparkly, and I sighed.

That's what I liked about Jacob, his ability to cut right to the chase and handle me forcefully and assuredly – although, at times I ended up bruised and concussive – I knew, at least he was _hot_.

Jacob scooped me up in his strong arms, nearly carrying me to the door.

Seth was hopping around like a rabbit, and then he started leaping like a frog, and soon he was flapping his arms like an eagle while running in a tight circle, and then did a back flip, a quick foot shuffle, leapt in the air kicking up his heels, clicking them twice, leaping backward until he landed, did two quick whirls, his leg fully extended in a pirouette, and then settled in a sitting position on all fours, a wide grin spread across his face, his tongue hanging out to the side, panting from the exertion.

I stood, my mouth hanging open at what I witnessed.

"What's going on with him?" I asked Jacob, kind of creeped out.

"He's doing his happy dance." Jacob laughed, "Yeah, it's kind of… _gay_. Seth is like that."

"He's gay?"

"No – he's a mime… or theatre artist – I get them mixed up. That and he's usually pretty stoned."

The front door swung open and that lady with the dark grey eyes and kind smile was there, beaming. She was dressed in a royal blue dress, with make-up on and her hair pulled back.

"You brought her," she told Jacob, "come in, come in." She waved us in, but beforehand, "Seth, stop sitting on the dirt. You're dirtying your pants."

"Sorry mom," Seth leapt up and ran past us into the house.

"He's so happy," Sue said, "Did he do his happy dance?" she asked Jacob.

"Yep – gay as always."

"Good."

Sue spoke while continually watching me.

"Can I get you anything Leah?"

"No thanks."

She wrapped an arm around my shoulder, guiding me to the couch. "Here, have a seat. I'll be right back with some drinks."

"Thanks."

She sat me down, smiling as she gazed into my eyes, and then left for the kitchen.

"She's very nice," I said, "and very attentive."

Seth leapt out from the back of the house with a bowl of meatballs and then sat down on the chair across from me, pulling his legs up onto the seat – watching me closely.

I cleared my throat.

Sue walked back out with a tray of only one mug of hot cocoa. She lowered it in front of me to take.

I did and said, "thank you" again.

"You have wonderful manners," she told me.

She placed the empty tray on the coffee table and then sat across from me on another chair.

I sipped the cocoa as the three watched me closely. Jacob was reaching over popping meatballs in his mouth with Seth, acting like they were Whoppers.

I cleared my throat again and then slowly drank the cocoa.

"Didn't… any of you want a drink?" I asked.

"Too hot," both Seth and Jacob said at the same time.

Sue told me, "I don't drink cocoa."

"You didn't have to make it just for me."

"I wanted to."

I felt incredibly uncomfortable as the three watched me drink my cocoa.

"You know I could get my stuff and then just leave… Ms. Clearwater."

"Please – call me mom."

I did a double take. Did she just tell me to call her mom?

"I don't mind calling you Ms. Clearwater."

"But, I think _mom_ would be more appropriate."

"I don't usually call people mom. Can I call you Sue?"

"I prefer mom."

"Does Jacob call you mom?"

"No." She eyed Jacob, "not yet… anyway."

"Oh… okay." Now I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. I started to stand from the couch, "Maybe I should go."

"Oh no - no sit."

Seth suddenly fell to the floor on all fours.

"No Seth, not you," Ms. Clearwater told him. "Up – up Seth."

He leaped back up and onto the chair. I took another sip of the hot cocoa – it was pretty tasty.

"_Oh_ _darn_," Ms. Clearwater finally let out a loud sigh, sounding flustered, "I'll just tell you. You are my daughter, Leah. I thought I lost you twelve years ago and by some wonderful, amazing, turn of fate you appeared in my backyard."

Cocoa flew out of my mouth - shooting so far it hit Seth in the face.

She leaned over taking my hands in hers. "Look into my eyes, sweetheart. Don't you recognize me?"

I stared into her eyes. There was something that seemed familiar. Her hands were incredibly warm and my hands were always warm.

"I… I don't know. I mean, you look familiar." I looked over to Seth, licking the cocoa off around his face. "And then _he'd be my brother_?"

"Yes."

"Let me think about this a moment."

"Why don't I tell you a story about what happened and how I lost you twelve years ago?"

"Okay – that might help."

"Do you want more cocoa?"

"No thank you."

Sue sat down on the couch beside me. She continued to take deep breaths and I could see whatever she was about to share was difficult.

"When you were very little you were close to your daddy – a regular daddy's girl. Your father's name was Harry – Harry Clearwater." She smiled in memory. "He was a wonderful man and father to you and Seth, and he… was a good husband."

"Harry? I had a father named Harry?"

"Yes. Do you remember him at all?"

"Frankly, I'm not even sure I'm your daughter."

I tried hard to remember my dad. There were glimpses that passed my mind of me walking down the street holding a large hand – maybe that was a memory of my father. And then when I looked at Sue Clearwater she did seem so familiar to me.

"When you were five you went into Seattle with your dad. He was selling some items to a small shop in the city and you wanted to go with your daddy."

I looked over to see Jacob and Seth munching on a fresh bowl of meatballs. Why did everybody like meatballs? I asked, "Did Harry like meatballs?"

"Not really. It's more a favorite food of…" she stopped suddenly, "well it's a good protein-rich meal. Anyway, on with the story: I got a call from the police department telling me there was a horrible fire at the La Quinta that my husband had been staying in – a short in the wires or something and he was…"

"He died in a fire?"

"Yes. They also told me they couldn't find my daughter, Leah, and figured you were lost in the fire, as well."

"Are you sure that was me?"

"I suppose we can do a DNA test. But Leah, I know you're my daughter. You look exactly like me when I was your age, we have the same hair, you have the same color eyes, your name is Leah, and you were found in Seattle twelve years ago wandering the streets. It's fairly substantial circumstantial evidence."

"I guess."

I felt badly. She was placing a lot of hope in me being her daughter. She kept looking at me so longingly.

She snapped her fingers, "I know how to jog your memory. I used to sing you a song when you were little: _Tin-goOoOo-Laaaaaayyy- Oooo… come little donkey come_," she started singing, and I shuddered. She continued, "and then I'd change the lyrics to, _Tin-goOoOo-Laaaaaaa-Ahhhh…_ _come little baby come. My bAby si-its. My bAAaby drinks. My baAby eats with a knIIIfe and fork. Tin-goOoOOo-Laaaaa-Ah… come little bAaby come_."

Her voice was like nails on a blackboard.

Seth and Jacob were suddenly howling, like dogs listening to a siren. I felt like howling myself. I was scrunching my face, feeling my head would explode. She had a really off-pitch voice, but suddenly all these memories came back of her really bad singing voice – it playing over and over in my head so that I had a headache. I remembered now why I wanted to go to Seattle with my daddy - I wouldn't have to listen to her sing me to sleep for four nights.

"Yeah," I told her excited, "I remember that song now. You can stop singing – you jogged my memory."

"Do you want me to sing it to you some more sweetheart?"

"NO! I mean… NO – really… don't strain yourself."

"Are you…"

Jacob and Seth joined me this time, "NO!"

"Alright sweetheart."

She hugged me and I hugged her back and I was so happy that I found my mother.

I suddenly remembered the day of the fire. I told her as we pulled apart, "On the day I was lost I remember feeling really hot. My head and whole body were so hot. I was burning up and suddenly…" I couldn't remember. "I was walking around outside - down a sidewalk - and I didn't know where I was. I wasn't wearing any clothes and I was just wandering down the street and this nice policeman picked me up. He asked me my name and I said it was LeeLee because that's what daddy called me. It wasn't until when I was nine or so in foster care that I remembered my name was Leah."

"I'm so sorry I didn't look for you."

"I guess you thought I was dead."

"She did," Seth answered. "I heard that you're a pyromaniac and burned down a lot of foster homes. I guess you burned down the hotel room and killed my dad." Seth suddenly wasn't looking as happy. "I never thought about that before."

"I didn't… Seth I didn't start the fire. I… at least – I don't remember starting fires. I only remember getting really hot and then I usually was outside watching the house burn down. There was always a time lapse that I didn't remember. But I'm sure I didn't start the fires. And I didn't enjoy watching it burn like some pyromaniac, if that's what you're implying."

"I don't imply."

"Well then I didn't start the fire."

"Says you."

"Of course, who else is here to say it?"

"I don't know," he harrumphed.

I looked over at Jacob who wasn't paying attention and then to my new mom who was my old mom, so really my re-discovered mom.

My new/old/re-discovered mom started laughing. "Oh my, look at you two. You're just like a brother and sister."

"He thinks I _killed_ our father?" I told her.

"Minor glitches in the homecoming. We should have a party to welcome you back to the tribe. I'll let Esme know you'll be moving back in with us. You're a Quileute now."

I stood from the couch. "Wait… just… a sec. This is happening kind of fast. Can you just let me digest all this information first?"

"Oh… certainly Leah."

I looked over and Seth still wasn't smiling. He had stopped once he realized I might have killed our father. How could I make him believe I wasn't a fire starting pyromaniac? It actually bugged me that he was upset with me. It bugged me that I might have been responsible for the fire that killed my dad. I didn't know why they always started around me.

"Seth - want to show us your happy dance again?" I asked.

"No. I'm not in the mood."

Jacob stood up. "I guess I'll drive you back to the Cullen's."

"I'll come back by tomorrow," I told Sue Clearwater… my mom.

"I look forward to it." She walked up hugging me again and then whispered in my ear, "My sweet Leah."

I began to choke up, wanting to cry. I was so happy to have finally found my mom.

We hugged a long time before I left her house.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I was holding tightly to Jacob's waist when he finally drove up to the Cullen's home. I didn't want to leave, he was so warm and it felt good to lean against him. He parked the bike, and climbed off first. Outside Alice was waiting for us – smiling very large.

She waved, "Hi Jacob Black."

"Hi Alice Cullen."

She skipped up to me as I climbed off the bike. "Did you have a nice visit with your mom, Leah?"

"Ye… how'd you know?"

"I told you," she grinned, looking up at the sky, "I see things."

"Oh that's right." I let her take my hand, "I had a very nice visit with my mom. Thank you for asking, Alice."

"Sure."

Jacob leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. "Bye."

"Bye." My heart raced as he smiled with those sparkly teeth that sparkled.

He winked, "I'm really happy for you, Leah."

"Thanks."

He started up his hog and drove off into the sunset.

Alice suddenly turned to me and asked, "Does this mean you're not going to be my roommate any more?"

I hadn't thought of that. "Not necessarily. I… don't know."

"That's okay."

Alice squeezed my hand. I didn't want to abandon her.

"Hey," I asked, "want to go in the forest tonight and try to ride the wolves?"

"Maybe not tonight - I'm tired. We haven't slept since last night and you must be tired too – plus, all those concussions you've had. Did you notice anything strange?"

"Seth does a happy dance."

"Oh… that's a fun dance. He lets me do the dance with him. I'll show you. You can try it too."

Alice suddenly let go of my hand and moved a few feet away from me to start. She hopped around like a rabbit, and started leaping like a frog, and soon she was flapping her arms like an eagle while running in a tight circle, and then did a back flip, a quick foot shuffle, leapt in the air kicking up her heels, clicking them twice, leaping backward until she landed, did two quick whirls, her leg fully extended in a pirouette – much straighter and more perfect than Seth - and then settled in a sitting position on all fours, a wide grin spread across her face and tongue hanging out to the side, panting from the exertion.

"You try now," she said.

"Uh… I'm not much of a dancer. You do it really well though."

"Thanks." She leaped from the ground and took my hand again. "I'm glad you met your mom, Leah."

"Thanks Alice – I am too. Let's go upstairs to our room. I can tell you all about my visit with my mom."

She yawned loudly. "That sounds fun."

She finally skipped up the steps and into the Cullen household with me. Edward was there waiting with his arms crossed.

"Hello… _Q_," He greeted, but sounding more like seething, and he suddenly had a British accent.

**A/N** Dun dun dun….

Next chapter will be rip-roaring fun. :D Edward is starting to relapse.


	12. An Evil Twin or DID

**A/N **Ah, I love J. K. Rowling's writing. I read one chapter and go "wow." Her prose is both apt and beautiful. She spins a tale quite well too. She ranks up there in creating the most fantastical worlds with Tolkien, Lucas, Lovecraft and Jordan. She must be absolutely brilliant to have thought all that up, with nary a plot hole. In that admiration I write this chapter.

I hope you don't mind if I have a little fun with Harry Potter, since Robert Pattinson has been involved in both Harry Potter and Twilight movies. It was only a matter of time… really. XD

**Chapter Twelve – An Evil Twin or DID?**

Alice finally skipped up the steps and into the Cullen household with me. Edward was there waiting with his arms crossed.

"Hello… _Q_," He greeted, but sounding more like seething, and he suddenly had a British accent.

I took Alice's hand to walk up the stairs, realizing the best thing to do with Edward was ignore him.

"Don't ignore me… Leahr _Clearwater_."

I wondered why Edward was acting weirder than usual and pronouncing words that ended in the "ah" sound with an "r" at the end. He was going all out on the British accent.

Alice squeezed my hand, like she was scared.

"So," I said, "I see I've been found out – the true heir of the Clearwater inheritance, Moriarity."

"What?"

"Yes, I see you've discovered my secret. I'm a… _Q_."

"Oo," Alice giggled, "Can I play too?"

"Go for it."

"Um… I don't know what I'm supposed to say next. Hi Edward," she waved, "why are you talking like that?"

Edward slammed his fist against the wall. "Don't trifle with me… _Q_." And then he looked to Alice, "Hello wee child."

She giggled, "I'm a wee."

I spoke, "Don't worry – I don't trifle. So what the hell is up with the British accent, Edward? You can stop now."

He pulled out a small gun from his pocket. It was a Walther PPK just like James Bond used in the movies. I wondered how he got a PPK out here.

I pushed Alice behind me. "Are you serious?"

"I see you continue to think this is a game Leahr."

"No – why would I think that?" (I really did think it was a game.)

Alice suddenly peeped from behind me, "Where is everyone else?"

"Ah," he laughed, "wouldn't you like to know."

"Yes, Edward – that's why I asked."

He laughed, "Mwahahahaha," and some more, "Mwahahahahahahahaha."

He held the gun directed at us and kept laughing, "Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

"_Okay_ – got it," I told him, "stop with the maniacal laughing."

"I kind of like it," Alice said, peeping out from behind me again.

Edward grinned, a seething grin.

I asked again, slightly worried over him going on a sociopathic killing spree, "So… where is… everyone?"

"I bought them all tickets for the theatre, a local showing of Spiderman the Musical, in Port Angeles, and so they are gone tonight. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha."

"That doesn't sound very diabolical," I let out a relieved breath. "But it's good - I thought maybe you killed them since you're a sociopath. And could you maybe not laugh like that any more?"

"Alice likes it. And… DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

This was definitely Edward. But for some reason he became British, and seethed rather than glowered.

Nudging with his gun, he said, "Now you two go have a seat while I share my story."

Oh fuck, this was going to be one of those boring, longwinded sharing his diabolical plan and how he ended up doing what he's doing, while holding a gun on us nights.

"Can I at least get Alice and me a drink if you're going to be talking a lot?"

"I suppose. Alice - come here."

She pointed at herself, "Me?" She stepped out from behind me. "Neat, I get to play." I tried to grab her and she smiled and winked, "its okay."

She was having one of those delusional Pollyanna moments again.

"Yes. I don't want Leahr to do anything funny while getting your drinks. If you do something funny I'll have to dispose of the wee girl, Leahr."

"I'm sorry – but could you stop calling me Leahr? And isn't 'wee' a Scottish colloquialism?"

"No Leahr, I cahn't, and it's a very practical word used all across the UK."

"Fine."

Alice walked over with Edward and he grabbed her, lifting her by the scruff of her neck, and then carried her over to the couch in the family room area, setting her down.

"That was kind of fun," Alice said, giggling. "I was like a wolf cub. Can we do that again British Edward?"

"Oh… alright." He lifted her up and carried her to the chair.

"Now back to the couch."

He did it once more.

"Now back to the chair."

He lifted and carried her to the chair.

"Back to the couch."

He planted her on the couch, waving the gun. "Just stay there – NO MORE RIDES!"

Alice sat down with her hands in her lap, smiling. She could be so delusional.

Oh boy, it really was going to be a long night. He was going to go over his diabolical plan and how he changed British and I quickly grabbed a coke from the fridge, realizing I'd need caffeine to sit through it. I grabbed Alice a juice box. She liked the Juicy Juice grape flavored.

Walking over I handed Alice the juice box, of which she gave me a quick "thank you," and then sat beside her on the couch, popping open my coke.

"You should have asked if I wanted a drink Leahr," Edward said, "that was rather rude of you, Leahr - impolite, really."

"Okay, now you're saying my name every sentence to piss me off, aren't you?"

"I don't know, Leahr, you should understand trying to piss people off quite well. You're the reason I'm here, Leahr."

"Ah – you snapped because of me?"

"I wouldn't say that… exactly. And GO GET ME A DAMN DRINK! I'll take a coke – NOT PEPSI!"

I got up from the couch. "I'm sorry, but is this the climax scene? Because I'm pretty sure you're jumping the shark if it is."

"No – there is more to my story."

"Fine."

I walked into the kitchen, pulled him out a coke, sure to shake it… A LOT… and then carried it out to him. "Here you go."

I walked back slowly, waiting for the coke to go off.

He tried to pop open the top with the gun in his hand. He hit the side of the gun to the top of the can. "Shoot!" He sat on the chair, placing the can between his legs and tried to open it again. "Shoot!" The gun hit the top of the can. "DAMN IT! You cahn't open these bloody things with a gun in your hand."

"I can hold the gun for you," Alice offered.

"Thank you." He handed her the gun.

I couldn't believe he did that. I nonchalantly took the gun from Alice, "better let me hold it – I'm older."

"Okay."

He finally popped the top of the coke. The contents splashed up and all over his face.

"Oh… bloody hell." He wiped the coke off his face and I had the gun pointed at him.

"Okay, Edward, you really need to snap out of the British accent thing now. And if you say my name once more I will shoot you in the foot."

Edward suddenly sunk in the chair and started crying. He pulled his legs up on the chair, sobbing.

"Ah," Alice leapt up from the couch, hugging Edward. "Don't cry. I liked the game."

"I'm not Edward."

"I know," Alice said. "I wanted to hear your story though."

My head whipped in Alice's direction. "You knew? Then..." I asked Edward, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm his twin brother – Cedric… Cedric Diggory. Edward and I were separated at five-years-old when we were the only ones in the Cullen household. Carlisle and Esme sent me away because I was psychopathic. Only one per household, they said. I enjoy tea and crumpets, and I have a fondness for a Chinese dish called Cho-Cho beef on a stick."

**[BA DUM]**

"Hmm, that's interesting," Alice said. "Why did you come for a visit now? Were you in England?"

"No – I really did come to kill Leahr Clearwater. I hate her. She ruined my life. I've been laying low and stalking her for twelve years."

Alice turned to me quickly, "Please don't shoot him in the foot."

"I'm past that! You said you were stalking me for twelve years?!!! Why?! And what do you mean you hate me and I ruined your life? I don't even know you!"

"Oh… it happened many years ago when I was a wee child, playing on the Q lands with my twin brother, Edward. It was a quiet day - the forest was alive with the sounds of deer and birds, the scurrying little feet of small rodents and various other woodland creatures, and such. On this particular day it was especially bright…."

I sat back, yawning, putting the gun in my pocket.

Alice sat on Cedric's lap, like she was ready for a bedtime story, as he went on.

**HOURS LATER**

"Leah wake up," Alice was pushing my shoulder. "You fell asleep."

"Ah," I yawned, "did I miss anything?"

"Yes, why Cedric hates you. And I have to agree – that wasn't very nice."

"What? What did I do?" I kept yawning.

"You burned down their secret hideout in the forest just to be mean because it had one wall on your Q lands. That wasn't very nice Leah. When you threw the apple on his head from a tree that was pretty mean too… and then you called him dead boy walking because he's very pale. That wasn't nice either Leah."

I laughed, "I did? How old was I when I did this, because I'm pretty sure I forgot it since I have no memory of my childhood just before my father died in a fire at his hotel room. I was found wandering the streets with no memory. So, sorry Cedric – I have no memory of you."

"That's because you're an evil she-wolf," Cedric told me. "All of the Q's are wolves. They turn into giant wolves at night and they must all be killed." He stood from the chair. "I will exact my revenge on you when you least expect – evil Q. And that fire in your father's hotel room was no accident."

"Wait – what?" I looked to Alice, and then back to Cedric. "What do you mean it wasn't an accident? Did you kill my father?"

"You and I both know the truth."

"I'm pretty sure I don't."

"Cedric," Alice asked, "Are you really going to kill all the Q's? I don't want you to do that. I like the wolves."

"What if I did?" he asked spitefully, seething.

"Then I take back my hug."

"Wait a minute – you've been stalking me for the last twelve years of my life? Did you start all those fires?"

He grinned, seething again, "What if I did?"

"Wait… that means you – wait, how is it that I was found outside the buildings each time with no memory of the fire."

"That – I've no idea – mental instability on your part."

"So, you have been following me around for twelve years and starting fires in every foster home I've ever been in, and then you also killed my father?"

"Yes, and I won't be finished until I make sure you're dead."

"Wow… okay, this is all because I burned down your secret hideout when you were little… and threw an apple on your head… and called you dead boy walking?"

"It's more complicated."

"No kidding, that means when you were around age five until now, so like even when you were maybe seven or ten you had the ability to follow me around and start fires randomly. You must be a genius."

"An evil genius," Alice added.

"I… I'm sorry – I just don't see it. It seems kind of," I waved my hand, "iffy. I'm still thinking jumping the shark here. I mean, you were a little kid. You have a British accent when you've lived here all your life. It… I'm sorry, this doesn't make sense for the story."

Cedric grew angry, spitting out, "Who cares about bloody cohesion?! I can change the plot - change any damn thing if I want to! Lexicon, character personalities, every damn rule I set forth at the beginning of the story! I say this is how it happened and this is how it happened – damn it! Don't get all plot development with me, Q!" He jumped up and began stomping, throwing a tantrum. "I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN – FUCK THE MEATBALLS!

"What did you just… say?"

Something wasn't right with all this.

Cedric laughed maniacally again, "Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You will all burn – BURN! Die Qs! Die Leahr Clearwater! DIE!!!"

He then ran out the back door, still laughing maniacally.

"Wow, I slept through a lot," I pulled the gun out of my pocket. "And he left his gun."

"It was only a plot device," Alice told me.

"I don't know. I'm thinking I'm asleep and this is a dream that I'm having because I'm really tired and I'm ready to wake up and get on with the real story. This doesn't make sense."

"The part where you're a she-wolf, the Q's are giant wolves, or that Edward has an eviler twin named Cedric?"

"All of it – well mostly the Cedric Diggory part."

"Did you kill your father, Leahr?" Alice grabbed me by the collar. "Did you?"

"Alice, why are you talking to me this way? No, I didn't kill my father. I didn't. I didn't kill my father."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Alice shook me awake. "Leah, you okay? You were yelling, 'I didn't kill my father.'"

I woke up in my bed, jumping upward, awake. I knew that must have been a dream. My head was killing me. "Aye," I grabbed at my head.

"You need to take it easy, Leah," Alice helped me lie back down. "Carlisle and Esme told me to watch you and take care of you. Rose is getting you something to eat and a drink. She'll be up in a little while."

"What happened?"

"Jacob carried you inside. You kind of passed out on the ground after you got off his motorcycle. I think it's all the concussions and stress at meeting your new mom… and possibly having killed your father. You're supposed to take it easy now, Leah."

"Did everyone go to see Spiderman the Musical? Wait – I didn't kill my father."

"Spiderman the Musical?" Alice looked at me oddly.

"There's no Cedric Diggory and Edward doesn't have an evil twin with a British accent?"

"No," she laughed. "You have to stop hitting your head. Carlisle is making you take a week off of school."

"But I did meet my mother today, though, didn't I?"

"Yeah - Sue Clearwater. She's already called Esme and they're going to work out you moving in with her after you feel better. They want to throw a big party to welcome you back into the Quileute tribe. There's going to be a live concert at First Beach – Muse might perform - and they're lifting the ban on duct taping trespassers for the day. Rose and I are really happy for you. You have a family. That's… so neat."

I felt badly for Alice not having any family, and if she did they were pure evil people who kept her in a cage and didn't feed her. But, she did seem happy with the Cullen's.

"So I did find my mother," I smiled. "And you'll always be my best friend."

Alice smiled happy to hear that.

"Good," I said, "Now I'm okay."

**A/N** *evil grin*


	13. Firestarters and I'm a WHAT?

**A/N **Eh, here it is. It's not very funny, I don't think. This chapter is mostly to give some info. I've had so much trouble writing this chapter. My head is deeply involved with "The New Pet in the Basement" right now. I still need to write the next chapter for "Unlikely Pair" and "Lost on Llantano Mountain." Oy, my eyes are spinning. I always have to write the stories in order too because I'm so OCD. I don't skip ahead to other stories. It's LLS, UP, LoLM, and then NPiTB – all in that order. I have four stories and wonder if I should get a Beta Reader.

So, I'm sorry I took so long to update. : (

It's just been very difficult. Sorry. Please let me know what you think of this installment. I hope it's at least kind of sweet. Thanks again for the reviews. : )

**Chapter Thirteen – Fire starters and I'm a… WHAT???!**

Carlisle made me stay in bed for a week with my head injuries. I wasn't sure if this is what was supposed to happen since I was pretty sure Carlisle was a quack doctor the way Esme was a quack child psychologist.

The house was fairly quiet, on this Thursday early noon, and I heard strange sounds coming from outside. It was howling.

I lifted out of bed in my pajamas and looked out the window. The forest was covered in a misty fog once again, and it was drizzling. The tall trees swayed with the wind as my view skimmed across the area trying to see what was making the strange howling sounds. I think it was the wind.

I planted my face against the glass when I saw it. There were four giant wolves walking around the trees behind the house. They must have known I was alone. Everyone was at school, except for Carlisle who was at the hospital.

Were they here to eat me?

I watched them, slinking across the forest, looking the size of giant Clydesdale horses, growling and sniffing and pawing the dirt. The four wolves began to howl again, lifting their snouts upward and wailing.

Did they want me to come down and see them? Did they want meatballs? We didn't have leftover meatballs, but now I was feeling like snacking on some meatballs. That was stranger than seeing giant wolves in the backyard.

"Oh fuck!"

One wolf was looking directly at me. It was the red one that gave Alice a ride the other night. He kept staring and I watched him. He didn't look that dangerous when his big brown eyes stared at me. It was strange – like something… familiar.

I grabbed at my head, and then rubbed my temples. I don't even remember if he gave her a ride. I wasn't sure what I experienced because of the concussions. Did Alice even ride a wolf the night I saw the Cullen's and Q's dancing a _West Side Story_ dance sequence?

I slipped on my robe and placed my Domo slippers on my feet and then walked down the stairs. As I made my way to the kitchen I only felt like some water. I wasn't very hungry. I took out a water bottle, and then leaned against the kitchen counter near the living room, with my back to the room, just sipping water.

I knew my mind was playing tricks on me in the last week or so. The only things I knew for sure were:

Jacob was hot, and I think I loved him because of his hotness.

Edward was a relapsing recovering sociopath

Bella was my… _nemesis_… who tried to run me over.

I was Sue Clearwater's daughter.

Alice was my best friend.

I liked the crazy Cullen's, but I didn't belong with them.

I didn't kill my father, Harry Clearwater, despite my brother, Seth, thinking I did.

Seth also did lame happy dances.

Oh yes, and lastly, I was a Q.

"What about all those fires you started?"

I turned to see someone standing behind me. He was a tall blonde-haired man I'd never seen before. I'm pretty sure I was dreaming again.

"You're not dreaming," he said.

"I'm sorry, but are you reading my mind, because it seems like you are? You've answered two questions I've posed in my mind."

"Yes, I'm psychic. I'm James Victoria Laurent, and its time we met. I've been tracking you for twelve years."

I laughed. "Wait a minute – your middle name is…" I kept laughing, "Victoria?"

"Yes. I see nothing wrong with my middle name."

"I do – it's a _girl's_ name."

"It is not. It's Italian."

"I don't think Victoria is Italian."

"It is – you are simply a stupid girl. It is a Latin-based name."

"I'm positive Victoria is English – like Queen Victoria. Are you a… queen?" I snickered.

"Of course not – am I dressed like a queen?"

He made me laugh even harder.

As I laughed at his question, I suddenly realized he wasn't wearing a shirt. He stood in the family room and then reached in his back pocket and pulled out a cigarette. Where'd he come from? I looked out back and the wolves were also gone. I guess since I wasn't alone they left.

I asked, "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"I don't wear a shirt because I tend to get very hot."

He was _hot_.

**[BA DUM]**

"I'm pretty sure you're not really here – I'm dreaming you. You see, I have a concussion – several maybe – and I keep seeing things while I'm asleep. So, I'm pretty sure I'm dreaming again. I'm also pretty sure you're going to pull out a straw hat and start doing a soft shoe and then jump on the couch while sashaying with jazz hands."

He pulled out his cigarette, blowing out a bunch of smoke in my face. I coughed.

"Is that a dream?" he asked.

I coughed some more. "I'm sure it is." I coughed. "I have very realistic dreams."

He walked over and then yanked my hair hard, "Is that a dream?"

"Ouch! I'm pretty sure that's just you being an asshole."

His eyes grew small as he looked me over, puffing on his cigarette. He handed it to me. "Here - smoke."

"No way – I only smoke pot – cigarettes can kill you."

He continued smoking, pursing his lips, thinking over how to make me believe he wasn't a dream character.

He walked up to me. "Here, touch my white, pasty chest that I shaved this morning."

"Um… that's kind of… making me uncomfortable – dream or not."

He grabbed my hand, "Here – feel it. Feel my chest."

"No! I don't want to," I whined, "it's very white and pasty."

He grabbed my hand, "come on – feel it," forcing me to touch his chest. It was all silky smooth. Ooooooo, I kept rubbing his chest.

"You're really cold, like a slab of marble. It feels good against my warm hands." I kept rubbing his chest. "What the heck – this is a dream sequence, right?" He felt really good. He was smooth and had major pecks like an Adonis statue. I placed both hands on his chest and did a wax on, wax off movement. He kept smoking and I was getting used to it.

"It's too bad you don't have a joint," I told him, "Since I only smoke pot."

The back door opened and Esme walked in with Alice and Jasper behind. They stopped, their mouths hanging open.

I was still rubbing James Victoria Laurent's chest.

"Hey guys, welcome to my dream," I told them. "I even smell smoke."

Esme shook her finger at my dream guy. "Get away from her you… you PERVERT!"

I slowly stopped rubbing his chest. "You mean… he's really here?"

Alice and Jasper both made funny, disgusted faces and nodded.

I slowly pulled my hands away from him.

"You should wash your hands," Alice told me.

"I think," I backed away further from him, "I will."

The blonde haired guy whipped out a shirt from behind him and slipped it on, buttoning it. "I am James Victoria Laurent from the Volturi Hired Hit Man Service."

Esme said, "Okay - why are you here?"

"I've been following Ms. Leah Clearwater for twelve years and now that she's found her mother, Sue Clearwater I have a contract to settle regarding Harry Clearwater's policy. It was only to be followed through if she ever found her mother."

I was at the sink washing my hands while he talked. I asked, "If you knew Sue Clearwater was my mother then why didn't you tell me sooner if you were following me around for twelve years?"

"My job was to keep you away from your mother. I followed you around, burning homes you've lived in to force you to never settle down and make it look like I was actually following through on the contract. I thought you would age out of foster care – or commit suicide – before turning to age 18. After that age the contract is up."

"Hold up," Esme asked, stepping forward. "Did you say you're a hired hit man?"

"I wouldn't call it that."

"You just said you worked for the Volturi Hired Hit Man Service."

He pulled out another cigarette. "Did I?"

Alice, Jasper and I said in unison, "YES."

He puffed his cigarette, "You sure?"

"I am," I stepped up, beside Esme. "Why did my dad get a contract with your company?"

"That's confidential."

"Fuck that! Tell my why you're here?"

Esme told me, "Leah - please stop cussing so much."

Mr. Laurent held to the edges of his shirt and then slicked back his thick blonde hair with his hands. He eyed me carefully, like I was a meatball dangling in front of a giant wolf and then spoke. "I have been following you around, Ms. Leah Clearwater, to make sure you never found your mother, Sue Clearwater, per orders by Harry Clearwater before he died. He found out a secret about you and didn't want anyone else to know. And so, we were supposed to take care of the matter while you were in Seattle and away from your family. He took out a large insurance policy just before, knowing he would no longer be alive. Unfortunately, you survived and he did not."

"Wait… my dad wanted to kill me? He wanted me to go to Seattle to kill… me?"

"We get all kinds of jobs."

"That's rather calloused, Mr. Laurent," Esme said, looking back to me. I felt like crying. "I don't think Harry Clearwater would have wanted someone to kill his five-year-old daughter."

"He did it for his family. At least he wanted to be with her when she died. That was a first."

"What was the secret about me?" I asked, choking back tears. Alice walked up to me, holding her hand to my back, trying to comfort me.

"It's a secret," James Victoria Laurent told me and then pulled out another cigarette. I hit it out of his hand, causing it to fall to the ground, and then catching the end of the couch on fire.

"You've helped me out Leah," James Victoria Laurent told me, and then laughed. He laughed manically like Cedric Diggory in my dream.

"You," I said, pointing at him, "you started those fires."

"Of course – it was actually the Volturi Hired Hit Man Service."

The couch leaped into flames suddenly, and the fire moved in an instant to the other furniture, surrounding us.

"I've placed an accelerant throughout the house and it will burn quickly now." James Victoria Laurent told us. "I'll be going."

I grabbed around him, gripping his shirt in my hands, "Tell me everything! Why? Why did my dad want to kill me?"

"Stop Leah, we have to get out," Esme told me, but I pushed her away, yelling at her, "Take Alice and Jasper and get out of the house."

"No - you're coming with us," Alice was the one speaking now, and she began coughing from all the smoke.

"Leah, I won't burn, but you will," James Victoria Laurent told me, and then pointing to the rest, "And so will they."

I turned back to see Esme, Jasper and Alice coughing, quickly surrounded by flames climbing the walls along the hallway, and igniting all the furniture in the kitchen and nook. Toward the front door and garage door it was engulfed in flames, as flames crawled along the walls, licking up at the ceiling. It moved so quickly.

His eyes turned completely blood red. It finally struck me. I knew James Victoria Laurent. I'd seen him standing outside every house while it burned. I would see him and then he'd slip on his shirt and walk away. What was he?

"I have a special gift," he said, reading my mind again. "Just like you, Leah."

He turned and walked through the fire and then out the back door. If only we could walk through fire.

Smoke and flames surrounded us. The house burned so quickly. It moved so fast we were trapped in the flames. I looked to Alice, already succumbing to the smoke and falling to the ground. Jasper held her, looking for an opening. Esme wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I pushed her away. "This isn't right. I just found my mom. This…" I watched Alice lying on the ground with Jasper. I felt so strange inside.

The heat - I remembered feeling the heat. It was just like the other foster homes. He didn't care who was in the house or who would get burned. He was the one who followed me around my whole life burning down the houses I lived in so that they'd keep moving me around from one foster home to another. And I still didn't even know the reasoning. It didn't make sense.

(But then what does in this story? – really.)

Smoke surrounded me everywhere. I couldn't see the others. And then… everything turned to black.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I was running and heard voices in my head.

_Did you see the fire?_

_You bet._

_Is that the Cullen's house on fire?_

_Where are Alice and Leah? Did they make it out safely?_

Okay, that voice sounded like Jacob. Why was I hearing voices in my head? I think I knew why, because I was dreaming again. Or, I hit my head again. I remembered everything going black and I was having one of those concussion dreams. Soon there would be giant wolves performing _A Chorus Line_. _"One… singular sensation… every little step she takes… ONE… thrilling combination… blah blah blah blah blah blah."_

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Which one of you is singing like a girl?_

_It wasn't me._

_Me neither._

Now I was hearing them talk over my singing, I think. I decided to mind speak (my own term at the moment since I didn't understand it) to the voices.

_Hello, I'm Leah. Where are you guys and why are you talking in my head?_

_LEAH???_

That was definitely Jacob's voice.

_Jacob?_ I asked in my head.

_This is a wolf-only channel… sis._

I stopped in my tracks and looked down. Oh. My. Gosh! And then I realized I had three bodies on my back.

I lowered them to the ground. It was Esme, Jasper and Alice. They were covered in soot. Esme started coughing and then Jasper. Alice was still lying unconscious. She was the smallest.

I then realized my foot wasn't a foot – it was a big, fuckin grey paw. My whole leg had grey fur. Oh. My. Fuckin. Goodness!

I'M A GIANT FUCKIN' WOLF!!!

Rose and Emmett came running toward us.

Rose ran right up to me, her arms outstretched, as if she could block the three on the ground from me. "Back away from them!" she yelled.

Emmett lowered to the three on the ground, Esme and Jasper coughing, and Alice still not moving.

"Get away!" She shushed. "Back away from them… wolf!" She smacked at my nose and I whimpered. Was she going to punch me across the face again?

Esme told her, "No – the wolf saved us." She coughed into her hand. "It just showed up…" she coughed, "in the smoke and saved us all. Jasper placed Alice…" she coughed, "on its back… before he passed out."

Rose looked back toward Esme, who fell back on her elbows. "Why isn't Alice moving?" she asked Emmett.

"She's inhaled a lot of smoke, I think. The fire department should be here any minute with the paramedics," Emmett said.

"Get away from us anyway, you stupid wolf!" Rose yelled at me once again, and then went down on her knees beside Alice, listening to her breathe, and checking her pulse.

She started doing CPR on her, coaxing her to live. I felt like crying. Could I cry as a wolf? Why was I a wolf? Was Alice going to be alright?

I looked out to the woods and saw James Victoria Laurent walking away into the forest. It was him. He tried to kill them.

I looked back once more at Rose giving Alice CPR. I howled, knowing there was nothing I could do to make Alice better, and then ran after James Victoria Laurent. I couldn't do anything else for Alice, but at least I could make sure the one who hurt her paid.

My paws felt cool as I ran so quickly through the forest. James Victoria Laurent saw me and took off running. He was fast. What was he? He could walk through fire, and was psychic, and could also run really fast.

_We'll join you_. It was Jacob's voice, and then I saw the large red wolf running beside me.

_Hi Jacob._

_Hi Leah. Who knew we were both wolves?_

_Obviously not me._

_Yeah, sis, we heard you thinking and know he's responsible for that fire. _

_He killed our father_. I told Seth. I knew it was him – he was a basic brown wolf.

_Don't worry dude, we'll take care of the evil hombre._

Okay, that was definitely Quil.

_Whoa dude, you're like a wolf too. Cool – a wolf chick._

And that was definitely Embry.

It was nice having a pack. We were going to get James Victoria Laurent, and we were going to take him down together – as a pack - and make him pay for everything he'd done.


	14. Takin' Care of Business Wolf Style

**A/N **This is short, but still filling.I love crazy Bella and Edward, and they'll be prominent soon.

**Chapter Fourteen - Takin' Care of Business Wolf Style, and New Living Arrangements**

We sat in a circle, our paws overlapping one another chewing the remainder of James Victoria Laurent. Quil licked at Embry's ear, cleaning him up. He had a piece of James Victoria Laurent stuck to the side of his head.

_Tastes like chicken._ Seth's voice said.

_He tastes good. _That was Embry.

_Yummy. _And that was Quil, still licking Embry's ear, which was now making me uncomfortable.

_I thought he was hard and chewy like pork rinds_. Jacob said.

Embry spit out a small stone.

_Sorry, got a really hard section._

We looked down at the phallic-looking stone.

We all quickly stood from sitting, clearing our throats, spitting at the ground, coughing like we were coughing up fur balls for at least five minutes.

_I should change into a human_. I said. _I need to see how Alice is doing_.

The wolves all let out a collective whimper and short howl.

_You all love Alice too, don't you?_ I asked.

Their large heads nodded all at once.

_She always feeds us and she knows who we are and never tells anyone. That's nice – the way she keeps our secret._ Jacob was speaking.

_Is that why you gave her a ride on your back? _ I asked him.

_Yeah. I'll go with you to see how Alice is doing._

_Okay. Um… how do we change back?_

_Think about changing back and then – voila – like this_.

Four naked males were in front of me. The only one I stared at a little too long before turning away was Jacob. He made me think of becoming a human again, too.

They were all staring at me, except for my brother, Seth. When I looked down I realized why.

I quickly hid behind a tree.

"Can one of you get me something to put on?" I asked, nearly dying of embarrassment.

"Seth," Jacob ordered, "run back to your house and get some clothes for Leah from your mom."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Seth retrieved some jeans and a T-shirt that said "World's #1 Mom." I questioned his mental capability once again.

Jake and the others wore some shorts or sweats, and we walked out from the woods to Jake's house. He called around to find out what happened with the Cullen's home and found out they were all at Forks Hospital, and they told him I died in the fire.

Jacob relayed, "They said you died in the fire. That makes me kind of sad."

"I'm not dead."

"Oh good – then I'm happy." He smiled, and I questioned why I was so in love with this dim and hot wolf boy. I think wolf-changing had ill affects on the brain – that and all the pot smoking.

Jacob drove us to the hospital and we ran inside. When Esme saw me she grabbed around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. "We thought you were dead. Thank goodness you're not. I hate planning funerals."

"I…" I had to think over what to tell them. I couldn't say I became a giant wolf and ran out of the fire with them on my back. "I guess I wandered out to the woods and Jacob found me. I was a little out of it."

Jasper waved to me, with a slight smile and mouthed "_thank you_." I think he knew, or Alice told him, that I was the wolf that carried them on my back. He sat beside Emmett and Rose.

Emmett was holding around Rose as they sat in a chair, comforting her. When I saw her I asked, "Where's Alice?"

"She's in a room recovering." Rose then leapt from the chair. "You're alive!" She hugged around me tightly, bouncing me up and down in her arms. "Alice will be so happy."

"I'm not," Edward walked up with a combination expression of seething and glowering. "I thought you died in the fire."

"I didn't."

"I see you've become a mom."

"I didn't become a mom – I had to borrow a shirt."

"From a mom?"

"Yeah Edward, from _my_ mom - actually. Where's Bella? Stuck in a fan somewhere?"

"How'd you know? It came out of nowhere from the corner of the cafeteria in the hospital. EVIL FANS!"

Esme took my hand, "oh you two kids. Leah why don't you go in and see Alice? She's been asking for you. We didn't want to tell her you were dead. I guess it's good that you aren't."

I nodded, and then she led me down the corridor to Alice's room.

Alice was in the middle of the bed with a breathing tube in her nostrils. She looked especially small in the middle of the hospital bed. There was an IV with clear liquid running into her arm and then other monitors beside the bed and a small clip attached to her finger.

Her eyes opened when I entered and she smiled, her big brown eyes brightening my mood. She looked like she was going to pull through.

"I'll leave you two alone," Esme said and left me in the room.

I walked up to Alice's bed and then held her hand. "How are you doing?"

"Okay. Rose gave me CPR. I breathed too much smoke they said."

"It's probably best not to breathe smoke in the future then."

"Yeah," she giggled. "I saw you. I saw you and thought you were a pretty…" she looked toward the door, and then, "wolf."

"Thanks. I'm sorry that James Victoria Laurent hurt you because of me. We took care of him. He won't hurt you ever again."

"You and Jacob, and the other wolves in your pack?"

"Yes."

"Did he taste good?"

"Not really."

"He was a vampire, wasn't he?"

"I'm not sure. We pretty much pounced on him and ate him right way and he didn't talk much. I did pull off a thigh."

"That's my favorite part from KFC."

"Mine too. I wanted both thighs but then Seth stole one."

"Well – that's how brothers are some times."

"Yeah. All the wolves worried over you. They like you a lot and hope you get better. Jacob's even here."

"That's really nice of them. Tell your pack not to worry. I can leave tomorrow. I guess I'm being monitored tonight."

"Better safe than sorry. I was worried too, and so I'm so…" I sniffed, starting to cry, "I'm so happy you're okay."

"I'm happy you are too. I'm also happy you finally became a wolf and found your family."

She placed her other hand over my hand that was holding her hand and we held hands for awhile.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I sat on the bed at my mom, Sue Clearwater's house, writing in my journal:

_The Cullen's had no house to live in and so my mom, Sue Clearwater, invited them to stay at her house. She wanted to repay them for keeping me. It was rather strange. She was also dating my… __**nemesis**__ - Bella's dad, the sheriff, Charlie Swan. I realized if they got married I would be Bella's half-sister. The wonderfulness of finding my mom continued to take a more downward shift._

_I had a hit placed on me by my dad, Harry Clearwater, that I would never tell another soul about because I didn't want to make my mom or brother sad. The hit man was a pasty-chested guy named, James Victoria Laurent, that my new wolf pack and I killed and ate. He wasn't very tasty, in my opinion; although, Embry and Quil enjoyed more than their share, but then I think they were stoned._

_While JVL (I'll shorten it to his initials since I'm tired of typing – I mean writing – his name) was trying to kill me and my dad, I survived because I think I shape-shifted into a wolf – but, I'm not sure. I began to think over how I survived all the fires. I was followed around by the possible vampire hit man, JVL, who burned down foster homes throughout my life. It made no sense, but I was used to things not making sense._

_I then realized I didn't care enough about my other foster families to change into a wolf and save them – especially those lesbians, K. Stewart and A. Greene __**[BaDum]**__, who despite being really hot they just didn't do it for me like Jacob. Oh wait, they were supposed to be parental figures. I think I'll erase that section later. _

_Anyhow, I might have shifted and that's how I ended up outside the fire. But, for some reason I loved the Cullen's enough to shift and then save them. I especially loved my best friend, Alice Cullen, and I had to save her. I think my heart would have completely broken if I lost her._

_I also wondered if part of the reason I changed and was finally aware of the change was because my wolf pack lived nearby and I had to be near them for my wolf transition to be complete._

"Were you aware you said all that out loud?" Alice asked me as she sat on the bed in my room at my mom's house.

"Oh I did?"

She hugged me close. "I love you too."

"Thanks."

Rose walked in the room. "Oh can you believe how small this place is? We all have to share this bed."

"We do." Alice grinned widely, looking up at the beautiful Rose and then over to me. "Wow – guess I'm in the middle."

**[BA DUM]**

**A/N **Okay, lots of lesbian references. I know. *hee* I couldn't help myself. BTW, I think Ashley Greene is absolutely beautiful. I love Kirsten Stewart also and I only mocked them for the story. I would never mock their awesome acting skills and beauty if not for use in a parody. (I think I mentioned the Stewart-Greene household in Chap. 5 of this story.)

Thanks again for reading and the reviews. : )


	15. Sleepover From Where Else Hell

**A/N** Wow, this was a weird chapter to write. I had to re-write it twice, and I even used sophomoric humor – which I hate to use, but it fit. I feel like I wrote it in a fog. I have a bad head cold. Sorry if it's a bit random or doesn't make sense. But then, most of the story is random and senseless. LOL

Thank you everyone who reads this wild and weird story. Forgive me Bella and Edward. I love them together and I have always secretly been _Team Edward_, but I just had to poke fun at them. They make it so easy. XD Oops, now I've let you all know my secret. I'm also a big Blackwater fan. Rose gets her punches in, and Alice is always cute. I think this chapter has a little of everything.

So please read and enjoy – oh yes, and review.

**Chapter Fifteen – Sleepover From Where Else – Hell**

The Cullen home would take a couple of weeks to be restored to a livable building. Only half was destroyed in the fire, but the other half of the house, where most of the bedrooms were, was only slightly charred. Contractors were clearing it out and fixing it so that the family could move back in to sleep. Only Carlisle and Esme stayed behind. There was enough room for them.

Emmett, Jasper, and Edward slept in Seth's room. I told Seth to keep one eye open while he slept. Rose, Alice and I slept in my old room that I didn't remember having. There were some pictures of me when I was little and I still didn't remember. I only recently began remembering watching the foster homes burn slowly, and the pasty-chested hit-vampire, James Victoria Laurent, walking away from the flames.

The plans for my "Welcome back to the Quileute Tribe" party were still under way and would probably take place this weekend.

Once the Cullen's moved back in, I wouldn't be joining them. My mom, Sue Clearwater, expected me to live with her now. Canada was still a possibility when I turned 18. I knew she was my mom, and Seth was my brother, and the Q's were my tribe, but I wasn't sure I wanted to live here any more. My dad tried to kill me at one time. That kind of stuff leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

"Chicken anyone?" Sue called, entering the house with two buckets of KFC. She also brought home her boyfriend, Sheriff Swan, who carried two more buckets. Bella walked in the house with them, carrying her own bucket of KFC. Already I didn't like the sheriff.

"Hello… Leah," Bella said, smirking, holding the bucket of chicken while Seth drooled nearby. I couldn't help but drool myself. I knew there were thighs inside.

"Hello……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………._Bella_."

"What's with the long pause?"

"I learned a long time ago from a certain TV sitcom that long pauses, while simultaneously speaking slow and sibilant after a long pause could have a more comic affect on an audience. It's all in the pause.……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………_**nemesssssisssssssss**_."

"I've got my eye on you," she threatened.

"Good – but then what will the other eye do?"

"It will… it will…." I gave her something to think hard about and walked up and took the bucket of chicken from her.

Instantly I removed a thigh, and then tossed Seth a leg. "Here you go boy."

He leapt in the air, snatching it, and then scurried to the corner to eat. I then handed Bella back her bucket. "Here – you should keep an eye on this." I grinned, "But only one eye – the other one is busy."

"Stop confusing me."

Edward walked up beside her, "STOP CONFUSING HER!"

The whole kitchen turned to watch Edward, still relapsing from his sociopathy; but then went back to eating.

Alice and Rose waved for me to join them at the table. Alice also pulled out a chicken leg and tossed it to Seth. He caught legs of chicken really well. He sat beside her. No one noticed he sat on his haunches, begging for food from Alice.

"Hey everyone, look who's here," My mom, Sue Clearwater announced, looking to me, "the one I hope to call son one day."

_Sheesh, could she be any more obvious?_

My mom, Sue Clearwater, handed Jacob a chicken breast. His eyes searched until settling on me. "Hi Leah."

His smile was so sparkly with his white teeth that sparkled. He walked in, his shirt open and showing off his bronze pecks and abs. He was also wearing jeans, slightly low on his hips, teasing me to look – which I did.

"Hi Jacob!" Bella called to him and he walked over to me, in slow motion, ignoring her.

"I have a breast," Jacob said, leaning over me, and then bit into it slowly. "Yum."

I gulped. I nearly wet myself.

He held the breast to my lips, "want some?"

"S-s-s-s-s-sure."

The grease from the KFC slid around my lips, and Jacob took a bite from the other side.

"A wolf can get hungry," he said slowly.

I squeaked a weird sound that sounded like an "eeeehh," in between bites. _Why did he have to be so HOT?_

We finished up the chicken dinner without further interruption, the evil sheriff who brought my nemesis left, and then my mom, Sue Clearwater, told us to get ready for bed.

I walked out of the bathroom just as my nemesis… Bella… was entering.

"Whoa – what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Spending the night. Your old, before mom, Sue Clearwater, invited me."

"She's my new mom, Sue Clearwater."

"Whatever – I think she's old."

Bella was in a pink robe and fluffy bunny slippers. My domo slippers would eat them in a sec.

"We don't have room in the bed for you… Bella."

"Rose and Alice seemed fine with it. They asked me to sleep in the middle."

"Alice has the middle. You could never take Alice's place."

"Oh I could and I would."

"Yeah, but does that mean you should, if you could and you would?"

"I should if I could."

"Then you would only if you could, and I don't think you should."

"It's not a matter of if I should, I just would if I could, and I should because I could."

"Well then you should because you definitely could and would, so by all means you should."

"Damn," Bella snapped her fingers. "I'm lost again."

"Good," I pointed toward Seth's room, "bedroom is that way."

"Thanks."

Bella went to the boy's room and I slipped in the room, making sure there would be no room in the bed for when Bella returned – if she did.

Alice asked, "Were you talking to someone?"

"Yes, it was an intruder – but I took care of them."

"An intruder?" Rose sat up, "We should call the cops."

"We should if we could, but why would we?"

_Oh fuck, I was starting it all over._

"What do you mean we should if we could…?"

"NEVER MIND!"

Alice asked, "Are you a sociopath too?"

"No. It was just a pesky fly. I call them intruders. I call all bugs – insects – even spiders – intruders. So, anyone ready to go to sleep?"

Bella whipped open the door. Her hair was a wild mess, falling in front of her face and she was scowling.

"Hi Bella," Alice said. "You're here?" She grinned widely, "_neat_."

"That was the wrong room," she told me. "Seth got KFC grease all over my hair. Jasper peeked out from under the covers bare-chested, and I thought it was a ghost. I nearly had a heart attack. Edward… well, he wanted me to stay, but not with those others. Emmett took up most of the bed. Emmett wasn't wearing a shirt either and has tons of curly chest hair."

Rose leapt up and punched Bella across the face. "You nympho bitch!"

Alice and I stood with our mouths wide open.

"Sorry," Rose grinned, "I tend to overreact."

"Um," I stared down at Bella on the ground. "Wow Rose." I felt at my jaw recalling when she punched me across the face. She had a mean right hook. "Wow."

"Is she breathing?" Alice asked.

I went down placing my hand in front of her nostrils. I looked up, "Yeah, she's still breathing."

Alice, Rose and I stood around Bella's body.

"Let's just place her in the bed and act like nothing happened," I said.

"Works for me," Rose said.

"Me too," Alice said. "Can I sleep next to her?"

"Um… sure." I didn't understand why Alice wanted to be next to Bella, but it was better than me or Rose sleeping beside her.

Bella was in the bed and Alice was in the middle and so I was beside Alice and then Rose.

Lights were out.

Crickets chirped outside the window.

Rose was snoring so I tried to push her over to her side.

She fell out of the bed. "Oops." I pushed her too hard.

I looked on the floor and Rose was still asleep. I was afraid she'd punch me if I woke her up so I left her there.

I turned to see Alice curled up against Bella. Ew.

It was difficult to sleep like this.

I then heard a noise at our door. I turned to see Edward walking in his sleep.

"_Oh fuck_," I whispered.

He walked over to the side of the bed where Bella was sleeping.

"_What the hell_," I whispered to myself. He just pulled it out and peed on Bella.

I covered a hand over my mouth. He had a lot of pee. Wow, crazy Cullen's and their poor potty habits.

When he finished he turned and left. Ew, he didn't wash his hands.

I couldn't sleep and got out of bed. My bedroom smelled strongly of urine and was noisy.

I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I felt like something to eat and made myself a turkey sandwich.

Sitting at the table eating I thought over this house, trying to remember growing up here. Suddenly I glimpsed me at the table eating Boo Berry cereal. I wanted Count Chocula but my mom had a strange aversion to vampires.

Oh happy day, I had an actual memory of my childhood.

I got up from the table and spied my little brother walking to my room. I walked down the hall to see what he was up to.

I suddenly heard someone peeing. When I made it to the door of my room I saw him lifting a leg. He was muttering in his sleep, "Mark up my trees, will you crazy Cullen. Take this."

"_What the hell_," I whispered to myself. He was marking Bella because Edward had peed on her?

Double _Ewwwwwwwwwwww_.

There's no way I was sleeping in my bed this time. I went out to the living room to sleep on the couch.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Next morning I woke up and wandered around for a minute before I figured out I was in my new mom, Sue Clearwater's, house.

She was already awake. "Sweetheart, why'd you sleep on the couch?"

"It was a little crowded in my old room."

"I'm sorry our accommodations are so small."

We heard Bella scream.

Everyone rushed to the hallway when we heard Bella scream. She turned to all of us, "What the hell happened to my face? When did I get beat up? Why am I soaked on the front of my pajamas? Ew… and what's," she sniffed her wet pajamas, "what's that smell?"

"El Chupacabra, is my guess," Seth told us. He sniffed her and then suddenly looked guilty. "It wasn't me."

"Why did I spend the night with you crazy Q's?" She was crying. "I'm leaving."

"You might want to shower first," I told her.

Rose agreed, "You do smell disgusting."

Edward approached her to comfort, but instantly recoiled. "Ew, yes – you need a shower my love."

Bella suddenly pointed to me. "It was you! It was you wasn't it?! You did this to me."

"I didn't pee on you and I didn't punch you. I don't know what you mean. I think you're delirious."

"You're all," Bella backed up pointing to all of us. "You're all after me, aren't you? You're jealous! You're jealous of my beauty, and greatness, and my gift at Googling, and my brown hair and brown eyes that none of you have… and my truck. Well you can't have it!"

She ran out the door.

"Damn and I thought Edward was insane," I said.

"I AM NOT!" He yelled in my face and then ran after Bella.

"Should we stop her and help her out?" Alice asked. "She was a good heating pad last night. Of course, maybe that's why she was so warm…." I knew she was contemplating all the pee.

Edward ran back in the house. "She drove off like a fan on high speed. I HATE FANS!"

"Everyone needs to calm down," my mom, Sue Clearwater said. "I hope she doesn't drive off a cliff or something impending doom like that, or hit a tree, or run over a member of the Q's, or something or other that would just set up the climax to a story, if there was a story happening, of course, but there will be a _New Moon_ tonight and I'd hate for her to fall into the water and nearly drown on a night like this."

We all stared at my mom, Sue Clearwater, as she went on making no sense. Ah, those old women and their tales. I think she was having visions.

I did feel a little guilty. I grabbed Seth, pulling him aside. "Hey, let's change into wolves and find Bella."

"I didn't pee on her."

"Seth, we're so over that scene, and I saw you – don't worry," I winked, "it's our secret."

He grinned and then hugged me, "Thanks big sis."

"Sure." I rolled my eyes.

"I'll have to do my happy dance now."

"NO. No, it's cool. We don't have time."

Rose grabbed me by the arm, speaking out of the side of her mouth secretively, "Don't tell anyone I punched Bella, okay?"

"Secret's safe with me. Then I hope you don't mind that I pushed you out of bed last night and that's why you slept on the flo.…"

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

I woke up on the couch. Rose, I think, over-reacted again with that mean right hook. My jaw hurt. I rubbed it as I sat up on the couch.

"Oh thank goodness you're alright." My mom, Sue Clearwater hovered over me. "We don't know what happened, you just fell over."

"You mean when Rose punched me?"

"Did I?" Rose asked, holding her right fist in her hand.

"I'm sure I was mistaken," I threw out quickly.

Seth, Rose, Alice, Emmett and Jasper were standing behind my mom, Sue Clearwater.

"Where's Edward?" I asked.

They all looked around.

"Is he looking for Bella?"

"We didn't even realize he was gone," Emmett said. "But then we try to not pay attention to him so often. He probably went back home. He said he had to find something of importance for his triumph over the Q's and to end the world - his usual megalomaniac announcements that he makes."

That couldn't be good. He was relapsing right now.

Alice took my hand. "You should really find Bella." She whispered in my ear, "_Can I ride on your back?_"

"Sure, you can carry something for me to change into in a backpack."

"_Neato-weeto_."

I wondered how long I was out. Alice told me, since she always seemed to read minds or something, "You were out for six minutes. But, we really need to find Bella."

"Okay."

"She's much more necessary than you think."

"Um…sure."

I didn't understand what she meant.

"I know you hate her and she's your nemesis, but she's really important to the series… of events."

"Yeah – I got you. Bella is important. Sheesh, Alice, stop pushing for Team Bella. I get it. Team Leah is out – Bella is in. I got it. No one wants to hear about Leah – it's all Bella, Bella, Bella and Edward, and Bella. I know. You think I don't see the hits for the scenes with Bella and the lack of them when she's not around. I know – she's a fuckin' goddess to everyone around her. Fuckin' goddess! Fuckin' bland, brown-eyed goddess of the inept, shallow, weak, insipid girls of the world! Death to all feminine triumphs over the last 40 years! I get it! No more female empowerment – no more kick-ass chicks of the last decade of the woman – it's all baby mama's and barefoot kitchen slaves! I get it! Damsels in distress and knights in shining armor! Taylor Swift songs and vids with little Princess outfits and Princes coming to the rescue! Forget education and inner strength and fortitude. Forget all those things that make a woman great – like our MINDS. It's all about what hot dude they can fuck. FUUUCCCKKK!!! I get it! Ahhhhhhh – I get it!"

I fell to my knees, hands raised to the sky.

Everyone looked at me oddly, whispering. I think I'd been hit in the head way too many times.

"Wow, you read a lot more into what I said than what I meant. I just meant that I thought you should help her because that's the nice thing to do," Alice told me, patting me on the shoulder. "Seth's waiting for us outside."

"Oh." I snickered embarrassed. "Okay." I got up from the floor, "Then let's go find Bella."

My mom, Sue Clearwater told me, "Just remember, soliloquy's are usually skimmed and not read."

"Sure…………………….. mom."

"You called me mom!"

My mom, Sue Clearwater lifted me in her arms and hugged me so that I could barely breathe. I didn't mind. It was nice having a mom.

I looked to Alice and she was smiling. I could always count on her smile to bring me back to reality. I knew we had to leave soon.


	16. The End is Near Cliffs

**A/N **Whoever asked me early in this story if the black wolf was Sam I'm sorry - it was Sam. I, at first, thought Jacob Black was the black wolf – Jacob **Black**? LOL Sorry for the confusion. ^^;;; You were right early reviewer. : )

Thanks for reading you all… oh yes, and for the reviews. ;)

**Chapter Sixteen – The End is near… Cliffs**

Alice laid her head against the cowl of my neck as I ran through the forest. We followed the scent of oil that trailed behind Bella's truck. She rubbed her fingers into my fur, which felt really good. Now I knew why dogs liked that. She then scratched behind my ears. That felt especially good. She then started rocking on my back, and I wasn't quite sure why she did that.

Seth ran alongside us. Alice, something I didn't realize before, could mind-speak with us wolves.

_I like your fur, Leah. It feels reeeaaaalllllyyyy good._

_Thanks_, I told her.

_Do you like my fur?_ Seth asked.

_Uh-hum, it's very matty and tangled like hair left in the bath tub drain._

_Thank you. Do you want to go out?_

_You're… not really my type._

_Wolf?_

_No – male._

I suddenly felt very uncomfortable with Alice on my back.

I asked, _What about Jasper?_

_Oh, I like him most. He's very androgynous._

_So do you want to go out?_ Seth tried again. _I can be anxious too._

_Still no._

Seth whimpered.

We stopped suddenly. I saw Bella's ugly orange truck driving full speed through the forest just ahead. She was driving like a bat out of Meatloaf's mouth.

We took off running after the ugly orange truck.

I saw a large black wolf out of my peripheral vision appear suddenly, cutting through the forest from the other side. We were both chasing Bella's truck.

_Who are you?_ The big black wolf asked.

_Leah… Leah Clearwater._

_She's my sister._

_You're the one we're having the party at the cliffs for in a week or so. You're a girl – so how did you become a wolf?_

_Thanks for noticing my gender, and I don't know why the hell I'm a wolf._ I asked, _Who are you? _

_Sam Uley. I'm the leader of the pack._

_Sam? The one who duct taped me to a tree? You're the black wolf that I used to think was awesome, but now I realize you're just a duct taping sadist? That Sam?_

_I'm not sure - if you're going to make up names for me._

The ugly orange truck swerved, missing a tree. I think she was lost. She was driving further and further, and higher and higher up the mountains.

_I'm the leader while you're on Quileute lands so you need to stop. I'm telling you to stop pursuing the truck._

_You aren't my leader – so fuck off duct taper!_

The black wolf slid to a stop and I kept running. I laughed to myself.

I looked behind me and Seth also stopped. Why didn't they want to chase down the ugly orange truck? It was actually kind of fun chasing trucks.

_LEAH! _

_STOP!_

I turned back around and saw the edge of a cliff. I tried to stop and went flying off the edge. Shoot, Alice was on my back.

_Hold on tight!_ I yelled to her.

I could feel her small hands gripping my fur. My paws were moving, like in Warner Brothers cartoons when they keep running on air before falling straight down.

I looked down and it was only around a 40 foot drop. However, we were about to land on the ugly orange truck, floating partially in the water.

My paws hit the cab roof, and then I leapt to the bed.

_That was fun!_ Alice was excited.

_It was kind of fun._

_There's Bella._

I looked out and she was trying to swim in the water and was doing a horrible job. She looked like someone drowning.

_Oh fuck – she's drowning!_

_I can swim._ Alice told me.

_Just stay here, I'll go get her._

I was hoping she had been drowning long enough to wash off the pee. I really didn't want to bite into the scruff of her neck and taste my brother, or Edward's, urine. Ew.

I doggy paddled over to her splashing wildly, and screaming, then going under, and then screaming, splashing, going under, and then screaming some more.

She went under and I dived slightly trying to find her with my snout. I bit down pulling her upward to the surface.

She started hitting me. I think she thought I was trying to eat her.

"Bella," Alice called from the truck, "The wolf is saving you. Get on her back."

Bella swam away, "Ahhhhhhh, he's after me!"

I guess she didn't hear the part about me trying to save her.

I doggy paddled after her.

She started drowning again.

I bit at her clothing and she started screaming, pushing me and then swimming away.

This was getting old really fast as I swam in circles at least three more times trying to catch her.

I finally raised a paw and just pushed her under the water. I figured if she at least lost consciousness then I could drag her to the surface.

Alice yelled at me, "What are you doing?!"

_Drowning her._

"I know she's your nemesis, but you'll regret killing her." _She is a sociopath._

_I heard that. I'm not. I'm trying to save her but she won't let me._

Alice jumped in the water, swimming out to me. She grabbed to my fur and then reached out and pulled Bella up and to my back.

I doggy paddled with them both on my back to the beach and then lowered them both on the ground.

Alice grinned, "I better do CPR."

There were so many new things I was learning about Alice.

_Do you know CPR?_

_I have a general idea._

_I know CPR. I'll change back._

I became a human and Alice stared at me.

I asked her, "Where are my clothes?"

"Oh… hmm, let me think about what I did with them. Oh yeah, they're back at the truck."

I looked out as the truck was sinking into the lake.

"Oh fuck. I'll change back to a wolf and then swim out and get the backpack."

"I'll be right here with Bella doing CPR."

I looked down at Bella. She could die. Man, I had no clothes on and my nemesis was there and she could die any minute. Decisions…, decisions…, decisions….

I went down on my knees and listened to her, to see if she was breathing. She wasn't, so I placed my mouth over hers and started breathing in. I did it three times and then listened to see if she was breathing. I did it again, over and over.

Alice sat on the ground, watching me closely over Bella. "This is better than the L Word. And they're on cable."

**[ba-da-da-da-dum]**

Bella started coughing and I pushed her to her side, trying to get her to spit up the water. She coughed and water poured from her mouth. I lifted her to sitting and she looked over at me for a second. She coughed into her hand and looked over at me and then to Alice and then back to me. She coughed up some more water.

"Leah saved your life," Alice told her. "Maybe you should give her a hug. I saved you too. You can give me a hug."

Bella looked disoriented; she asked me, "Are you naked?"

"Yes- Why yes I am naked," I told her proudly. "Are you?"

Bella looked down at her pajamas. "No."

"Well then that makes one of us." I stood up. "Alice, I'll be back in a second."

I ran to get my clothes. I had to change into a wolf to swim and get them. Once I retrieved them I swam up to an alcove, changed into a summer dress, and then walked back to find Bella in Alice's arms.

"Hi Leah," Alice said, "I told Bella how brave you were."

Bella smiled up at me, "I didn't realize you had to fight off the big, ugly wolf. I understand though, people do things for me all the time because… well, because I am who I am. They can't help themselves."

"Big ugly wolf?"

"The creature that was trying to eat me. I think he's the one who dented my beautiful truck. Stupid wolves."

"Stupid wolves?!" I grew angrier.

"Yeah, they should be shot. I'm going to tell Edward that we need to kill them all."

"Kill them all?! Are you insane?!"

"I'm going to question your loyalty with that attitude."

"Fuck your loyalty! I should have let you drown."

Alice still held Bella in her arms, stroking her boring long brown hair. Bella pouted at my outburst. She spoke to Alice, although I could hear her, "she's jealous."

I stooped down directly in front of Bella and stared into her eyes, our noses nearly touching. "You… are still my… _nemessssssssissssssssssss_, bitch. There is nothing… of you… to make me… _jealoussssssssss_."

Alice shuddered with a gigantic grin.

Bella stared at me blankly. She got really quiet and stared. Oh man, maybe I caused her to have a heart attack. She had psychological problems and had a quack psychiatrist. Maybe she was having an episode. She kept gazing into my eyes.

I snapped my fingers in front of her face, "Yo – you okay?"

"Wow – you have such a commanding way."

"Huh?"

Trucks, vans, and a police cruiser with flashing lights, pulled up next to us at First Beach. Sam and Paul stepped out of one van, with Quil, Embry and Seth following. My mom, Sue Clearwater, pulled up in a pick up truck. Emmett, Jasper and Rose were in the back bed and jumped down. Sheriff Swan ran up to us from his police cruiser. The only one missing was Jacob.

Everyone was here. I looked over at Sam and knew he probably called them all.

"Are you all alright?" Sheriff Swan asked his dimwitted daughter.

"No," Bella leapt up and hugged her dad, "A killer wolf tried to eat me in the water."

"A killer wolf?!"

All the Q's began whistling nonchalantly.

I told him, "The wolf was trying to save her. I saw it all."

"He had his paw on my head and was drowning me." Bella turned on me.

"You wouldn't stop fighting his rescue attempts."

"He kept biting at me like he was bobbing for apples."

"He was trying to pull you up out of the water with his teeth you idiot. He doesn't have hands!" I held up my hands for emphasis.

"Alice told me that _you_ saved me, Leah." Bella was looking at me admiringly and it was freaking me out. She was doing that spacey gaze again. She batted her eyes.

"I… I… I… aye, aye, aye."

All the Q's stared at me, with hands in their pockets, rocking on their feet and they whistled again. My mom, Sue Clearwater, and Seth, watched me closely, shaking their heads back and forth.

"Sheriff Swan," I said, "there's an ugly orange truck polluting the water. You might want to fish it out. It leaks a lot of oil and you wouldn't want a Valdez level oil spill at First Beach."

I walked up to my mom, Sue Clearwater. "Can I have a ride back to your house? I need to take a nap. I think I'm getting a headache."

She hugged me. "I'm so proud you saved your future sister."

Ugh, she was going to make me sick while in her arms. I was definitely heading to Canada when I turned 18 now. There was no way Bella Swan, my nemesis, was going to be my sister.

I then heard Bella telling her dad, "I'm going to ride back with Leah and her new, old mom, Sue Clearwater."

"Sure dear. I need to fish out your truck, and then I'll hunt down and kill that wolf."

_Oh fuck,_ she was coming with us. Wait – WHAT THE HELL?! He wants to kill the wolf?!

All the Q's sneered in my direction, as if I'd brought down a plague upon them. I didn't mean to draw attention to myself. This wolf thing was new to me.

Sam especially sneered and seethed, and did a face like crazy Edward. In fact, I began to wonder – where was Edward? … And Jacob?

This would be a perfect scene for Jacob to run up and hug me in his big strong arms. I could see the whole thing play out, as we push the limits of a T rating once again. Who the hell is writing this shit?

Ah fuck, somehow I ended up in the front seat squeezed between Alice and Bella… my _nemesis_. Rose, Emmett, Jasper, and Seth jumped in the back bed of the truck as we all drove back to my mom, Sue Clearwater's, house.

What the hell is Rose doing in the back of a pick up truck? Like _that_ would happen?

…oh… okay, we're ending it here? No cliffhanger?

No – wait - a fat couple are standing in the middle of the road as we drive back to my mom, Sue Clearwater's house. The woman had to be 400 pounds and the man was at least 500. They stood in front of a long sedan with Mississippi license plates. Alice suddenly wrapped into a little ball and slid on my lap. She was shivering.

She cried, "They're here."

A/N Duh – duh – duh – a cliffy.


	17. Fatty, Fatty TwobyFour

**A/N **The following section will have many deep south sounding phrases. I'm channeling Harper Lee's, _To Kill a Mockingbird_, and then I'm going to take that Mock- yeah, ing-yeah, bird-yeah, and cook it up in gumbo, fry it in a deep fryer, and then pour some jambalaya on top.

**Chapter Seventeen – Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four, Can't Fit Through… much**

A fat couple is standing in the middle of the road as we drive back to my mom, Sue Clearwater's house. The woman had to be 400 pounds and the man was at least 500. They stood in front of a long silver sedan with Mississippi license plates. Alice suddenly wrapped into a little ball and slid on my lap. She was shivering.

Alice cried, "_They're here_."

"Who's that?" I asked.

Bella peered out the windshield, "They're so FAT!" She then burst out laughing.

For once I agreed with her and laughed alongside.

"No kidding – they are FUCKIN FAT ASSES!" I howled.

**[A/N I would never say this.] **

We kept laughing. At least we agreed on something - picking on fat people. I would now stop calling her Bella, my nemesis, and only Bella.

My mom, Sue Clearwater, hit the brakes. "I wonder what those………… people want."

"You can say _fat_ people. We don't do politically correct here, mom."

She leapt over Alice to hug me again. If she was going to do this every time I called her mom I might start calling her "hey lady."

My mom, Sue Clearwater jumped out of the car, asking, "Hello, can I help you? Are you lost?"

The obese woman said, "Well now, we heard that our daughter might be in these here parts."

The man was sniffing around the car, like a hound dog after a coon.

"Who's your daughter?" my mom, Sue Clearwater, asked.

"Well now," the woman spied over at the man. "She's just a bitty thang named Alice – our little Mary Alice Brandon."

My eyes quickly shot down toward the small, shivering creature on my lap. "Oh crap – those are the fatty's that locked you in a cage all your life?!"

She stayed on my lap. I think she'd gone catatonic.

I opened the sliding window at the back of the cab. "Hey Rose – psst, Rose I need you a sec."

"What is it?" She asked, and added, "Why am I in the back of this truck?"

"Who knows? Poor scene planning is my guess. Anyway, those fat people – the ones who said all blondes are bitches and the big guy with the dark curly hair looks like the son they abandoned at a Burger King - are trying to take Alice away."

Rose's eyes grew smaller. She leapt off the back of the truck and walked up to the woman who was the size of a John Deere tractor.

My mom, Sue Clearwater, was talking over gardening or Forks weather or something or other that had to do with best eateries nearby because them fat folks needed them some grub.

Rose's fist flew within a millisecond and the fat woman was down for the count. Oh yeah – giggidy-giggidy-goo.

The fat man rushed Rose, "What the hell you do that for Blondie?"

He was down for the count as well. Them Brandon's were goners. I be holdin to my tongue, if it hadn't a been for them folks still blocking the road.

"It's okay now," I told Alice. I yelled out the window, "Yo – get them fatty's out of the road." I started honking the horn.

"Why did they want Alice?" Bella asked as dim as always.

"They're the reason she is in foster care. They kept food from her and kept her in a cage her whole life, and only kicked her crumbs. As you can see – they didn't really need the extra food they withheld from Alice."

My mom, Sue Clearwater, was still out there, looking over their fat carcasses. Did you know that when fat people are unconscious on the ground they spread like a lump of bread dough?

**[A/N I would never really say this.]**

My mom, Sue Clearwater, ran over to the window. "I need to call an ambulance."

"No, don't do that – they got enough fat to last through a few winters," I told her…, "Mom."

She jumped in the car, over Bella to hug me again. I did that one totally on purpose.

When I looked down at Alice she still wasn't talking or moving. She just lay there, like she was in a coma. My mom, Sue Clearwater, scooted back out of the car.

I told Bella, "Hey, call your dad, the sheriff, and tell him there are a couple of escaped convicts on the loose in La Push. They're wanted for cannibalism. Rose had to take them down."

"Really?!" Bella believed me. "Oh my goodness, they could have eaten your new, old mom, Sue Clearwater."

"Tell me bout it."

"Okay, well they might have grabbed her while she was talking over Forks weather and local eateries, and …."

"Whoa – I didn't mean for you to _literally_ tell me about it."

Rose climbed in the truck beside Alice, me and Bella. "I'm riding in front now. Those fat chins hurt my knuckle."

"There isn't room." I then glanced over to Bella, who was my nemesis again. "Hey," my mind was churning up another wonderful plan, "I think your beauty shouldn't be hidden in this cab. When you're in here everyone out there is missing out on seeing you. You should ride in the back – let the wind totally give you that MTV video look and your beauty would be seen by everyone we pass. Could you imagine _you_, in the back bed, standing up and seen by… _everyone_?"

I could see my mom, Sue Clearwater, talking on the phone. She was talking to that sheriff boyfriend of hers. Damn, she was getting the fatty's help.

"Rose, quick drive," I said.

"What about your mom, Sue Clearwater?"

"She grew up here – she's wanted to walk more – get more exercise."

Bella was smiling so wide and there was a wildly vain gleam in her eyes. "You're right, Leah, I think I'll get in the back. I can't deny those who might want to see me."

She climbed out of the truck and Rose was hitting the gas. Oops.

I looked behind us and Bella and my mom, Sue Clearwater was standing near the fat lumps of dough. I'm sure the sheriff Charlie Swan would pick them up.

"Where we headed?" Rose asked, taking her job seriously.

Canada entered my thoughts. No, we had to make sure Alice was alright. She still was in her coma and wasn't moving. I looked at her eyes, which were open, but she wasn't moving. "I think let's head to your house and see if we can find Esme. She is probably the only person who would understand what's going on with Alice."

"Got ya."

I looked back and no longer saw my mom, Sue Clearwater in the distance. I could see Emmett and Jasper sitting down and playing rock, paper, scissors. It looked like Jasper was winning. I hope my mom, Sue Clearwater, didn't feel badly I drove off and left her. Bella, I couldn't give a shit about.

We came up on the half-burnt house and parked.

"Alice, we're safe," I told her, "we're at the Cullen household and Esme is here. Wake up, okay?"

Alice finally looked up at me.

"Hey," I smiled, brushing across her hair. "Let's go see Esme. She's your mom, right?"

Alice nodded.

"She always keeps you safe, right?"

Alice nodded again.

Rose scooted next to her, "Hey Alice, do you want me to carry you? You remember how you loved that – riding piggy back?"

Slowly a grin spread on Alice's face. _Oh brother_.

We made it up the steps of the house and Esme was inside scrubbing off soot from the mantle in the living room. The re-building was coming along nicely and there were now actual walls with plasterboard and a roof. All was unfinished, but it was livable.

Esme smiled and then looked over at Alice. "Is everything okay?"

Alice told her, "_They're here_."

Why did that phrase sound so familiar?

Esme dropped her cloth and walked over instantly to Alice, then scooped her in her arms and held her close.

For all the mean things I thought over Esme and her quack psychology, she really did love her foster kids. I could see that.

Esme told Alice, "You will always be with us. Don't worry."

Carlisle rushed in the door. He still had his doctor lab coat on and was carrying a piece of paper. He looked over to Esme holding Alice and his eyes drooped at the corners. "Esme, love, you might want to read this. I rushed over as soon as I could. Are… _they here_?"

"Alice told me _they're here_."

"Fuck!" I finally yelled, "Stop talking with that phrase that now I remember, is from _Poltergeist_!"

"Oh yeah," Rose exuberantly joined in, "loved that movie. It really didn't get the praise that it should have like that crap _ET_ and that disgusting looking alien."

"I so agree," I told Rose. "Fuckin' alien – like they would talk all nasally like that. The dude didn't even have a nose. Stupid product placement with those Reese's Pieces too - M&M's with peanuts are so much tastier."

"I like M&M's too," Alice joined in and she was smiling.

Alice walked up to Rose and I, and she no longer looked in a daze. See, now that's the kind of product placement that brings people together.

Esme was reading whatever was on the piece of paper Carlisle held. She had her hand to her mouth and tears at her eyes.

"This isn't right. They can't do that," she told Carlisle. "They're criminals."

"No longer," Carlisle said.

"She's only sixteen."

I realized they were talking about those fat lumps of dough and that they had a piece of paper that meant the fatties wanted Alice back. That wasn't going to happen.

I asked the two doctors in the house, "You're not going to let them take her, are you?"

"It says we have to on this piece of paper," Carlisle told me.

Rose grabbed around Alice's shoulders, pulling her closely to her. I'm sure Alice loved that.

"So?" I said, and then grabbed the piece of paper.

"It's the law," Carlisle said. "We can't go against the law."

"People do it all the time." I ripped up the piece of paper. "I just smoked some pot the other day and that is still fuckin' illegal when it shouldn't be."

"You were smoking pot?" Esme asked, flabbergasted. "I thought you only cussed too much. You're a drug addict too."

_Damn_.

"No, I'm not a drug addict – its pot. I'm not addicted to it."

I couldn't believe we were on this subject now.

Carlisle looked over the ripped up paper on the ground. "It doesn't matter if you rip it up. They have other papers and a lawyer and the police on their side."

"Then we'll have to," Edward came around the corner carrying a duffle bag, "KILL THEM ALL!"

Fuck, he could make an entrance.

He glowered in my direction. "I've realize something Q-girl, that you can die later."

"Gee thanks."

**A/N** Those Cullen's are crazy, but you gotta love how they take care of their own. :D

Thank you so much for reading and I look forward to your reviews – really, I do. : )


	18. I Want Some Baby Back, Baby BackRibs

**A/N **A chase scene and a fat lady does sing. Is it the end…? No way. We still need a fuckin' explosion and a musical number. I have some important interactive questions for you readers at the end of the chapter. I hope you take part in my survey? :D

**Chapter Eighteen – **_**I Want Some Baby Back, Baby Back… Ribs**_

Esme wrung her hands, pacing back and forth, repeating, "What are we going to do? She's my baby. Oh my goodness, what will we do?"

Carlisle stood beside her, trying to comfort her. She was neurotic at this point.

Alice had this look of contentment, as Rose held around her comforting her, pulling her close to her breast. And then there stood Edward, glowering and holding the duffle bag.

I looked to Edward, carrying the duffle bag. Jacob wasn't around. I noticed it had a big red stain.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I ran to Edward, grabbing his collar, "You fuckin' sociopath! What did you do?! Why? Why would you do that?!"

"How'd you know?"

"The red. The blood. He's missing. You hate him because Bella has a thing for him. I knew it. I knew it!"

Alice, Rose and the Cullen doctors watched me, grabbing Edward and all backed up.

He pulled away from me, "Careful Q-girl, I told you you didn't have to die… _yet_."

He then lowered to his haunches, setting his bum on his heels, his eyes growing smaller and smaller as he unzipped the duffle bag. I wasn't sure I wanted to see what was in the bag. I didn't want to see Jacob like this. I didn't want to remember him in little pieces or maybe just a head – the bag really didn't seem like it would fit much else of him.

I held my hands to my mouth, anticipating, frightened.

The zipper was unzipped and I noticed the rest had slowly crept up to watch.

We all leaned over Edward.

His hands held to the sides of the duffle bag. He looked up to the five of us, grinning so large that it hid his glowering. He actually looked normal for once.

"_Voila_!" He ripped open the bag.

"AHHHHHHHH!" I shut my eyes, holding my arm across them.

"Wait, what is that?" Rose was first to speak.

"They smell good," Alice said.

"Don't they?" Edward gleamed, and beamed, and not a glower in sight.

"It's making me hungry," Carlisle stated, with a little giggle under his breath. And Esme, with his arm held around her, agreed, "Mhmm."

"Me too," Emmett said, while walking in the door with Jasper behind him.

Oh yeah, I forgot they were in the back of the truck. The whole last chapter I forgot to bring them in the house. I mean, it wasn't me it was the person… well, you know what I mean.

Jasper didn't speak – the usual. He walked in gliding like a ghost.

Finally I looked in the bag, because the smell was tantalizing. Rows upon rows of baby back ribs from Chili's [**product placement**].

"Those fatty's won't be able to resist," Edward stated, and I found myself actually impressed with him. "We tell them we'll trade the ribs for Alice. Simple."

"A bribe?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes."

"Why… that's diabolically brilliant son."

Edward smirked, and then went back to glowering as I spoke.

I asked, "Where'd you get the money to buy all those ribs? I mean, those things cost a fuckin' lot of money. That's like $14.99 per rack and then you've got like," I counted, "twenty racks in the there. That's like… three-hundred bucks before tax."

**[A/N I got out my calculator since I suck at math.]**

"You do math really well," Esme told me, sounding impressed.

"It's the pot. It helps me concentrate on high brain function matters. Everything else is for shit, but yeah, I can even do quantum physics when I'm high."

"You're high right now?!" Esme screeched. She was such a mom type. "And you need to watch your language."

_Oops_. "No – fuck no - I was just saying if I ever got high in the future. You know, considered a career in aerospace or something technological…. But I'm not high right now, just a little residual leftover in the brain."

Esme shook her head, disappointed in my pot ways and potty mouth. Ah well, I was a Q down deep, and she was a crazy Cullen, and I realized we would never quite fit. I belonged with the Q's. I also wondered how Edward knew the fatty's were coming to get Alice. Plot hole, was my guess. That happens when you don't use outlines and just wing elaborate storylines because you think, 'hey, this is an awesome idea and just start writing.' But, that didn't matter right now. Right now I'm thinking over being a Q and still wondering where Jacob is, and…

Alice cut me off, "Edward," Alice said, looking to me, sighing because I thought for much too long, "Thank you for trying to help me."

"You're a Cullen and we Cullen's have to stick together." Edward glowered at me, adding a bit of seething, "And STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY SCENE WITH THAT DAMN INNER DIALOGUE – DAMN IT!"

"Sorry," I told relapsing Edward. "How'd you get the ribs?" I asked, trying to calm him down.

"You didn't know I had a part time job at Chili's on the weekend? I just walked in and grabbed all the plates, placed them in my duffle bag and left. For some reason no one stopped me and they always move back when I walk by." He scratched his head, "I don't understand why."

_I did. He was a fuckin' sociopath._

Alice suddenly broke into the Seth happy dance, and Jasper followed. That was just weird.

In the middle of the living room they hopped around like a rabbit, and then started leaping like a frog, and soon were flapping their arms like eagles, running in a tight circle. When they did this Rose and Emmett joined them.

The four did synchronized back flips, a quick foot shuffle, and this time with added jazz hands. This is when Edward joined, he loved the jazz hands, and they did another set of jazz hands when he joined.

They leapt in the air kicking up their heels, clicking them twice, leaping backward until landing, and then two quick whirls with their legs fully extended in a pirouette, looking like a ballet number, and stopped, settling on the floor on all fours, all grinning widely with their tongues hanging out the side of their mouths.

"That doesn't get any less gay," I said.

Carlisle and Esme clapped their hands, "Bravo children. That never gets old."

This family was weird.

Suddenly the door burst open and Sheriff Swan, my mom, Sue Clearwater, and Bella… _my nemesis_… walked in.

There was a strange sound at the door, like it was groaning, and I realized it was the two fatty's trying to squeeze inside.

The sheriff went to help them, "One at a time - one at a time, folks."

First the fatty guy walked in and then his fatty wife. It felt like the ground shifted under their weight.

Sheriff Swan walked up to Carlisle and Esme with a piece of paper. _Damn_. They had more pieces of paper.

"Sorry Cullen's, but Alice has to go with these……… folks, Mr. and Mrs. Brandon."

"You can say _fat_, we don't do politically correct here," I threw out, growing flustered. I was so upset he was going to allow these fatty's to take Alice.

Bella seethed in my direction. "They aren't cannibals."

"You just wait." I walked up close to Bella, causing her to shudder when I whispered in her ear, "_I wouldn't turn my back on one_."

Bella scooted away from them.

I wanted to turn into a wolf and eat them. There'd be nothing left over and they'd simply disappear, and I'd have me a fine silver Lincoln.

"No," Alice told me, with that look that she would get when she was hearing and reading things like people's thoughts. "That would be wrong, Leah."

The fatty woman suddenly whiffed the air. She was sniffing like wild. "What's that smell?" She pushed aside the sheriff, "Oh my… what is that SMELL?"

The fatty man did the same and they looked like drug addicts smelling a spoon and needle nearby. "That is one tantalizingly yummy smell Eugenia dear."

_Sniff…sniff…sniff…snork._

"Your name is Eugenia?!" I laughed, "That is one fuckin' stupid name. What's his name, Virgil?"

"Yep," the fatty man said. "You kiss your momma with that mouth?"

"No, but you can kiss my ass." I slapped my back end, "Right there… fatty."

"Why I never," the fatty woman shuddered, acting _verklempt_, but then started sniffing the air again wildly, like a mad dog after a mailman, or a vampire after blood, or a mouse after a cookie. (Yeah, you thought that too when you read the book - You give a mouse and cookie and he's ripping apart your house for another bite – fuckin' cookie addict.)

She and fatty man were making their way to the duffle bag.

I saw the duffle bag on the ground and I grabbed it and ran outside. The fatty's followed, just as I knew they would.

Jacob drove up on his hog just in time. I wondered where he'd been, but I'm guessing I'd find out at the end of the scene.

He didn't have a shirt on, only some tight jeans and barefoot, and I had to stand and just look at him for a minute. His bronze pecks glistened in the sun's light, and were shimmery from being wet. The mist that gathered in this forest had sprayed him lightly, making him take on a special glow on his pecks and abs and those beautiful, strong shoulders. I was getting wet standing outside in the mist and in places that didn't get rained on. _Oo-la-la_. His black hair shined and sheened, and then his deep brown eyes watched me, while his teeth sparkled when he smiled at seeing me the way they sparkly sparkled.

"Hi Leah," he said, his voice as smooth as butter sliding down my breast if this was an M rated scene. Shit, if this was M we would have made time for a lemon about now.

I threw the bag to him. "Quick, we need these – for a bribe and to get my mind out of the gutter."

"Those are mine!" Edward yelled, running out the door, Bella following close behind him.

"I know what I'm doing," I told him.

The fattys ran out the door also, smelling the ribs. They were salivating at the aroma. They looked like frothy _Cujo's_.

"_Give me some a' them baby back, baby back ribs,"_ The fat woman sang. "_I need me some a' them baby back, baby back, ribs…."_

"…_at Chili's_," the fat man sang.

And then I heard the Cullen's join the chorus, _"…at Chili's_." That was some nice harmonizing.

And Sheriff Swan added, "_Forevermore_…" Leave it to him to end on a different song. Idiot - just like his daughter. I don't know what my mom, Sue Clearwater, sees in him.

**[A/N Okay, should I keep calling them the fatty's or the Brandon's? Decisions…, decisions…, decisions….]**

I leapt on the back of Jacob's hog and yelled, "Hit the gas! The fatty's are coming!"

**[A/N That's what I thought.]**

_:::Music started up:::_ in the background as the hot rod silver Lincoln followed us. It was chase scene music in Michael Bay films. _Dah-dah-dah – doo-doo-doo – squeeeee – dah-doo-squeee. Repeat. _

Dirt was being kicked up all around as we spun a donut and backtracked.

"What's going on?" Jacob asked.

"We're leading these fatty's out to the forest and then we're going to change into wolves and eat them."

"Okay, I should invite the rest to join. These won't taste like that last guy you had us eat will they? Because, frankly, he gave me… some… um… stomach problems."

_Oh… that's where he was._

"No these ones are soft and lumpy like bread dough. Tons of yummy fat – and four giant-sized thighs."

"Yum."

Jacob spun his hog past Edward glowering, Bella waving frantically, still desperate for him to notice her - get a clue, Alice shaking her head, still making me feel bad for what I was going to do, Jasper… standing, Emmett and Rose were making out. Damn – why'd they get the M scene? And then Carlisle and Esme waving the paper in the air, and then Carlisle ripped it for me to see. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up and then we drove off.

I heard a siren, and knew that idiot Sheriff Swan was following us too. He and his doing things legal way. Damn it!

Jacob hit the gas, spun out once again, and the silver Lincoln followed with Sheriff Swan in his police cruiser close behind. We were headed deep into the forest.

_Dah-dah-dah – doo-doo-doo – squeeeee – dah-doo-squeee. Repeat. _

**Vitally IMPORTANT A/N**

I hope you guys are reading these author's notes because I have some very important questions for you to answer in the reviews this time around:

What is your favorite catchphrase or possibly character scene in this series so far? Is it the happy dance, "Fuck the Meatballs!" or maybe "I HATE FANS?!" There are many more to choose from. Perhaps the random back and forth's by Dumbella and Leah.

What song would you like for the dance number at the end? Do you want to go Broadway, movie musical classic, or 80s, or even modern rock, or rock opera?

Finally, what would you like to see before this story ends in the next few chapters? A ratings change and that lemon scene?

**[Note from Leah: Fuck, write lemon – LEMON, DAMN IT! I'm growing older by every chapter.]**

I'm looking forward to your input. Don't let me down. ;)


	19. Lemonade, Lemon Pie, Lemon Slice

**A/N **This was a difficult decision. Most everyone voted for the lemon (pervy readers ;) ), but I had much angst over the scene as you will see with the following A/N's throughout. Leah fought hard. I eventually made this an M.

SO, if you are reading this story as a T rating, and were okay with all the cussing and violence and bathroom humor - realize this gets much worse. There will be sexual activity. That's right – I typed it – sex. If you are under 17, please do not read this chapter. This is an M Rated Scene! It's going to be two people under age making out without protection. What the hell was I thinking allowing this?!

I'm nixing the scene – damn it! Nixing this! It goes against my fundamental beliefs on teen sex.

Charlie Swan (the sheriff in the story): Excuse me, author, but I have condoms in my cruiser.

………………. (Considers that being a very good catchphrase, "I have condoms in my cruiser.")

Charlie Swan (the sheriff in the story): They can have safe sex now.

(Leah walks in)

Leah: Are you fuckin kidding me? Why the hell do you have condoms in your cruiser – pervert. Get away from my new mother, Sue Clearwater, now. FUCKIN PERV!

Charlie Swan (the sheriff in the story): I confiscated them during a sex raid at this story called "What in the Ward!" It's a story with all these Edward's, the "-wards" from fanfictions across the interwebs, and even Bellas – my daughter – are involved as the "'ellas."

Leah: They have sex in that story?! Whoa, they have sex in that story? Isn't that all that damn Edward and Bella again? What the hell is with those two always in stories? What is it with those two always having sex? I am so fuckin hotter than Bella. She's like a dwarf or something… I'm this _tall_…, _hot_…, _chick_.

Jacob: True dat, babe - _rowwwr_.

Author: Whoa, whoa, whoa, all of you get back in the story and out of the dressing room. Dumb shits! And you two – you're lucky I'm allowing Charlie to provide you with condoms, because seriously, you are too young to be having sex on my watch, kiddos.

**A/N** _Okay_, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Please, if you are reading this story as a T rated reader, stop here and do not read further. There will be sex, lemons, smut, and all that kind of stuff that I don't understand what it means because I'm new to this fanfiction lingo. I mean, it took me forever to figure out what the hell "slash" and "femslash" meant. Gay sex? Really? Same sex partners? Seriously? They have that in FanficLand? (I'm kidding *wink* Yeah, and I don't keep pets in basements, either.) So, read on if you are over 17, because two teens that are 17 are going to be having protected sex (man, is this the BBC?).

**Chapter Nineteen – Lemonade, Lemon Pie, Lemon Slice, Lemon Zest, Lemony Snicket, Lemon Meringue… You get the Point**

Jacob and I raced higher and higher up the mountains, the silver Lincoln hot on our rib-packing tails. The sirens from Sheriff Swan's cruiser kept pace behind us. We were just not going to be able to shake him.

I tapped on Jacob's back, "Pull over at that clearing. I think we need to make a deal with the fatty's."

Jacob nodded. "I really didn't want to eat them."

"Me neither. They pretty much disgust me."

All parties stopped in a clearing in the forest. Jacob and I disembarked the hog. I held tightly to the duffle bag with ribs.

The fatty's car slid to a stop, grounding up the mud and foliage, and the two fattys hopped out, making the ground feel there was a small tremor.

The sheriff's cruiser pulled over also, the lights still flashing. Bella, Edward, my mom, Sue Clearwater, and the Sheriff, Charlie Swan all piled out.

A jeep driven by Emmett also followed and pulled over. All the Cullen foster kids piled out: Emmett, Jasper, Rose, and Alice riding piggy back on Rose. Damn that Alice was a horny little lesbian bitch.

**(A/N HAHA, okay, I just had to write that. You see Jezz – you see what you did to me?! No more IM'ing you to get inspired.)**

They all stood in a loosely configured semi-circle, with me and Jacob at the front with the duffle bag of ribs.

Edward immediately yelled, "GIVE ME BACK MY RIBS!"

"Chill," I yelled to him, "You were right, Edward."

Edward suddenly calmed. "What do you mean?"

"Trade the ribs for Alice. You were actually right. You had a great idea, Edward."

Bella… my _nemesis_… snuggled up close to Edward, smiling, and said, "I was right too."

"_Whatever_," I said, since she didn't make any sense any way, "_idiot_."

I approached the fatty's - the slobbering, drooling fatty's - and told them, "I'll trade you these delicious, mouth watering, yummy ribs for your signature on those papers telling the sheriff you relinquish all rights to Alice. You leave with a duffle bag of mouth watering baby back ribs and go back home. Edward will even give you a coupon." I looked to Edward and he gave me one quick nod in agreement.

Twenty minutes later the fatty's drove off with a duffle bag. They signed off their rights to Alice in two minutes flat. They couldn't resist the baby back ribs. Those fattys didn't take more than a minute to conclude they wanted the ribs more than Alice. Edward was right. Edward was fuckin' right. I knew the world was screwy.

It was a good thing that Sheriff Swan brought the paper work with him too.

So now I was ready to get to business with Jacob. I had been leaning up against his hot body all this time, going up a mountain, something big and thick between my legs, rumbling, moving, and getting me all excited.

My mom, Sue Clearwater asked me, "What are you going to do now, sweetheart?"

"I was about to have sex with Jacob… Jacob Black."

"Oh," My mom, Sue Clearwater sighed, growing emotional, "You've grown up so much right before my eyes."

I'd only known her for around a week as my mom, but okay….

"Just a sec, you'll need something if you're planning on pre-marital sex as a teen. We wouldn't want any unwanted pregnancies or an STD, or anything like that. I've always believed in practicing safe sex. Abstinence, of course is the best preventative measure, but if you are just going to do it, then it's best to be safe."

**(A/N Sex education for you all. I know those of you under 17 are reading this – bunch of sneaks.)**

I stood, thinking my new mom, Sue Clearwater, was really open…, progressive…, and weird – mostly weird.

Sheriff Charlie Swan approached me and Jacob, his thumbs tucked into the top of his belt. "Well," he grinned, guffawing and chuckling, and laughing, snickering, and then guffawing again, "you two are going to have sex now, eh?" He slapped Jacob on the back really hard. "Ho-ho, my boy - I'd kill you if it was with Bella, but since its Leah and I barely know her, then let me help you out."

"Everyone is kind of killing the mood," I groaned.

Charlie slipped something into Jacob's hand and with a wink, "I keep these in my cruiser," he grinned again, did some more guffawing, and then left with my mom, Sue Clearwater.

"What's that?" I asked Jacob.

"Some condoms," Jacob said, looking surprised. "Three." Now he just smiled so that his sparkly teeth sparkled.

"He keeps condoms in his cruiser?" I watched my mom get in his cruiser with him. Oh… oh, that's… that's just sick.

I turned back to see Jacob doing the happy dance in the middle of the field.

And then I realized the Cullen's were there with Edward and Bella. I'd forgotten all about them. Had they seen the exchange? Did they know? Emmett gave me a thumbs up. Yeah, they knew.

This was really killing the mood for me. I couldn't take all this pressure. I was going to have to have the hottest sex scene in fandom history… I mean, in Q history… I meant in my story… oh crap - I didn't even know what I was writing… I mean thinking… I mean… oh fuck….

**(A/N And I changed this to an M for you bitch? Are you up to this scene? I mean, really… angst much?)**

Yeah. I can do this. It's just there's so much pressure. Can we just have a cutaway scene and get me out of here?

**(A/N Sure.)**

Jacob and I rode up to a quiet spot in the mountains. There was a waterfall, the water looking pristine, sparkling like Jacob's teeth. It smelled of grass and tree barks, and was a beautifully aesthetic spot, looking untouched by man or creature. It was like a scene in a movie about elves and rings that make people do ridiculously crazy things.

He parked and we disembarked the hog. He helped me off the bike, being such a gentleman.

I was breathing hard, feeling the orgasm tease through my lower extremities. My hands had been touching Jacob's shirtless pecks for a long ride, with my pussy leaning up against his lower back. You can't get much more heated up than that.

"This seems so sudden," Jacob told me, smiling down at me with those sparkling teeth that sparkled.

"Nineteen chapters seem like yesterday."

"I love when you say things that make no sense."

"Same here. I'm pretty sure we've gone into non-sense making stuff for awhile now."

"But, it's okay – since we're here now."

"Yeah."

He grabbed around my back, pulling me close, his lips so moist pressing against mine. His breath smelled of mint and something like coffee, but it didn't matter - I liked coffee and those little candies that taste like coffee too.

Our tongues teased against one another, as we kissed madly, my hands moving along his back muscles. I was so thankful he wasn't wearing a shirt, as my hands continued massaging all along his back, reaching lower and lower.

His hands were all over my back and moving quickly down my lower back to my ass, massaging me, making me grow even wetter, the feelings tingling through my lower stomach and genitals and across my thighs.

His lips were so good, so thick, so moist, and so warm. Wow, he was a good kisser. Those teeth didn't sparkle for nothing. They were being shined up by those hot lips of his, and we fell back to the ground, him over me, kissing me more.

I unbuttoned his Levi's, until he simply kicked them off, never missing a beat, as he continued kissing me.

He then moved those lips down my neck and along my jaw. He kissed up to my ear. Oh, that made me squirm inside, as he teased, licking my ear and then blowing gently at the edge.

"Uhh," I groaned, "that feels so good."

"How about this?" He moved his lips to my clavicle, and then to the top of my breasts. He gripped the top of my shirt in both hands and ripped it apart. Oh, I loved when he was rough.

He worked his hands behind me, unbuckling the bra strap. He ripped that away too, and began gnawing on my breasts, biting the nipples, and then licking around and round, like the top of softee freezes at Dairy Queen when you try to keep the ice cream from dripping down the side of the cone.

"_Gnah, gnah, gnah_," he muttered. "You taste so good."

"I'm thinking of ice cream."

He rubbed his hand down along my pussy and under my panties, "me too." And then he grabbed me hard while kissing my stomach and I arched my back. "Oh fuck - YES!" I yelled, he was pressing so hard, and working over my lower half, smearing cum all along my clit, as he gently rubbed that too.

He quickly unzipped my pants, yanking them off roughly, and then ripped my panties off me.

He then lowered over me, and I could feel his warm body over mine, his cock touching, pressing against me from the inside of his Hanes. I watched his beautiful brown eyes staring into mine. I realized…

"_I'm a virgin touched for the very first time…"_

"_Like a virgin,"_ he sang back to me, "_when your heart beats… next to mine."_

We both chorused, "_hoooooo_."

"_Gonna give you all my love boy, my fear is fading fast_," I sang, watching him.

"_Been saving it all for you_," He lifted, crescendo'ing, "_cause only love can… laaaaassssst_."

And then we sang together, "_You're so fine, and you're mine_."

And I spoke with him, as if we read each other's mind, "For all time."

We stopped singing, our eyes meeting, realizing what this meant. We were only 17. Why did everyone want to have sex? We could wait. We had our life time and we were in love. I really was in love with Jacob Black.

He said, "I love you."

"I love you too."

And then we kissed gently on the lips.

We then sat next to one another, him holding me in his strong arms, so that I felt the warmth of his chest as I leaned back. The sun was setting over the mountains, and with it the mist that settled in the forest drifted from the Pacific ocean, hovering around us.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"I just did – we're both wolves – maybe that's it. I sensed it. But it was fun rounding the bases with you. You don't always have to hit a home run."

"No, sometimes you can just have fun playing the game. It's not like I'm a whore like Bella."

"True dat – but, you are hotter."

"Yeah…" I grinned, "I know."

We continued sitting until I told him, "Hey, maybe you should give those condoms to Edward… and then make sure and tell the sheriff."

"Yeah – that'll be fun."

"Yeah."

And then at the same time we laughed, "_Idiots,_" and laughed some more.

Night fell, as we continued sitting. Eventually we changed into wolves and headed back to find some clothes and maybe a leftover lemon cookie that my mom had in the pantry. I loved lemon… and so did Jacob. But we loved each other more.

**A/N** _Gnah, Gnah, Gnah…_ that's the end of the lemon scene. What were you expecting? I'm a mom of a 17-year-old girl and she said, "Why does everyone have to have sex?" I agreed. ;D And sooooo, I hope you liked it. I wanted to mix a little of everything and make it a nice little love scene. So, I hope you all liked it. There is more to come. We still need a big musical number and something to explode.

I'm going to incorporate the winners of the last poll I gave you all to answer. That means there will be more FANS, MEATBALLS, and THE HAPPY DANCE.

**IMPORTANT NEWS:** I'm here to advertise the new summer story collab with X5-452 (yes, she sounds like a cyborg, but she really isn't). She is only the other best "Leah" writer on . So, we have the Superhero Saga that already has two of the stories started. So, go read them and review, and find out more by looking over my profile:

"_LKA: Superhero Saga; Stage One_" (Leah's POV) This is the Main Story. Alice is her sidekick and Leah just kicks… stuff.

"_Sidekick Registry: Superhero Saga; Stage Two"_ (Bella's POV) And this one is slightly more humorous because Edward is a nerdy paranormal investigator and Alice "see's things," and Jasper gets involved.

Eventually we'll start the third part, _"Paranormal Investigations, FPI: Superhero Saga; Stage Three." _ (Rose's POV) This one has Rose and Emmett as FBI partners with the special paranormal investigation unit, who can't keep their hands off one another.

So please check out our collaboration for the summer superhero fic! Start with Stage One! (Sign me up for Author Alert to know when the next Stage of the Saga is placed here.)


	20. Yellow Submarines and Tommy Chong

**A/N **Time for a drug-induced psychedelic trip, man! Enjoy the trip and don't forget to pay the fare before you get off… the bus.

**A/N ** Before I forget, **jezzeria **placed her new chapter for **_"What in the Ward!" _**of which, I am the Guest Author! WHOOOOO! I wrote Fanstock 1. :D So, please go check out Chap. 8 of _**"What in the Ward!"**_ (you can find it in my faves and then read the whole thing while you're at it - cause she's really funny.)

**Chapter Twenty – Yellow Submarines and Tommy Chong**

"Okay, so the lemon never happened?" I asked the tall man with a beard and mustache, and long black hair, with a small set of round glasses on his nose like John Lennon, but looking more like Tommy Chong.

"That's what I said."

"So the whole condoms in the cruiser, and the waterfall, and rounding bases, and then the musical number to a Madonna song never happened?"

"_Correctomundo mi friendo_."

"Wow, and we didn't have lemon cookies at my mom's?"

"No lemons anywhere."

I looked over where I was at. There were tons of psychedelic colors weaving in and out in the background, like I'd stepped into "The Yellow Submarine" cartoon by The Beatles. I used to love watching that video when I was a kid.

"Did I pass out?" I asked.

"Yeah, during the rib exchange you just fell over. The fatty's tried to make off with the ribs but they were stopped by the sheriff and that crazy Cullen."

"Edward?"

"Yeah – that crazy one."

"Where am I?"

"You're in the spiritual plane between reality and dreams, and some other stuff that has to do with mysticism and crazy shit like that, man. I don't really get it, but since you're a little comatose…."

"I'm WHAT?!"

"Yeah – sorry – but one too many bonks on the old noggin, man. You're relying on life support at Forks General right now."

"Will I wake up?"

"That's up to…" he quietly whispered, "_the-powers-that-be, man_."

"And why are you dressed like a hippie?"

"Cause I can wear this cool suede Nehru suit, and these huaraches are pretty comfy on my feet, man. And I get like the richest pot to smoke whenever I want and never get stoned."

"Are you sure – cause you kind of sound stoned now."

"Nope – ain't never stoned, man."

"Okay," _whatever_, I rolled my eyes. "You look really familiar."

"Yeah, man, I get that a lot. Let's face it – you seen one long-haired hippie and you've seen them all. Am I right?" He lifted his hand out, flat palmed, ready to give me five. I grudgingly gave him one, slapping down on a horizontal five the way they did like 30 or 40 years ago. This guy was kind of out of the loop.

"I can feel that," I said suddenly, amazed I felt his hand when I was dreaming or whatever.

"I know man."

"But you said I'm dreaming."

"No man, I said you are on another plane between reality and dreams. Anyway, man, I am to lead you to your spirit guides. I'm just the in between guy… and I wanted to see you. I put in like a special request with," he whispered, "_the powers-that-be, man_."

"What?" I asked as he turned away walking from me. He entered a thick mist and I ran to catch up.

"Follow me, Lee Lee." I saw his hand waving me forward, and then it disappeared into the mist with the rest of him.

It suddenly dawned on me. That voice. He called me Lee Lee. There was a swelling in my throat when I realized who that was – I'd just meant a young version of… my dad. My dad – I saw my dad.

"Dad?! Wait – come back!"

It began to grow dark everywhere. Storm clouds roiled above, and the psychedelic colors were replaced with shades of grey to black, the rain beginning to fall.

And then I realized my dad used to smoke pot like every other Q tribe member. It was in my genes. I could smell the pot mixed in the mist. Where'd he go?

"Dad?" I called out again; feeling a little frightened there was no more color. Did this mean I was entering death? I stood there in the rain for a long time.

"Whoa dude!"

I turned to see Embry.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

I then saw Quil walk up. "Hey dude."

"Okay, what are you _both_ doing here?"

"We're like your spirit guides man," Embry said.

"Why?"

"Don't really know or understand, dude," Embry pondered for a moment, scratching his head. "Me and Quil were like… in my room smoking some major hits on the bong – crying, cause they said we might never see our new Q sister again. Cause, like, we finally got to hang out with you as a wolf. So like, we were like so stoned. And then dude, it's like we're here. We're like… incredibly stoned right now."

I looked to Quil.

"And me," Quil said, "beats the crap out of babysitting my little toddler girlfriend."

"Got that right pedophile," Embry high-fived Quil. "Man that imprinting crap is weird."

"Yeah, gotta wonder who thought up that kind of messed up stuff?"

They both giggled.

"I was like folding some little pink outfits for Claire bear, and that one with all the frills around the butt area…" Quil stated out of nowhere.

"Oh yeah, dude, that's a cute one…"

"Yeah, and like she's all, Quil you my broder. I'm like, yeah babe," he laughed, "until you got a hot ass and then… _hah-cha_… come to your imprintee papa."

"OKAY!" I held up my hand. "Enough - of the day in the life of a pedophile. You two are sick. I can't believe you're my spirit guides. Shouldn't I have mature guides to help me through?"

"Guide you through what?"

"You two – you're my spirit guides."

"Whoa dude," Embry exclaimed, "we are?"

"Yeah, you just told me you are, until you went on that little talk over how much of a pedophile Quil is and Claire's pink frilly outfits and then her ass. Fuckin' pervs."

"Hey," Quil motioned, "calm down. I was just making conversation."

"_Whatev_." I looked out and noticed it was all white, and only a bunch of black holes were everywhere. It was an invasion of black holes above and below and all around.

"Whoa," Quil exclaimed, "see all them holes, dude?"

"Those black circles are holes?" Embry asked.

I answered, "Yes."

A little man popped his head out from the hole above us, "Fixin a hole where the rain can't get in."

"Obviously," I said, "you're upside down. Rain falls downward. The rain will more than likely fall into the holes at the bottom. Why would they travel upward?"

"She's a technical, bitch, ain't she?" the little man rudely said.

Quil and Embry nodded. Man, how did I get stuck with these two as my spirit guides? Shouldn't I have wolves, or old grandma's that are willow trees or something like that?

The little man popped down from the hole above. He had a large blue nose and a fat tie with a checkered pattern and then some striped trousers. He had horrible fashion sense.

"So love," he walked up to me, "you have strange psychedelic dreams like you're Dennis Hopper making those cheap B movies in 1972?"

"Actually, I'm not dreaming – I'm on some spiritual plane between reality and dreaming – oh fuck, I can't believe I'm repeating that."

"Ah-right." The little man snorted loudly, giant blue snot shooting from his nose onto the ground and becoming a blue poodle. "Come on Winnie the Poo… dle." He laughed, "HAHAHA, loved that one, eh? Winnie the _Poo_… dle – get it? _Poo_… dle?"

"_Yeah – got it_."

He then toddled away with the blue poodle walking behind him, and still laughing.

"Man, I am so done with this place."

It was quiet and I turned to see Embry and Quil sleeping on a hole. Suddenly, like a giant vacuum it sucked them into the hole.

I stood very still, contemplating what happened. Should I follow them into the hole? Should I save them? Maybe they went back to the bedroom where they could continue coordinating outfits for Claire?

"Leah!"

I turned and suddenly there was a giant stage shell, set up with instruments for a 40 member orchestra, with giant Lollipops the size of small ornamental trees lined around it, and then a river of pink fluid flowing underneath it, and then giant gum drops lining a yellow brick road to the side.

Alice waved to me. "Leah – there you are!"

"Alice?"

"It took a little while for me to get here. I actually had to smoke some pot – even though I really shouldn't."

"Why?"

"Well, I'm a little young and my brain isn't fully developed."

"No, I mean why did you come looking for me and how could you be here?"

"I can talk to you when you're a wolf too – but, who knows why that happens. This is mystical stuff that no one can really know or…"

"…explain – I know." I was getting much too use to this weirdness.

Alice skipped over to me. "Thanks for helping with the ribs. I didn't have to leave and now I can live with Esme, and Carlisle, and Emmett, and Rose, and Jasper, and even Edward forever. And I can always live next door to you and your old, new mom, Sue Clearwater."

"I know. My dad told me all about the ribs… sort of." I watched Alice walk right up to me with her usual giant grin and large brown eyes. I told her, "It was my dad, but he was younger and he looked like Tommy Chong."

"That's very interesting." Alice looked over the area, which suddenly had musicians at all the seats tuning their instruments. She asked, "Where are Embry and Quil?"

"They got sucked into a hole."

"Oh – did they go to the submarine?"

"You know," I giggled, "I'm going to play along with this just because I'm tired of fighting it. Alice, I wonder if they are on a submarine. Maybe we should go find out."

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Like what – Alice in this wonder land? Am I talking strange?"

"Yeah, kind of - like a person on the brink of insanity – sort of like Edward before he relapsed."

"Oh… you think I sound like a sociopath?"

"Maybe now you do – just a little."

The instruments were in tune and suddenly the timpani rumbled, slowly building in a crescendo, until the bang of a gong. Chimes let loose and the French horns began playing a somber piece, while the violins and cellos joined, so that it gave it an effect of a building wave, once the flutes and oboes joined in with the bass strings and piano, every instrument was playing a song that sounded familiar to me. I just wasn't sure why.

Alice and I turned to watch the orchestra and the stage now had two singers. It was Quil and Embry.

"There they are," Alice stated as if this was normal. "Oo, I wonder what they'll sing?"

"_Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me_?"

Alice laughed, "Oh that's a funny one."

"Or _Baby Love_."

Alice cracked up some more.

I was on a roll with the imprinting jokes.

Embry and Quil did a duet, as the strings played quietly in the background.

Embry began singing, _"Now I've… had… the time of my life,_

_No I've never felt like this before."_

"_Yes I swear,"_ Quil answered in song, _"it's the truth,_

_And I owe it all to you."_

Embry again, _"Cause I've… had… the time of my life,_

_And I owe it all to you."_

They parted with hands outstretched toward one another and sang as the beat sped up. They were singing the _Dirty Dancing_ theme song. I seriously needed a better music director for my dream sequences:

Embry, while doing some strange locomotion movement with his arms at his side, began swaying back and forth, singing, _"I've been waiting for so long_

_Now I've finally found someone_

_To stand by me"_

Quil copied Embry's moves while facing him, with more head movement,_ "We saw the writing on the wall_

_As we felt this magical_

_Fantasy…"_

Embry, holding out his hands toward his partner, _"Now with passion in our eyes_

_There's no way we could disguise it_

_Secretly…"_

Quil nodded, grasping toward him, _"So we take each other's hand_

_Cause we seem to understand_

_The urgency…"_

Embry takes Quils' hand, _"Just remember…_

"_You're the one thing_

_I can't get enough of…"_

Quil is still shaking his booty, _"So I'll tell you something_

_This could be love because…"_

They sang together, while holding hands and swinging in a circle, gazing into one another's eyes:

"_I've had the time of my life_

_No I never felt this way before_

_Yes I swear, it's the truth_

_And I owe it all to you…_

_Hey, baby…"_

"Okay," I cut in, "Okay, that's it. I can't take any more of this ridiculous dance number. I knew they'd bring up a baby at some time," I said to Alice, as they continued singing in the background with a full orchestra, "Can we maybe go for a walk and look around this place?"

"That'd be fun."

They kept singing and I could hear Quil ending on a high falsetto.

"_And I owe it all to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…"_

We turned a corner and found a factory with tons of pipes everywhere. It was almost hard to find a place to walk, as pipes snaked along the floor and walls, and ceiling. It was also bustling with odd looking birds that were a mix of emu and duck, walking back and forth between the pipes, working with wrenches and hammers, banging things that didn't seem to need fixing. And then at the end was the yellow submarine. It was exactly like the album cover that I had when I was a kid.

"You want to go to the submarine?" I asked Alice, hoping she'd say yes.

"Sure – looks fun."

"We all live in a yellow submarine," one of the EmuDucks told me.

"Yes," another one said, "We all live in a yellow submarine."

"A yellow submarine," another one said.

"A yellow submarine?" Alice asked and they all said "YES."

Soon all of them were repeating, "We all live in a yellow submarine – a yellow submarine – a yellow submarine – a yellow submarine – a yellow submarine."

Instantly my hands were over my ears. They wouldn't shut up repeating those three words over and over again.

Alice grabbed my hand, "Quick, into the yellow submarine."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I woke up suddenly lying on a bed. Alice was sitting in a chair beside me. It was my bedroom at the Cullen's house.

"Am I out of the coma?" I asked Alice.

She shook her head. "No – not yet. You're somewhere you feel comfortable. I had to wait for you to have that breakdown before you woke up."

"Did we go to the yellow submarine?"

"No. We just ended up here. Your mind directs and I just follow along."

"I thought you were the spirit guide."

"No, I'm just here to make sure you don't get hurt and have a friend for when you're in the coma."

"Thanks… Alice." She made me start to cry.

"Sure – that's what friends are for."

"Please tell me you aren't going to start singing a Dionne Warwick song."

"I don't think I am."

"Good."

Alice took my hand and sat beside me as I lay on the bed under covers in the one place I finally felt safe and secure in my life – at the Cullen's house with my best friend, Alice. We'd wait until I woke up.

**A/N** Thank you for reading and I love REVIEWS man, like… I love them, dude. ; )

(Checks off more pot smoking Q's from the list)


	21. 3 Hour Comas are Better than Being Dead

**A/N** Whoa, I needed something silly to get me over this angsty story I'm writing. So, here is my next chappy. I hope no one minds my borrowing these actresses. I do respect them as thespians, and so I mean no ill intent. I just thought it might be fun since I've seen them on the cover of so many tabloids since the MTV Awards and the soon-to-be-released _New Moon_. Yeah… _squeal_… I'm kind of excited about that movie coming out too. :D

A Few Bumper Stickers for your Viewing Pleasure before the Movie comes out:

_Wolves Rule!_

_Lautner kicks the Patz ass!_

_Go Green – Crazy Wolf Love Now!_

_Eight Packs beat Six Packs!_

_Wolves Might Drool, but Vampire's Suck! LOL  
_

DISCLAIMER I'VE NEVER PLACED ON A FANFIC UNTIL NOW: I pretty much never write anything near what SM wrote - so no worries.

**Chapter Twenty-One – Three Hour Comas are Better than Being Dead**

I sat in the hospital bed eating a green gelatin square. Alice was in the chair eating a red gelatin square.

"That had to be the shortest coma ever," Alice told me.

"I think so." I felt a large slice of slithery green gelatin go down my throat. It felt good. When you're in a coma they stick this tube down your throat and it makes it kind of sore.

"Only three hours and they said it was a record. Dr. Carlisle is even making a plaque," I said.

"I wish I had a plaque."

"Maybe you'll get one, one day. A plaque to say you are the girl who speaks to wolves."

Alice clapped her hands together, "Oh yes! I'd like one of those plaques," and a piece of her gelatin flew over by the door. We both looked over at the lone piece of gelatin.

"I'm sure the janitor will get that," I remarked.

Alice chirped, "I hope I get a plaque that looks like you as a wolf." She looked over at the gelatin on the floor. "It looks like someone had a leak."

I looked over at the red gelatin on the floor, looking like a clump of something… something really gross.

"…_So_," I cleared my throat, "anything scintillating happen," coughing loudly, "today?"

"I was in your dream-like state and then here eating gelatin. I love gelatin."

**(A/N This scene is getting boring - enough with the gelatin!)**

Two women suddenly appeared at the door of my hospital room. They were tall, young and beautiful, and held around one another's waist. It was my old lesbian foster parents, Greene and Stewart. Hmm, I thought they were dead.

Alice's eyes grew wide when she saw them. Eh, she was such a sweet little lesbian.

The tallest, Greene, had dark brown, wavy hair, flowing perfectly down her back and large hazel eyes. The other was a few inches shorter, with medium brown hair and green eyes - I called her "Stew" and her body was contorting like she was epileptic, but I remembered that was pretty much the way she always was. I never told anyone, but she would sneak crack, telling me not to tell a soul, and then buy me my pot to keep me mum about her crack addiction. Hey, it worked for me, since it fed my pot addiction.

Alice perked up, quickly tossing the gelatin square into the trash, sitting erect in her chair, anticipating an introduction.

"Hi," ex-foster mom Stew said, stepping in and slipping on the random piece of gelatin and then sliding across the room and into Alice's lap. Her face landed right between Alice's little knees.

Alice let out a squeal of pleasure, and then grabbed her head holding it in place. Stew, after a minor clumsy-looking struggle, broke free unsuspecting – high again – and started to shiver at the suddenness of flying across the room like a newborn colt.

"Oh-oh-oh-oh, I-I-I-I'm _soooo_, so-so-so-so-so sorry," ex-foster mom Stew said, on her knees and gazing up at Alice, while holding onto her thighs and between her legs. Alice was in lesbian heaven. She smiled so widely her lips were stretched tightly to the corners looking like she had another set of dimples.

"It's okay. But…" Alice pouted, "I could use a hug."

"Oh… s-s-s-sure." Ex-foster mom Stew always stuttered and stammered, and was generally a klutz. She used to consistently drop the bucket of popcorn when we had movie night. It would just fly out of her hand, like a movie prop or something.

**(A/N Anybody know this reference? Anybody? ^^) **

Ex-foster mom Greene, the hotter of the two, walked over to my bedside, "Hi sweetheart, that new fosty of yours, Esmeralda…"

"It's just Esme," I corrected.

She always added words or made up new ones. It was how she conveyed she was cooler than other foster moms. She really wasn't – she was just hotter.

"Yeah," She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and then sat on my bed. "The Esme told us you were here."

"Is that like 'The Donald'?"

"I don't know babe – I'm not current."

My face scrunched up as I tried to make sense of this scene. "Aren't… you two dead? I was pretty sure you both died in that fire. I'm not hallucinating you, am I?"

"Minor lapse in judgment," ex-foster mom Greene said.

"Whose judgment?"

Greene stared out to no one in particular. "Oh, nothing big it's just sometimes _without thinking_," She emphasized, sounding upset, "people are killed off, and then the ones who killed them off realize they could be much more fun later on in a story arc and so they have to be brought back to life. They do it all the time in soap operas."

"This isn't a soap opera."

"Yeah," she threw out a quick, sarcastic laugh, "and Stew is an actress who doesn't play the same person in every movie."

I'd leave that open to interpretation.

"So, you didn't die in the fire – that's really good news. I actually enjoyed living with you two." I quickly gave a thumbs up to Stew my old pot supplier, who for some reason had Alice on her lap now and was brushing her hair.

I told her, "She's under age."

"She's soooooooooooo adorable." Ex-foster mom, Stew, gushed and kept bouncing Alice on her knee, hugging her tightly, and then bouncing her like she needed a hit bad. "I want to take her home. Can we take her home? Can we Greene? Can we? Huh…? Huh? Can we…? Huh? Can we? Can we?"

"Oh shut the fuck up Stew! Chillax and go outside and take a hit." Greene smiled to me, nervously brushing another strand of loose hair behind the other ear. "It was a long drive. You know how she gets…."

I watched Alice skip out of the room with Stewart, hand in hand, while my ex-foster mom spoke to her in a baby voice.

I asked Greene, "So why are you both here and coming back from the dead and all?" I appreciated how she was more maternal, being the dominant in the relationship.

"We realized we missed you."

"That's… a really lame reason."

"Okay, actually we heard that you're being welcomed back into the Q-tribe and there's going to be a free concert with some of our favorite bands," she whispered, "_I know it's a surprise so I won't say_," and then she went to talking in her normal voice, "So we're just here for that."

"Thanks for finally being honest."

"Sure. You think Alice is alright out there?"

"I…" I leaned my head to the side, trying to catch a glimpse of my ex-foster mom, Stewart with Alice. "I think I'd worry more about Stewie than Alice."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The next day I was released from the hospital. The Cullen home was amazingly fully repaired, so that the Stewart-Greene couple could stay over. (I know, what a surprising turn of events.)

Edward eyed them both closely. He made Stewart shake more than usual, like her spidey crack sense was tingling. Edward watched her so closely, it was like he was about to mount her and ride her into the sunset.

She did have an uncanny resemblance to… my _nemesis_… Bella Swan. It probably threw off his crazy-psycho-o-meter or something. He started yelling again.

"WELCOME." And then he shook Stew's hand up and down wildly.

That was his greeting, so that Stew shook even more.

Each time he spoke to her he yelled in her ear, "DINNER AT SIX!"

You know stuff like that, and then she would shake like a vibrating bed in a cheap motel off a major highway in Arizona.

My mom, Sue Clearwater told me to stay at her house. I was kind of bummed I couldn't stay with the Cullen's, but Alice threw me my suitcase, told me "later" and "I'll miss you, buh-bye" when she found out Stewie was going to use my old bed. I just hoped she didn't supply Alice with weed. I'd hate for her to get hooked on the stuff, since she'd had a little when she visited me in the coma.

Greene was going to room with Rose, which made Emmett grin wider than usual, and I was sure I heard him whisper, "_threesome_."

Maybe it was better I was staying with my mom, Sue Clearwater. I'm not sure I could handle all the sexual hijinks and innuendo.

**(A/N But I could – and I know you all could. XD)**

The night was especially dark and I went for a walk because that no good Sheriff, Charlie Swan, came to visit and make out with my mom, Sue Clearwater, and he brought his dim daughter, Bella Swan… my _nemesis_… with him to watch a movie with me. I snuck out once the lights were lowered, and while the theme from _Ghostbusters_ was playing, "…_I ain't fraid of no ghosts_."

I called Jacob and he met me and then we went for a walk together. I told him about my Yellow Submarine dream and meeting my dad who looked like Tommy Chong. I told him Embry and Quil danced to "Time of My Life," and he said it was one of his fave songs. That made me question why I liked him once again, but then he kissed me and we made out for about fifteen minutes. All my doubts left me immediately.

We then saw something odd. It was someone cloaked, like they escaped from Hogwarts, and they were slinking around the trees, headed toward the Cullen's.

Jacob bristled, "I think it's one of those poor potty habit Cullens trying to mark up our trees during our truce."

"No it couldn't be," I said, as we tip-toed closely to investigate.

The cloaked figure was still moving, stopping to hug a tree as if on a secret mission, and then move to the next tree. We continued to sneak up behind the figure.

Jacob and I were finally close enough for Jacob to grab the cloak and pull it off.

"AHA!" We both said.

Again in unison we said, "Bella?"

"Ssh," she told us, lifting a finger to her lips, "Did you see?"

We both shook our heads. I asked, "See what?"

"Edward," she pouted sadly, and then started crying, "I think he's been seeing someone else behind my back."

I snickered quietly under my breath.

"That's not possible," Jacob told her, his large biceps looking really hot as he crossed his arms. "Edward has never seen or been with anyone other than you since he's been here. You're like a disease – an STD or something – something he can't shake. He never looks at other girls, unless he needs to glower. Women don't really do it for him – of course, the Q-dudes and I figure he's possibly gay – but then he has a nympho like you…"

"Thanks," Bella gushed.

"So, we figure he's not too gay – only partly gay."

I threw in as a joke, "Maybe he thinks she's a guy."

Jacob held his hand under his chin, actually considering that possibility.

"I'm not a guy," Bella said like she was honestly defending the possibility.

They both weren't very sharp tacks.

"Look," I told Bella, "Edward isn't seen anyone else. My ex-foster moms are staying with the Cullen's and one of them has an uncanny resemblance to you. They're very young and hot and you have nothing to worry about. They're lesbians."

"They act?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"No – lesbians, not thespians."

"What's a thespian?"

"It's an actor."

"They act?"

"No, they're lesbians."

"They act?"

"No lesbian – not thespian."

"What's a thespian?"

"An actor."

"They act?"

"No…." I stopped having no idea what I just said. I was completely lost again in my train of thoughts.

Jacob looked to me, "So they act? You had thespian foster moms?"

I watched the two of them intently trying to concentrate on my words and finally just said, "Yeah, they act."

"Neat," Jacob smiled with his sparkly teeth that sparkled under the moon light. Oh, how I loved that dense, hot dude.

Bella suddenly got excited, "Oh wow, maybe they'll let me be in one of their movies."

"They're just here for the free concert," I said.

"There's a free concert movie?"

"No, there's a free concert for my welcome back to the Q-tribe party."

"And they're going to act in that?" Bella asked.

"No, they're just here for the FREE CONCERT – DAMMIT!"

_Oh fuck, I was turning into Edward._

"The concert's free?" Bella asked, still clueless.

"Yes, it's free, and my ex-foster mom's are here for that."

"Oh, the lesbians?"

"No…" I suddenly stopped. Oh my fuckin' goodness, she finally had it right. I needed to stop while I was ahead. "So Bella, want us to walk you to the Cullen's so that you can see Edward and meet my ex-foster moms?"

"Sure. I'd love to meet acting lesbians."

"Me too," Jacob added.

_Grrrr…._ I felt like passing out and spending some more time in a coma. It's too bad I was totally cognizant now. The Canadian border was looking a whole lot closer.

**A/N** Okay, so there you have it. I know it wasn't as funny. I'm sorry. I'm trying to calm down as we near the end of this fanfic. Thank you for reading and I look forward to the remarks in the reviews. I mean… I really look forward to those REVIEWS and even have a small interactive question for the fandom:

Are you more of a R. Patz or T. Lautner fan? Or, both? Or, other (Rathbone or Lutz?)?

Do you think R. Patz needs either a brush, or hair cut? Seriously… don't you think he does? Seriously? Huh? Seriously…?

Who do you think would be a better boyfriend – T. Lautner or R. Patz? Or, would you prefer to choose from A. Greene, or K. Stewart? ;D

Okay, thank you so much for reading, and check out the _Superhero Saga_, _Stage One_ and _Stage Two_. **X5-452 **and I are having fun writing it. ;) It's actually a T-rated story.


	22. Mtg the Thespians and SocioWard Loosed

**Happy 4****th**** of July my fellow Americanos!**

**A/N "**_Leah's Last Stop_," was nominated for Best Use of Comedy, and Best Characterization non ExB (WIP) in the Twific Indie Awards. Wow. Thank you to those who nominated this story. : ) Voting starts July 8th, and I hope you guys please go vote for this fic if you like it. I'd appreciate it.

Okay, Stewart and Greene are still at the Cullen's and Leah is seeing the world more clearly – but, it's still all out of whack, because let's face it – the Cullen's are fuckin' crazy in this story. :D

This chapter is an **INTERACTIVE** chapter – yes, **INTERACTIVE** – like 3-D version.

So, it will not entertain as well if you do not take my music-enhancing suggestion at the middle of this chapter. So please, I will have a link to "Come Fly with Me" by Frank Sinatra on my profile page. Be sure to be ready and play the song at the right moment.

It really will enhance your reading experience. ; ) Thank you.

**Chapter Twenty-Two – Meeting the Thespians & SocioWard on the Loose**

Edward opened the door after I knocked. He stared querulously at Bella… my _nemesis_, and then me, and then Jacob, and then back to Bella. His eyes continued looking between us, but always skirting back to Bella looking confused.

"Edward," she cried. "Is it true?"

"What… my love?"

"Are there… thespians in the house that used to be Leah Clearwater's foster moms?"

His eyes darted my direction when my name was mentioned. And then… he ran from us - to the back door - and then opened and ran outside.

Jacob and I did a quick double take and then entered the house. Bella stood until I yanked her inside behind us and closed the door.

She started crying again, "he hates me."

"No… I think he thought you said something else."

Bella wouldn't stop crying and Jacob stepped forward and held her in his arms trying to comfort her. I was suddenly very jealous.

"What are you doing?" I shrieked at Jacob.

"She's… so sad and crying and she's with that crazy Cullen, Edward. It makes me feel sorry for her."

Bella turned her head as it rested deep into Jacob's chest, peeking out, and then grinned and stuck out her tongue, and then pulled down her right eye with her right index finger – giving me the 'stink eye,' and then she spit out a razzberry, and then she crossed her eyes and flipped me the bird, and if that wasn't enough she started making inappropriate taco shapes with her tongue.

What the HELL?! Why that little… bitch!

"Oh hey," Alice came running down the stairs, holding to Stewart's hand, interrupting the full extent of my rage; which was going to result in something really violent and horrible, and looking like I was going to go all Uma Thurman in _Kill Bill 2_ (which was bloodier than the first one).

Stew slid down the final two steps, and Alice helped her up.

"Oh-oh-oh… w-w-w-wow." Stew jittered some more and then squeezed around Alice, "thank you soooo much for saving me."

"You just tripped on a couple of steps," I said incredulously, having enough of the double-dim twins.

Stewart stood, never letting go of Alice's hand. I looked over and Bella was still tucked into Jacob's chest. What the hell was going on? What was it about this girl that was so attractive to everyone?

Edward walked back into the house. When he saw Bella in Jacob's arms he seethed, rather than glowered, but then looked over and saw Stewart standing with Alice.

His gaze traveled between Bella and Stew, Bella and then Stew, Bella and then back to Stew. He gripped the sides of his head in his hands, shaking it back and forth, back and forth, and then yanking it up and down, up and down, and then he fell to his knees, still gripping his hair, and then started screaming. "BEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Man, he's losing it," Alice said sweetly, causing Stew to lift her into her arms again.

"Ahhhh, you are so cute."

Alice grinned, with a little head bob to the side, "…I know, I'm everyone's favorite in the series."

"What series?" Stew asked blankly, but with minor tremors and eye blinks like the thought of this series was giving her a convulsion (whatever series this is?).

_Oh fuckin brother!_

"Okay, that's enough!" I stood in the middle of the floor, all the players – nuts – surrounding me. "Obviously there is a striking resemblance between my ex-foster mom, Stewart and my… _nemesis_… Bella Swan. However," I gripped Bella's shirt, ripping her loose from MY boyfriend's chest, lifting her slightly off the ground, and making her flail her arms around wildly, until finally throwing her into Edward. "This ONE is your girlfriend. I suggest keeping her _close_," I growled.

I stood my hands out, feeling very flustered and pissed, and then holding my fingers together, like some Mafia don. "_Capiche_?" I said to the two Bella-look-alikes and Edward.

"Cah – what?" Bella asked affronted, "did you call me a cabbage?"

"No, it's a word that means - do you understand?"

"Do I understand what?"

"I don't understand," Stew said, her eyes fluttering all around the sockets, looking out of it. She was nearing desperation for a hit.

"Hey," I yelled at my ex-foster mom, Stewart, "I don't do three-way banter."

"What's with the band reference?" Bella asked.

"There's no band reference," I said.

"I want to know about the cabbages," Stewart remarked.

"We're not talking about cabbage," I told her, "Capiche?"

"So now you want to place a French accent on the cabbage?" Jacob asked me. "Or are we talking about bands?"

"I DON'T LIKE FANS!"

"No bands – and no fans," I told Edward. Sheesh, now he wanted to get into the act. "Are you all just really freakin stupid?"

"Who?" Bella asked.

"All," I waved my hand around them all pointing out who I was speaking of, "all of you – the ones who are incredibly stupid in this room."

"I think you should be nicer to your ex-foster mom, Stewie," Alice told me, sounding upset. "She was a mom to you."

"She was my supplier!"

"Well she's mine now."

My mouth fell open. "Alice? Alice you're not supposed to do drugs."

"Oh," she laughed, "you meant drugs?" She giggled again, "never mind – I thought you meant something else." She then winked to Stew who winked back, taking her hand in hers once again.

_Oh fuck…._

Edward suddenly screamed, "STOP CONFUSING ME!"

His gaze kept going between my… _nemesis_… Bella, and Stewart – back and forth – back and forth – back and forth, and then he grabbed his hair on the sides of his head again.

I told Edward, "They are two different people and not a socio-illusion because you're relapsing."

"Edward's not relaxing," Bella told me, affronted.

I'd let that malapropism go. "Then why does Edward keep screaming?"

"It clears my sinuses in the spring months." He inhaled loudly, snot fluttering in his nostrils the way it sounds (you know what I mean). As the snot gurgled around the inside of each nostril, I was kind of grossed out.

**[A/N As I am sure all of you are, so I'll stop.]**

He kept snorting and suddenly Stew got all antsy and crawling around. I mean, literally on her knees crawling around, sniffing. "Oh fuck, I need… I need… something."

"A hug?" Alice asked.

"NO," Stew snapped.

Alice pouted.

Stew got up shaking so much it looked like she was standing in a freezer. "I need my stuff, man. Man… Man… Man… Man… uh-uh-uh-uh…."

Emmett came bounding down the stairs with Rose on one arm and Greene on the other with the largest grin I'd ever seen on his face, his beady brown eyes smiling in mirth and looking sated. "Hello ladies and gentleman," he announced. "Isn't it a lovely day?"

The three were beaming.

While he was making the pronouncement of morning afterglow, Stew was still shaking and stuttering like a broken typewriter in a 1940s comedy.

**[A/N I suggest **_**His Girl Friday**_** with Rosalind Russell and Cary Grant – it's a hoot.]**

I couldn't take it and said quickly, "Rose! Stewart wants to take your place in the threesome."

"What?!" Rose growled.

In an instant Stewart was out cold, on the floor at Alice's feet.

Wow, that was quick thinking. She was giving me a headache with all the movement and strange incoherent sounds.

"Stewie?" Alice lowered to the ground, kneeling beside Stew, making sure she was okay – well, mostly feeling her up – but yeah… she was also making sure her body was still functioning?

[CENSORED MATERIAL]

As everyone stood around, mouths agape at Alice's helpfulness – yeah, that works – we began talking randomly about weather and decorating ideas, traveling to Bombay or Peru, maybe take a jet to Acapulco Bay in the spring.

**[A/N Please listen to "**_**Come Fly with Me**_**" sung by ole blue eyes, himself, Frank Sinatra, as we take a moment to pause and consider many things about life.]**

_{__The lyrics so that you can sing along and pass the time:_

_Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away_

_If you can use some exotic booze_

_There's a bar in far Bombay_

_Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away_

_Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru_

_In llama land there's a one-man band_

_And he'll toot his flute for you_

_Come fly with me, let's take off in the blue_

_Once I get you up there where the air is rarified_

_We'll just glide starry-eyed_

_Once I get you up there I'll be holding you so near_

_You may hear angels cheer 'cause we're together_

_Weather-wise it's such a lovely day_

_You just say the words and we'll beat the birds_

_Down to Acalpulco Bay_

_It's perfect for a flying honeymoon, they say_

_Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away_

_[instrumental]_

_Once I get you up there where the air is rarified_

_We'll just glide starry-eyed_

_Once I get you up there I'll be holding you so near_

_You may hear angels cheer 'cause we're together_

_Weather-wise it's such a lovely day_

_You just say the words and we'll beat the birds_

_Down to Acalpulco Bay_

_It's perfect for a flying honeymoon, they say_

_Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away_

_Pack up, let's fly away}_

**[A/N 3:18 minutes should pass… and much smiles and head bobbing. There's nothing like the standards, eh? Wow, you read those lyrics and think – what was he on? …Maybe some of that exotic booze. ;) Anyhoo, you done listening? Good, on with the story.]**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

In the evening Stewart was much calmer as she was able to get a much needed hit, thanks to Greene helping her up the stairs with Alice. The three of them took awhile. We all had dinner together and then the others went off to do things I really didn't want to know about.

I sat back on a swing on the porch at the Cullen's looking out at the stars, with this strange old 50s song playing in my head, "_Come Fly with Me_." I don't know how it got in there, but it was there. I actually preferred "_Fly Me to the Moon_;" which was also the theme song in _Neon Genesis_ _Evangelion_, a strange little anime that had Mechas and Angels and Rei Ayanami with blue hair. I hated the guy, Shinji, in that because he was a wuss and then they killed off Misato who knew how to drink like nobody's business. Why do they always kill off the cool drunken chicks that use firearms?

Anyway, I sat back on the porch, thinking up such random thoughts. I know everything that happened and was happening now was real. Life around me, for the first time, wasn't imagined because of a head injury.

I looked out to the north and the direction to Canada. Jacob, for some reason, told Bella… my _nemesis_, he would walk her back to my mom, Sue Clearwater's, house, and to her dad, the sheriff, Charlie Swan. I didn't want to walk back and do more three-way banter and listen to more malapropisms. That gets tiring after awhile.

Edward walked up and sat down on the swing beside me.

"Hello… _Q_," he said.

I wondered why he always said this with a seething British accent.

"Hey dufus," I answered.

He crossed his arms. "I think you've been hit one too many times on the head – my name is Edward, not Dufus."

"I think you're an idiot."

He didn't have a come back.

Suddenly he lunged at me, lips first.

"I think you're hot," he whispered, speaking while smothering my lips with his own.

His kiss was so… _wow_. I'd never kissed a sociopath before. I didn't know if I should run or just keep letting him make out with me. I decided to take advantage and kissed him back; especially since I knew Jacob was kissing Bella and making out with her – because she was a nympho and my wolfy sense was enlightening me.

His hands were in my hair as he kissed me over and over again. "I'm going to have to kill you after this."

"Whoa," I pulled away, "That killed the mood."

"I'm sorry, Leah Clearwater… but you have to die. I can't have you so hot and turning me on. I'm a sociopath after all. And you've made me obsessed with you."

"Um… you can't blame me for turning you on. Turn it off then!"

"I can't," he fell back on the swing pulling at his hair. "Ever since you came into my life and walked into our Cullen household with that lame hat."

"Hey, I like my hat."

"Whatever – you looked like a Who in Whoville with those tassels."

"Well fuck you and your lack of hat awareness."

"Ah," he grinned dreamily at me, "and that's why I have to kill you. You are in my dreams, and in my thoughts. I'm with Bella and yet I see you. You're the only one who has ever noticed my sociopathy and noticed me, calling me such cute names."

"Like _idiot_?" I felt my brow scrunching in the middle, regarding this randomly stupid scene with Edward.

"Yes, I love when you speak to me so angry and pissed all the time. You don't know what that does to a sociopath. You've made me," his eyes were so intense, "you're driving me insane and as long as you're alive I can't control myself. Someone's going to have to die. I hate you – and that makes me obsess over you, and then I want to kiss you – but then, kill you." He laughed, kicking his head back, "you don't know what it's like being a sociopath with conundrums."

His lips lunged at me again, and this time I jumped off the swing. "Whoa – no way! I don't kiss guys who want to kill me."

"Why?"

"Just… one of those rules, like never sitting on the comforters in hotels, since you don't know what people have done on them."

Edward rose in an instant from the swing. "Leah Clearwater… eventually I will kill you when you least expect it."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a sociopath, and they always kill when people least expect it – they also walk really slowly – BUT NOT ME – I'm going to walk really fast."

"No… that's not what I meant – why would you kill _me_?" I licked my lips, thinking over how good he tasted and how perfectly he kissed. "Couldn't we just make out, instead of killing people?"

"Don't you ever watch movies? Didn't you see _Scream 2_? Once the killer gets it in their mind you can't stop them and tell them it's not a good idea. Because frankly, to me it's a really good idea, and I'm going to have to kill a few people close to you and leave them in random spots for you to find – maybe hanging on a bathroom door, or somewhere they can fall down and surprise you. That's how it's done. I've studied it extensively."

"_Scream 2_ is studying sociopathic behavior? I think it was about psychopaths, so you might want to stop and think this over a bit more. Look, you are a recovering sociopath – why step back? You've been doing so well – and kissing… kissing _really_ _fuckin'_ good. I mean – making out is a really good idea." I smiled as seductively as possible.

He held his hand under his chin. "Hmm… you've given me something to think about."

He turned and in an instant ran off into the woods, swerving in and out like he was being shot at, and singing, "_Come fly with me… let's fly, let's fly away_" while flapping his arms. And then he was gone.

What a weirdo.

I was pretty sure I wasn't dreaming that, and again Canada or a coma seemed like a positive.

Oh no, I needed to call Jacob… and warn him – a sociopath was on the loose. But then again…, Bella was with him. Aw, conundrums….

**A/N** Whoa, that totally changed directions. I wonder how many bodies will pile up before Edward is done with his killing spree. That is, if he even begins a killing spree – he's quite inept.

I have to ask, did you all listen to the song choice? Didn't it enhance the scene for you? ;)

Okay, so thanks for reading once again, and I look forward to the Reviews. : )


	23. Edward's Missing!

**A/N **This will have much inner dialogue and narrative. Pop quiz at the end! ;D

DISCLAIMER: The following will most assuredly assail all SM's intentions for her characters and push the boundary of political correctness. Enjoy. : )

**Chapter Twenty-Three – Edward's Missing?!**

Nobody had seen or heard from Edward for a week. He ran into the woods and that was the last anyone had seen of him. I recalled how his kissing was slightly better than Jacob and wondered if it would be bad etiquette to have an affair with a sociopath who wanted to kill you. I figured a few random trysts couldn't hurt, as long as we stayed in a public place or where there was good lighting.

Esme was torn up, as was Carlisle about Edward disappearing. She was almost inconsolable. Emmett was still busy with Rose and Greene, so he didn't notice. Jasper hovered about like a ghostly apparition, but now he would go off in to the woods alone and I began to wonder if he knew where Edward was. It seemed Alice spending so much time with Stewart might have been getting to him, but I was never sure seeing as how he never spoke or changed expressions.

The concert was taking place in another week, and the musical acts were beginning to come into town. Billy Black lined up most of the acts and seemed to know a lot of the old classic rock musicians, saying they went way back, and then he'd let go a stoner giggle and say, "good times man… good times." Pot ran deep in the Q's.

Stew was driving Alice crazy since they never really did anything physical. Alice was under age, after all. It wasn't like Stew had imprinted on her or something weird like that. But mostly she was driving Alice crazy with her drug habit; it wasn't like Stew was a rock star, or Joan Jett or something, and the drug abuse was driving Alice to randomly scream out names of classical composers.

When she screamed, "CHOPIN followed by SHOSTAKOVITCH, STRAUAUAUAUAUASSSS!" I knew it was time to give her a little help.

Alice showed up at my mom, Sue Clearwater's, door a week ago, right after Edward ran off into the woods. She wanted me to help her break Stew of her crack habit. And she followed up by yelling, "ALBINONI!" I knew yelling obscure Italians meant she was serious. Also, I wished she would have never taken that extra credit History of Music course.

I didn't know a thing about helping someone break a habit, but I had nothing better to do and it was a way to get out of my pissy mood because of Jacob.

Jacob was seeing…my _nemesis_…Bella behind my back. I figured… he could have her. She told him she missed Edward and Jacob needed to comfort her. I played along like I didn't know he was seeing her, doing things with her, doing weird shit that I sure as hell wouldn't do: spinning on his face, blow jobs and tongue tricks, and then odd things I was pretty sure I didn't want to know – things that belonged with an NC-17 rating – but, I was more of a T that pushes the M girl at heart. He was just so hot and easy to kiss so I was very cautious. I mean, you never know what STD's crept along Bella the nymphomaniac's girly stuff.

Anyway, enough of that, I lived at my mom, Sue Clearwater's with she and my brother.

Seth and I got along surprisingly well. He liked it when I threw the ball out into the yard and he could run and fetch it. He was really good at fetching things.

I told him to live outside for a few weeks – we needed his bedroom to help Stew break her crack habit. My mom didn't notice because she and the sheriff, Charlie Swan, had gotten hot and heavy. It seemed everyone was getting the goods except for me.

Seth said, "Sure," at us using his bedroom because he secretly crushed on Alice, and knew if she was here with Stew he'd get to watch. Because at heart, most of the people, I learned, were stalkers in Forks, Washington. I couldn't leave this town fast enough, but I had to wait until I turned 18.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Stew was in Seth's bedroom shaking and it was giving me a headache. She just kept repeating, "I-I-I… need my stu-stu-stufffffff… man." I considered tying her up and leaving her – that would break her habit, but even I couldn't be that mean.

I Googled on the internet ways to break a drug habit and nothing was applicable. Every site proclaimed it was important to seek professional medical help and getting prescribed drugs; basically, needing a professional to help.

Fuck that – how hard could it be? I decided to wing it. I didn't have any of these doctor-prescribed drugs and so I opted for pot. I mean, it was a milder drug, right? There was plenty of it lying around too.

**[A/N: I do not condone using Leah's method **_**whatsoever**_**. Please, seek professional help if you do have a drug addiction – because I sure as hell don't want to be responsible for your death cause you stupidly followed a crackfic's directions on breaking a crack habit. Ooo, do you sense irony?]**

First off, I found every ounce of crack and threw it away. Then, I made lots of brownies - lots of brownies. And then I fed them to her. Alice enjoyed the brownies too, but she wasn't allowed very many since I didn't want her to get hooked. My mom and Seth also liked the brownies. Even Sheriff Charlie Swan enjoyed my special brownies. _Hee_. Jacob wanted the brownies and I only allowed him one – none for Bella… my _nemesis_.

The pot seemed to help, but in a week Stewart had added about 20 pounds from all the brownies. The concert was in a week and Greene was going to see her girlfriend totally chunked out. So, I realized I needed to get her exercising, which was also a good way to break a habit.

For a week Stewart, Alice, Seth and I went jogging. It was during this time we thought we saw something in the forest. It was a man running with shoulder length tresses, facial hair, and a cape.

"Should we follow him?" Stew asked. And then surprised, "Oh wow, did I turn straight from all the sugar?"

"It didn't affect me," Alice added, still ogling Stewart as she jogged in her short shorts.

"Oh wait, no," Stew said, "I thought I saw him sparkling – my bad." She was giggling again. At least she wasn't doing that strange body contortion thing. Now she just randomly snickered at stupid things – you know, like a good pot head.

"It's part of your remission or whatever," I said. "It makes you hallucinate sometimes. Men don't sparkle – that'd be gay."

"Yeah, a man sparkling in the forest – how lame?" Seth added, and then ran up beside Alice. "Hey, I like your running style."

She answered, "RACHMANINOFF!"

Oh shoot, she was yelling classical composers again. It made Seth cry. Russian composers usually made me cry also, but I didn't think Seth was well-versed in classical music. I was pretty sure the most symphonic he got was the Legend of Zelda theme.

We followed the hairy man to a cave and then saw Jasper at the back of the cave surrounded by candles, his shirt off which showed off a ghastly pale vision that made him look like he was glowing in the dark. Yanni, played in the background.

"OH…. MY…. FUCKIN…. WORD!!!"

We said in unison.

And I turned to Stew, "Yanni? Seriously… Fuckin' Yanni?"

"Oh…" Stew nearly stuttered, but then giggled, "The ghostly boy's name is Yanni?"

"No the music is Yanni."

"Who's yawning?" Seth asked. "They look super awake."

Jasper and the hairy man embraced in the low lighting and we all watched as they got all forbidden room like. Ew… not that I would ever judge two men doing the joy stick samba, but really… in a dirty cave? …I know I saw webs.

Jasper and the hairy man turned and I realized it was Edward.

Alice suddenly shouted, "Oh my Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart! Edward!"

The holy trinity of composers meant it was big.

Alice ran into the cave and then stopped suddenly and ran back out.

Her head was lowered.

"What's wrong?" Stew wrapped her arms around her.

"Nothing now," Alice luridly grinned, "but don't go in there… the smell is_ atrocious_."

Jasper and Edward looked out of the cave toward us, and then Jasper turned off the music. Edward walked out of the cave, throwing his cape nonchalantly off his shoulder like an impresario.

"_Q-girl_, what are you doing here? I told you I'd kill you."

"Just out jogging. Why'd you come here? I wasted a week looking over my shoulder."

"I was thinking about life and decisions, and those things which," he turned to Jasper, "Hit it!"

Music started up from the cave sound system: Sweeping violins. A piano. Horns. It was the theme for _Alfie_.

As Edward made it to the center of the cave entrance on a slight rise, he suddenly held out his hands opened his mouth, and in a gentle contralto he began to sing:

"_What's it all about… Leah?_

_Is it just… for the moment… we live?_

_What's it all about when you sort it out… Leah?_

_Are we meant to take more than we give…?_

_Or are we meant to be kind?"_

Jasper joined him, wearing a shirt now and sang in low and bold baritone, pumping his fist on the ends notes with bravado:

"_And if only fools are kind… __**Leah**_

_Then…I guess…it's wise to be __**cruel**_

_And if life __**belongs**__… to only the __**strong**__… __**Leah**_

_What will you end on an old golden __**ruuuuuuuuule**__?_

Stewart joined in, walking up to the two, standing at the other side of Edward, with a high alto:

"_As sure as I believe there's a_," she raised her hand to the sky, "_heaven… above… Leah._

_I know there's something much more,_

_Something even non-believer's can believe in…_."

And then Edward held to their shoulders and sang out:

"_I believe in love, Leah_

_Without true love_

_We just exist… Leah_

And then he looked to Jasper, smiling_, "Unless you find the love you've missed… you're nothing… Leah_

_When you walk let your heart… lead the way_

_And you'll find love… any day… Leah… __**LEEEEEEEEEE…AH**__…Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,"_

His voice quietly thinned in a falsetto with the last note. Finished, he pulled his cape back over his shoulders, bowing his head. The music in the background slowly faded.

Alice and Seth began clapping wildly.

"Bravo!" "Bravo!" They yelled. "Bravo!"

I stood there with my mouth wide open, having fallen open, and staying that way throughout, as I watched another fuckin' musical number.

**[A/N: Thank you to Hal David and Burt Bacharach for that beautiful song they wrote titled, **_**Alfie**_**. Lyric changed to Leah from Alfie, but you figured that out.]**

"…."

"…."

"…."

No words. I simply walked off the hill leaving the insane people. I really needed to find Canada. I walked back to my mom, Sue Clearwater's house and fortunately Sheriff Charlie Swan's car wasn't there. I so needed some quiet.

I walked in the door, walked to the couch, fell onto it, grabbed the remote and turned on the news.

A red-headed female anchorwoman was speaking while sitting beside a sandy-blonde haired, handsome young anchorman.

"Oh my," the anchorwoman said, "it seems the hotels and motels are filling up with acts for the big La Push Welcome Back to the Tribe Leah Clearwater Concert on Saturday. We don't really care who the hell that gal is, but we sure want to hear some awesome music. They're calling this the concert of the century for Washington State – almost like the west coast Woodstock."

She then commented with a straight face to the fellow anchorman. "I hear the Q's have the best pot."

"I'll definitely be covering," he grinned, "And now for weather."

I clicked off the TV. "…_fuck_."

"Oh hey hon," my mom walked into the living room, "I just made a fresh batch of meatballs. They're Seth and Jacob's favorite. I was thinking we'd have him over for dinner."

"Meatballs?" I asked.

"Yes."

I got up from the couch and walked to the door, ready to leave. When I opened some hippie dude was standing there. He was slightly shorter than me, but had a big toothy grin.

"AWWWW!" I screamed.

He said with a southern drawl, "Oh hey, didn't mean to startle you, Miss."

"Sorry," I told him, and then squinted, "you look kind of familiar."

He smiled again and had beautiful blue eyes and super long hair and a beard and mustache.

"I'm kind of lost. I was looking for the La Quinta…"

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

We both turned to my mom, who was screaming and running in circles.

"It's you," she pointed to the long-haired man, "OH MY GOSH – OH MY GOSH – IT'S YOU!"

He laughed, "Yep, it's me." To me in an aside he asked, "She on medication?"

My mom was pulling out her hair, going insane, jumping up and down, running in circles, and then she ran to the kitchen and I heard banging and things being thrown from the pantry.

I turned to the man at the door, "I'm sorry – everyone in this town is a little insane. I hope you don't mind."

"Oh no Miss, I'm used to crazy people. I was on _American Idol_. Have you seen the judges on that show?"

**[Ba-Dum]**

We both laughed.

"That's why you look familiar. Then you'll fit right in." I realized I hadn't introduced myself, "I'm Leah Clearwater."

"Oh the girl they're having the big shindig for." He smiled and shook my hand. He had such nice manners and a genteel southern drawl. He said, "I'm…"

"BO BICE!" my mom, Sue Clearwater screamed, as she ran from the kitchen wearing glittery pants with a photo of Bo Bice on the knee and a tight baby tee that said, "I'm a BO HO" and then she was wearing pins with Bo Bice's, _The_ _Real Thing_ and his, _See The Light_ album covers all over her shirt. She even had a Bo Bice belt buckle on.

"Come in," She grabbed the man by the arm, yanking him in the door. "Here you go," she handed him a Heineken, "your favorite. I read it at BonaFideBice dot com. It's the number one unofficial site where all we Bo Ho's hang out. I'm also a member of your official site, BoBice dot com, so don't worry. I also have your calendar and posters in my room and I have tons of shirts, but this was the most…_revealing_ - just for you Bo."

He looked to me, his lip curled up, a little dumbfounded.

I shrugged my shoulders. This was the first I'd known of my mom's secret life as a Bo Ho.

He sat on the couch and my mom instantly opened his beer. "Here you go… _Bo_," his name melted off her lips.

"Thank you, Ma'am."

"I just have to make a few phone calls – don't move. I have to tell the gals you're at my place."

She ran back to the kitchen.

He looked to me, "So do you know where the La Quinta is?"

"Not really."

He started to get up from the couch.

"Oh no," my mom, Sue Clearwater ran out from the kitchen, "**STAY**."

His eyes went wide when she said that last word like she was possessed by a demon.

"I mean, please, have a seat, _Bo_."

My mom, Sue Clearwater had definitely gone off the deep end of fandom. She sat across from him, "Okay, so how is the wife and kids? I see you don't have them with you."

"No, I'm traveling a –"

"Oh that's nice. I saw you in Sacramento and in Ohio, way back. I love the new album and I watched the _Blades of Glory_ video on YouTube hundreds of times. You look cuter and cuter in that blue suit each and every time. You just look so cute close-up though. Why stay at the La Quinta – we have room here. Leah has a lovely room."

"My room?"

"She's not using it."

"I'm not?" I shrieked.

My mom, Sue Clearwater asked me, "Weren't you supposed to be out with your friends?"

Bo Bice was mouthing to me, "_don't leave me alone_."

"No, mom," I took Mr. Bice's hand, "I'm going to take Bo Bice to the La Quinta Inn. I think it's near Canada."

"No wait – the girls are coming over. I'm making meatballs!"

"Whoa – wait a minute," Bo turned, a big grin slowly spreading across his affable face, "Meatballs?"

I pulled Bo Bice out the door. "Fuck the meatballs, Bo!"

We left my mom, Sue Clearwater's house and Bo Bice had a nice little rental car. It was a Toyota Camry.

"You want to hop in?" he asked me.

"Sure."

I climbed into his car and he got in and then drove.

"Sorry about my mom," I said, "I never knew she had a thing for you."

Bella suddenly sprinted in front of the car and Bo hit the brakes hard. Bella bounced off the front fender and flew up in the air, fell back down on the hood, and then rolled off and to the ground.

"Oh man –I'm not even stoned," he said.

"Pot smoker?" I asked.

"Of course - why do you think I'm here with the Q's?"

"_All right_," I high-fived him.

"Shouldn't we check on the girl?" He asked.

"Oh yeah, that's my… _nemesis_… Bella Swan. She's been through worse."

We both got out of the car and Bella was already up on her feet.

"OH WOW," she pointed at the man next to me. "OH MAN – IT'S YOU!"

"Yep, it's me."

"I never thought I'd meet the guitarist for Maroon Five," she squealed. "Can I have your autograph?"

"He's Bo Bice," I told her.

"I think he's so nice too," she said.

"No," I told her, "Bo… BICE."

"Stop talking weird. That's not the name of the guy who is the guitarist for Maroon Five."

"His name is James Valentine," Bo told her. "I'm Bo Bice."

"You are so nice," she giggled. "Can I have your autograph Mr. Valentine?"

He looked to me, his brow raised and circling his hand around the side of his head.

"I know," I commented, "it's always like this here. Why do you think we all smoke pot?"

He simply took out a pen and piece of paper and signed the name, "James Valentine," and then handed it back to her.

"Oh," she squealed again. "Thank you so much Mr. Valentine."

"Hey," he asked, "you okay after that hit by the car?"

"As long as it's not a fan I'm good."

"Fans drive me crazy too," he said.

"I know – they're all _spinney_, and they can sometimes hurt."

"Well I'm not sure I'd call them spinney, but I've been attacked by a few," Bo said, and I realized they were talking about two different types of fans.

"I know," she told him, "they always attack. I don't get it. Edward used to protect me from them, but he's moved on." She started to cry, "And… he… _left me_!"

She was sobbing over Edward. It made me feel badly so I told her, "I saw Edward."

"You did?" Her eyes lit up, "Where?"

"In a cave. He sang the Dionne Warwick song, _Alfie_, but replaced the title name with my name. He was wearing a cape and listening to Yanni and making out with Jasper doing the joystick samba in the cave."

Bo Bice's mouth was slowly falling open as I relayed the weirdness.

He rushed to the driver's side of his car, "Hey, I'm going to just go and try to find the La Quinta on my own. You two young ladies have a nice rest of your day. _Crazy bitches…_"

He jumped in the car, hit the gas, spinning the tires in reverse and then peeled out to the road, driving toward the highway.

"He was in such a hurry," Bella said. "I was kind of hoping he'd introduce me to Adam Levine."

I rubbed my head, "oy vay," and turned. In front of my house was at least 20 cars and a bunch of middle-aged women with T-shirts, every kind of Bo fandomized print imaginable on the fronts and backs. Damn – they were fast.

Alice, Seth, and Stew came walking up. Seth asked when he looked to our house, "Who are all those women?"

I said simply, "Fans – lotsa crazy fans."

Edward rushed out of the bushes with his cape in attack mode.

"I HATE FANS!"

"Oh," Bella cried tears of joy, "my Edward is back."

I stood there. "…ah _fuck_."

**A/N** I hope you enjoyed my more subtle approach. Not as cracky as the other posts, but hopefully more fulfilling. :D

Pop Quiz for your Reviewing enjoyment:

Which rock icon will K-Stew be portraying in a soon-to-be-released movie?

Bo Bice or Carrie Underwood? (I strongly suggest you say Bo Bice.) *eyebrow lift*

Am I being too obscure with my 60s and 70s references?

Jasper/Edward, Bella/Edward, or Leah/Edward? Jacob/Bella or Jacob/Leah? Alice/Jasper or Alice/Leah? Meatballs or brownies?

***Next time as the World Spinneys, a concert for the Forks masses!


	24. I Think Peter Frampton Saw Us Having Sex

**A/N** Surprisingly there is a lemon – comically and unrealistically overwritten - but, still a lemon. It will really happen this time. Leah will finally get some. I just want to warn you. There will be entry.

Thank you. (Don't worry only one or two chapters left.) This chapter will have some very poignant and loving scenes too. :D

**DISCLAIMER:** I didn't write Twilight - but I have lots of fun with the characters.

**Chapter Twenty-Four – I think Peter Frampton Saw Us Having Sex**

There was some wild snoring going on in my mom, Sue Clearwater, the newly revealed Bo Ho's, house. I got up from my bed and tripped over something flabby. I looked down and it was one of the Bo Ho's.

"Damn," I grumbled.

It was dark and I needed to get to the bathroom.

"Dammit." I tripped over another one. "Fuckin Ho's!" I mumbled as I continued toward the bathroom.

"Ouch."

"Ouch."

"Dammit."

"Dammit."

"Ouch."

Finally! I made it to the restroom and there was a woman asleep in the tub. I simply pulled the shower curtain across and then did my thing.

I decided I needed to leave the house that was crowded with Ho's. I brushed my teeth and threw on some jeans and a T-shirt, grabbed my jacket and my favorite hat with the tassels and then left. Fortunately, my jacket had a few doobs in the pocket.

I considered changing into a wolf and going for a run. Maybe I'd find Jacob and bite him. Outside I passed the pad Seth slept on and he was sound asleep, tightly tucked within himself like a pet dog. I wanted to pat him on the head, but thought better, and let him sleep.

I walked into the forest. Fortunately, I was wearing duck boots.

In the distance I saw something glowing. It was Jasper.

"Hey Dude," I called over to him.

"Hey Leah."

"What are you doing out here in the middle of the night alone?" I asked

"Edward went back to Bella."

"Sorry Dude."

Oh wow, I was talking like a Q now. The change had begun and for the final touch I pulled a doob from my pocket. "Want one?"

"Thank you." Jasper took it from my hand.

We both sat down against a tree and smoked. I quickly turned, telling him, "Do not pull out a guitar and start singing."

"I'm not feeling like singing today. Everything is gray. The sky is bleak, the sun and moon will not smile on me… for I am woeful, a man with no meaning. I miss my Edward, and his sparkly peening."

"_Nah-ah-ah_, no poetry either. Don't sing and don't recite poetry."

Wow, Jasper was like wet noodles, wet sponges, and wet dogs. He was a regular Eyore, or just soggy.

"I'm sure Edward will come back to you," I said, trying to encourage him – mostly trying to shut him up so I could smoke my joint in peace.

"It's just like Alice." Jasper said, "She left me too. She's into that shaking woman…"

"…Stew."

"Yes that one. And then Edward and I had something special, but then he relates so well to Bella on a more cosmic level. He's always talking over how he needs to protect her from the forces of evil fans, and that she's so delicate and drives with such panache. It's too bad her orange truck drowned in the lake. Edward liked that truck and liked to do things to Bella in that truck. She did things to him - wild, crazy, inappropriate nymphomaniac level things. The things you only see done on questionable sites that you visit on the internet and you pray to God your mother doesn't look over your search history."

"Whoa – okay TMI, dude."

We heard a bunch of vehicles in the distance and I stood up. "Hey do you hear that?" I asked.

"No man."

"I'm going to go check out what's going on." _And get away from your emo ass_.

"Cool dude."

I looked down at Jasper totally buzzed from the joint. His eyes were smallish and glossy and he had a large grin across his face.

"_Yeah_…, well you sit here and take it easy amigo." I slapped Jasper on the shoulder and then left. I left him to get further stoned while I investigated the sounds.

An hour later I was lost in the forest again. Man, I hated always getting lost in this forest with all the trees that looked alike and being stoned didn't help either.

Walking along I bumped into someone.

"Oh hey, sor…." It was a nude man. "Sor-ro-ro-rory." And _hummina-hummina_.

"JAKE?!"

Oh my fuckin goodness he was totally nude and standing in front of me with all his stuff hanging out and it looked especially beautiful and coppery and shimmery too under the light of the stars.

"Leah!" He scooped me up into his arms. "You've come back to me."

Whoa naked dude holding me - awesomely handsome with the body of an Adonis kind of naked dude holding me. _….Oh Yeah!_

"Hey," I smacked him, "you were getting the goods with Bella… my _nemesis_."

"Not any more – I want to get your goods now."

He kept squeezing me close and sniffing my neck and hair, his hands massaging my ass and lower back as he held me so close. I think he picked up a few things while with Bella.

This was real. I wasn't dreaming. I was totally losing it, and I wrapped my arms around his large shoulders and neck, as I dangled above the ground.

"Yeah okay… you're forgiven - I guess you can have my goods."

His hands started pumping my ass upward into his manliness, as he bit at my clavicle, his warm breath running along my neck and lower as he continued licking and biting me.

He was making my lower half totally start shuddering and tingling, and then I felt the cream spurt out as I was so turned on with his peen growing against my pussy and that thing that his hand did do to my ass. Oh I loved how he did do what he done did to my ass.

"Oh fuck… FUUUCCCCKKKK YES!" I screamy growled.

He rammed my back up against a tree and kept dry humping me, whispering in my ear, "I missed you and I wanted this."

He reached down into my jeans, cupped his hand hard, palming my entire opening, whisper-growling, "this baby – is all mine," and I screamed, "FA-YUCK- yah-yah-yah-yah- YUCK YES!"

He rammed me harder against the tree while rubbing my juiciness with his whole hand, back and forth, slippery and slimy, and gooey and yummy into his palm. My head was hitting the bark of the tree hard.

"Ouch."

Headboard.

"Ouch."

This is like a headboard.

"Dammit."

Cheese.

"Dammit."

Ricky don't lose that number.

"Ouch."

He yanked off my duck boots, ripped off my pants, and then ripped open my shirt, and then threw me on the ground. He then placed on a condom – cause we're safe like that – and began devouring my insides with his schlong. He kept pumping upward, rubbing against my G-spot, nearing H-I-J and K spot with his magic shaft.

"_The hills are alive, with the sound of music_," I sang with a high falsetto – adding the chorus, "_ahh-ahh-ahhh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_."

Jacob liked the song and then placed his mouth over an entire boob.

"Oh yes… yes… yes… _YESSSSSSSSS_!" I sang.

He bit down on the other boob, "_nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah_."

I loved when he made those gnawing sounds.

I lay on my back, my arms spread eagle to my sides, hips bucking up and down, and started pounding the ground with my fists, pounding in time with each thrust of his penis deep into me over and over again. My pelvis rocked up and down with his dick pumping in and out, in and out, in and out, busier than a drive-thru window at an In N' Out Burger on a Friday night.

"Yes… fuck me Jake – fuck me like there's no tomorrow."

He pulled out of me. And then crying, "I don't want there to be no tomorrow."

"It's just a saying. It's just a saying idiot." I fisted his thick black hair and jammed his face back on a boob. "Get back to work on this one – it's lonely."

"_Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah_."

Gosh, I _loved_ when he made the gnawing sounds.

**[INTERMISSION: This would be a good spot to get a drink – preferably caffeinated, popcorn, chips, maybe a cookie because some serious shit will take place and you don't want to miss the show.]**

And we're back to him humping like its 1999. Suddenly a disco ball is rotating and I could see the prisms along the trees.

_What the hell? Why is there a disco ball?_

"Testing… testing…. Oh Baby… I love your way… every day," a man with a British accent says over a microphone.

Jacob in all his nakedness lifts up from me, and I'm lying there, feeling the heat of finally having had sex. YES! I finally had sex. I, me, Leah Clearwater finally had sex in this long drawn out fanfic – I mean – in my life of 17 whole years.

"Do you hear Peter Frampton?" Jacob asked.

"No, I'm only seventeen – that's like 70s music. Hello – boobie needs some loving and gnawing."

Halogen bulbs start popping one light after another comes on. And Jacob and I are on the forest floor in the middle of a stage being set up.

Yes, I finally had sex… _in front of a fuckin audience_?

"Anyone else see the two naked people in the forest?" The man at the microphone says. "Anyone?"

"We've heard that joke before," a random dude yells. "Stop messing with the equipment."

"_Wah… wah-wavvin-wex… wah-wex-wex-wex_."

"Frampton shit! I said stop playing with the talk box, too."

"No seriously, man, there are a couple of naked people doing the wango tango at the middle of the forest."

Large spotlights shine on us in our naked glory. Suddenly there is a rouse of cheers, sounding like a Kool-Aid convention. "_OH… YEAH_!

Frampton announced, "This is better than those sites you see people doing things and you hope to God your mom doesn't look at your search history."

"Where are my clothes?" I was searching around Jacob's naked buttocks, hiding underneath him. It was a good thing he was so big. This was more embarrassing than when I tooted in the middle of story time in Kindergarten. And that was pretty damn embarrassing.

I looked over and saw my clothes strewn over one of the large fans at the side of the stage.

"Oh fuck."

Jacob stood up, "Nothing to see here – nothing to see folks."

"Shit." I was crawling along the ground, shoveling dirt and leaves over myself trying to hide.

"Got that right," someone yelled and there were tons of cajoles and ca-jeers at Jacob's sleepy peen that was wilting with the attention - Poor Jacob.

"Fuck this," I changed into a wolf and ran off into the woods and kept running. I'm sure that would cause Sam and the pack to totally disown me.

Suddenly there was another wolf beside me. It was Jacob.

_We're not supposed to change in front of an audience_, he told me.

_We're also not supposed to be having sex in front of an audience, but that didn't stop us._

_Leah, are you mad at me?_

_Yes, because you had sex with Bella… my nemesis… before you had sex with me._

_But that was just comfort sex. With you it was love sex. That makes it different._

_Fuck you Jacob_.

_OH YES you did._

_FUUUUUCK!_

I kept running into the forest and wondering where Canada was.

I ran off and away from Jacob and then changed back, passing Seth's sleeping pad where he was still sound asleep. I walked up to my door, while nude, and knocked.

My mom, Sue Clearwater, answered. "Oh sweetheart, you were a wolf."

"Yes, I was a wolf."

"It's been all over the news. Those two reporters said that a girl turned into a wolf. Fortunately it was dismissed as a hallucination because they were all so stoned. Billy Black was sure to provide the visitors to our lands with gift baskets."

"That's nice," I walked back to my room to find some clothes.

My mom was still talking. "Yes, I'm so glad he thought of the gift baskets too. We want people to think highly of us Q's."

"Loving the hospitality Sue," a Bo Ho chimed from the doorway, holding a cup of coffee.

"Sure Deb."

I passed a lot of Ho's as I made my way to my room. I really didn't care. A few ogled my hot body – _bitches_.

I yelled, "Take a picture – it will last longer."

Suddenly I was inundated with flashes.

"…_fuck."_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

My nude pictures flooded the internets within the next three hours and I got a call from Esme. She wanted me to visit. She thought I might need a session regarding my problem with exhibitionism before the concert.

The concert would start in the evening and I was drawing more attention than I wanted, as if a concert titled, "**La Push Welcomes back to the Tribe, Leah Clearwater, Concert**" wasn't bad enough.

I walked over to the Cullen's home and Alice was sitting alone on the porch, looking similar to the way she looked when I first came to live with them. It actually made me kind of sad, and sympathetic toward whatever was bothering Alice, and also wishing for those days when life seemed so much simpler.

"Hey Alice, something wrong?" I asked concern in my voice.

She made a pouty face. "Stew is on a health craze and tried to make me eat seaweed and tofu. I told her I didn't want to eat seaweed. She made me eat it. There's green stuff stuck in my teeth and now all I taste is seaweed." She started crying.

"I'm sorry. Here, let me help - open wide."

She opened her mouth and I leaned over her, pulling the seaweed from her teeth, leaning in. She finally closed her mouth, as I was inches away from her.

She lifted up and kissed me. "Thank you, Leah." …On the lips.

"Sure." I never kissed a girl before. It wasn't that bad. I kissed a girl… and I liked it… kind'a.

And then she grinned, holding out a pile of print-outs. "But I got these off the internet."

I looked down and saw tons of pictures of me……………………………_naked_.

Alice wouldn't stop looking at me weirdly. Her lips tasted like sweet cherries.

"I'm going to Canada after the concert," I said, still licking my lips. "I'll be eighteen soon enough. I don't think I can handle Forks any more."

"Really?" Alice stood up, so that she was just underneath me because I was taller. I looked down at her sweet little face, into her big, dark eyes that looked like a sugar baby. Alice was so cute.

"If I asked you to stay, would you stay for me?" she asked.

**[A/N Everyone say, "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…"]**

"I don't think I can. I had sex with Jacob and my head is kind of sore – thank goodness for wolf healing - but regardless, I just don't feel like I belong here."

"But they're having the big _to-do_ for you."

"The big _shebang_?"

"No, the _to-do _– or_ ta-do_."

"I don't think that's a term."

"I never heard of shebang. I only heard of to-dos."

"It doesn't matter." My voice was growing more melancholy. I was becoming very melancholy over everything in my life. "I think Peter Frampton saw me having sex with Jacob."

"Why'd you have sex in front of Peter Frampton?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything any more. My clothes are stuck on a fan at the La Push stage where they're having the concert for me."

"I think maybe you hit your head too many times. Let me know when you start seeing yellow submarines or random dance numbers again. But right now you are making no sense – and that's saying a lot from someone like me."

Wow, Alice was sounding so normal. When I looked at her she was simply being a friend to me, and there was something different about her that I hadn't noticed before. I just wasn't sure what it was. We sat down on the porch.

In fact, I was actually feeling normal again. It was like all this haze that I'd been confused in was finally leaving and the world wasn't going to be so random any more. It's like I was finally out of the rabbit hole.

"I noticed you're not shouting famous classical composers," I said.

"I'm feeling better about that." Alice leaned into my shoulder, and I hugged her. She really was my best friend.

"Leah?"

"Yes?"

"Can I go to Canada with you? Esme is busy with Edward now that he's back and Bella is always eating the Rice Krispies treats she makes. I don't like those things – they always stick to my fingers and don't wash off, and then Bella touches them all and gets this weird white substance on them and it kind of grosses me out. Anyway, Emmett and Rosalie are getting married, I think. They'll probably still live here, and have babies that I'll have to babysit. Jasper is in love with Edward and not me."

"No, I just smoked some pot with Jasper and he misses you."

"He does?" Her eyes brightened, as she pulled away. "Seriously?"

"Oh yeah. He was feeling rather emo about losing you to Stew. He was even more talkative than usual."

"I'm over Stew. She just got kind of irritating after awhile. I mean, I could only take so much of the shaking and the tofu… and the seaweed. I really hate that stuff. It's so slimy and green and it scares me." She whispered, "_I think it's alive_."

"I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better Stew and Greene will probably leave after the concert. I think they're here to see Katy Perry or Lady Gaga – maybe both."

Alice leaned into my shoulder again and I ran my hand along her hair. We just sat still, looking out at the sunrise and the giant spotlights showing us the way to the big stage they were putting up for the concert. In a few more hours they were having a concert for me.

**A/N** Okay, everything is settling down. Couples have been decided – thank you for the votes. Concert is next. Krumping, dance numbers, Volturi, Edward, Bella, Bo Ho's and much, much more as the next chapter is the last and then an Epilogue.

I look forward to the REVIEWS for this less random and more serious – yet comical – little chapter. Thanks for reading. : )


	25. Oh Happy Day with My Bro, Seth & AN

**A/N **I want to thank my anon reviewer for being so nice. I'll dub the reviewer only known by his/her ellipsis as Anoni Ellipsi (very Latin). So, thank you Anoni Ellipsi, for that very nice review. (Whoa, I hope that isn't some dirty word in Latin.)

I hope you enjoy this chappy that's happy. : D And if you read please review. Thanks. Peter Frampton will wuv wu fo wit.

Now I present… (*echoing*) THE….. ALMOST…. LAST…. CHAPTER….

(*timpani*) BUM BUM - BUM BUM - BUM BUM - BUM BUM – BUM BUM – BUM BUM – BUM BUM – BUM BUM – BUM BUM - BUM

**AUTHOR: Okay, okay, stop the timpani. (timpani stops playing) **

***takes a deep breath***

**Okay, so I have this story, **_**Leah's Last Stop**_**. There was so much promise for this story. I really enjoyed going from a heartfelt comedy to an all out crackfic that just got zanier and zanier (I prefer zany to crazy simply because it starts with a "z").**

**However, as the story progressed I was possibly biting off more than I can chew. I mean, its not like you can take a crackfic and put on the brakes and make it all serious after you've just entertained the minions – I mean, multitude – no, I mean readers (20 or so?) and when the last chapter squeaked out only two reviews and my fave anonymous reviewer, Anoni Ellipsi, I thought maybe I've truly been chewing too much with this story.**

**And so I have to end it. I have to end it all.**

**No, I'm not going to kill myself. Hehe *sweat drop* Stop cheering. I'm going to end this story… eventually. I know… I know… why am I taking so long to end it? Why am I torturing you… um, 10 - readers by writing this soliloquy of vapid discourse?**

**It's not like you will read this and review it - because this story has run its course. The chapters are longer than other crackfics, thereby making this excruciating for the short attention spans of crackfic readers. (I know it's why I love that awesome story, **_**Edward the Beta,**_** and everything the frakkin **_**EB'**_**s write – they are awesome, btw – they kill Mike Newton.) **

**But yeah, the only salvation for me is to kill Mike Newton and some other people in the ending climax with explosions. So, I'm thinking some characters are going to have to die.**

**I'm sure I might get some sort of lawsuit from killing Mike Newton since it is something only EB's do, but I have to argue that Mike Newton is a free agent and able to be killed by anyone with deadly intent and determination. And believe you, me, I am a determined fanfic writer. :D I love to kill with abandon… or swords. I can kill with swords too.**

**So, here is my dilemma:**

**Everything I just wrote, I realize didn't make sense. The truth is - I've had writer's block when it comes to this story. And those TWO reviews and Anoni Ellipsi's (I love you now) review did not help get me past the writer's block on this story. **

**I still have writer's block when it comes to the funny. That and my crackfic bud has gone off the deep end and entered soap opera epic fantasies, but I won't talk (write) about that now.**

**(My therapist is already on retainer.)**

**And so I have to finish this story complete with explosions and dance numbers and crumping, cramping – wth is that called? – And such. **

**And so the reason I just wrote this REALLY LONG Author's note is because the section of chapter below was all I could come up with.**

**Basically, that's all I'm writing – this is all I could come up with.**

**FUCK, I'm repeating myself!**

**So please read it, enjoy it, love it, caress it, make out with it, but mostly review it. (Just clean the screen when you're done.)**

**And..., here is the painfully short chapter..., enjoy…. *cries***

**Chapter 25 - Oh Happy Day with My Bro, Seth**

I needed to rethink a few things after the session with Esme. Supposedly I had a problem with exhibitionism.

It cemented my first thought when I arrived: the Cullens were insane. It wasn't just a little insane – it started with the parental figures and worked its way down to the foster kids. I guess I could settle with something less mental and simply say they were incompetent. That might have been closer to Esme and Carlisle, and even Sheriff Swan's, problem.

Forks had something up with it. The water or the air, the fact there was little sun or mold growth. I thought over getting a scientific unit out to the local waterways to check for levels of mercury or some other contaminant that would render everyone in Forks to be batshit crazy or really stupid.

"LEAH!"

I looked up and saw Seth running full boar at me.

"LEAH!"

"Yeah?"

He was still running.

SHIT – HE WAS GONNA HIT!

I held my hands out in front, as if I could stop his 160 pounds barreling toward me.

Instead he leapt in the air over me and changed into a wolf and landed on the Cullen's roof.

I stood shaking. Who does that? Who runs at you and then flies over your head and changes into a wolf?

**[*wink wink*]**

Seth leapt back down to the ground, and then changed back into a human. I turned away quickly since I had no desire to see my little bro's dangling gunk. He slipped on his shorts, the whole time his face beaming.

"Leah!"

"Yeah?"

"Leah!"

"Yeah?"

"Leah"

"FUCK – what do you want?"

"I'm famous!"

"Really? That's wonderful." I was deadpan, and then pulled a joint from my pocket, lighting it.

"No seriously. My happy dance has over a million hits on YouTube."

"You mean that gay dance you do?"

"Hey – it's super famous now. Your nude stuff only got like a few thousand hits. Also, there were some comments about how you're an exhibitionist. Are you?"

"…. _fuck._"

"Yeah, Peter Frampton asked me to demonstrate my cool moves at the concert. He also said he saw these two people having wex."

"Wex?"

"Yeah, he talks like that. He said like, 'wey weth wah wah wah what woo doooo-ing?' and I laughed cause it sounded like a robot. I also met Katy Perry and she kissed me but then said, 'oops, thought you were a girl.'" He laughed. "How funny."

"Hilarious." I inhaled a deep suck of pot, swirling around my brain to ease the stupid.

"Want to go with me to the concert? Mom's got her special group – they wear matching shirts. I wish I had a special group that wore cool shirts."

"You're a wolf. Not a lot of people can change into wolves. Forget cotton – you have fur."

"Yeah, but we don't have cool shirts that say HO like Santa." He searched around me, "So like… where's… Alice? Cause she could come with us."

"You like her, don't you?" I nudged his shoulder playfully.

"She's so… cute. And she can talk to my mind like she's a wolf, but not a wolf. Why do you think she does that? Doesn't she have cute hair?"

"You do realize she's gay."

"Its okay – lots of people tell me my dance is gay… so like – we're alike. That's so cool. I wonder if she'd like me. I'm happy too."

He was so clueless. I was beginning to think Seth didn't know what "gay" meant.

It was definitely the water.

My joint was down to the nib. I wasn't high enough to make it through this day.

"Yeah, let's go to the concert. They'll probably have lots of pot there."

**A/N **^___^ Okay, you all know what I wrote up there under "Author" was a joke, right? ;) It was part of this chapter.

I really have had writer's block and that's simply the only reason the ending will be in two or three parts. I figure I can just throw some shorter chapters up. I can probably handle that.

I'm sorry this is taking so long. I look forward to reviews and hope my little above joke was more humorous than pissing you off. :D Thanks a bunch, guys… and Anoni Ellipsi who types ellipses like I've never seen typed before, I love you. *wink wink*


	26. What's that Smell?

**Special Note to Anoni Ellipsi: **Thank you for girl crushing on me you hot little three-dotted muffin. Yes, I was talkin' to you. *wink wink* _rawrrrrrrr…._

**A/N **Okay, sorry for the inconvenience other readers. The thing about those anon reviewers is they never leave an address or phone number to call or visit them later. I have to interrupt my regular programming to remark on their flirtations. I know… I know - you felt inconvenienced. I am very sorry.

Now where was I? Oh yes, I was listening to my classic rock station the other day and heard a song I hadn't heard in a while. It's from Lynyrd Skynyrd and called, _What's that Smell?_ What a lame name – I know. But, it got me to thinking…. Hmm… always a worthy endeavor – thinking. (-__-)\

So, here is the next short chapter for my crackfic brain-deadness. However, please read my story, "_My Other Ride's a Squirrel_," to see the kind of crackfic I have been writing lately. It's on our (Jezz and me) CrackficShrews site (link on my profile). By the 3rd chapter you will laugh so hard you may just pee your pants, or your money back. ;)

**Chapter 26 - What's that Smell?**

The grounds were abuzz with people wanting to see a big concert. The Q's had booths set up with drinks, corn on the cob, Q brownies with special Q ingredients (I knew what that was so I grabbed a few needing the pot pick-me-up), meatballs (oh shit, meatballs), and then random trinkets for sale.

It was late afternoon and the sky was gray as usual, and there were trees surrounding the large meadow where the concert stage was set up. A constant drizzle fell and made the ground a little muddy, but not sloshy, maybe slushy.

There was a stage band playing as guests entered the grounds, and then I saw the big fan by the stage and my jeans and shirt was still on top of it. That sent off both fond make out memories, and horrified public viewing of my sex session with Jacob memories. I hoped no one remembered, especially that Peter Frampton. I don't get why he asked Seth to do his "happy dance."

Emmett was strolling along with a harem of girls; Rose on one arm, Greene on the other, and now Stew tagging along. She was looking around, peering into the crowd, and I think trying to find Alice.

That's when I heard Alice "psst," me from a large pine behind me.

I turned and she waved me over.

"Hey Alice," I greeted, quietly, understanding the clandestine nature of a 'psst'.

"Ssh," she held a finger over her lips, "she's looking for me."

"Stew?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I'm psychic like that."

"HI ALICE!" my big mouth little brother said loudly and everyone turned to see us, including Stew.

"Shit Seth – keep it down." I didn't even realize he was still beside me. I was already doing 'brother mental block' and I hadn't even had him as a brother that long.

Stew spied Alice and Alice suddenly screamed, and then ran away screaming, "Shostakovich Seaweed! SHOSTAKOVICH SEAWEED!!!"

Damn – she was back on Russian composers.

Stew ran up to me, "Hey Leah did you see where Alice went?"

I pointed in a different direction despite everyone seeing her run east.

"Okay thanks. I made her seaweed muffins." And she ran south.

ZZ Top were on the stage playing songs and I hadn't noticed, but they had already played five different songs that sounded alike; "Sharp Dressed Man," and "Cheap Sunglasses;" but then they were playing "Under Pressure" and it was a good background song for Alice's wild run away from Stew and her seaweed muffins.

Edward walked up to me quickly, glowering. "Q-girl, do you know what?"

"No – never met him before."

**[Ba-Dum]**

"You don't make sense because you're stupid," Bella told me, tagging along on Edward's arm.

"Are you sure you don't understand my sense because you're stupid?"

"No because that would make me stupid."

"At least you got that right," I slapped Bella on the shoulder, "good for you." And then I walked away looking for Jacob.

_Boy, she made this way too easy._

I walked away quickly past some booths and toward the back of the concert grounds, and saw a bunch of band busses and ran that way. I was looking around and couldn't find Jacob anywhere.

And then I saw a large entourage with my mom leading the Bo Ho's toward Bo Bice's bus. I didn't want to go that direction. Poor Bo was about to be attacked by Ho's.

When I turned I bumped into someone and fell back. Looking across at the person, I screamed, "MICK JAGGER!"

"No babe, I'm Steven Tyler."

"Steven Tyler? But those… lips…."

"We get that a lot. I'm the dad of that elf gal in the _Lord of the Rings_ movies."

"OHHHHH – hey, yeah. I love your daughter, Liv."

"Everyone does. It makes me and my platinum records and feats as a famous singer and musician of one of the greatest bands of all time rather insignificant."

"Ah well. So… is your daughter around?"

_Whoa, I would love to meet Liv Tyler_. She was a fuckin' ELF!

"No – fraid not, love. I can introduce you to Mick Jagger, Pete Townsend, and Peter Frampton."

"Yeah, met Frampton already."

"Yeah, the fucker still has the best selling live album of all time. Seriously? Do a few wah wahs with a voice box and you have a best seller? Shit man – he's short and balding too. I still have this luscious long hair and a tight ass."

"I noticed that tight ass, _Liv Tyler's_ dad."

Steven Tyler rolled his eyes and walked away from me. Was it something I said? The dude had some serious dad-of-an-elf issues. But his ass did look good in that spandex.

**[Okay, I would go insane if I really met Steve Tyler or Aerosmith – a really fuckin great band. I'm just trying to keep up with a joke. Sorry Steve Tyler – call me sometime.]**

I bumped into someone else and screamed, "Whoa, a dwarf!" (I guess I was still on _Lord of the Rings_ mindset.)

The person was a horribly terrifying little creature, with stubby legs, spandex that glittered and sparkled, shoulder pads from 1986, and large sunglasses with a platinum blonde wig.

"Fuck off bitch – I'm Lady GaGa."

"That your real name?" I couldn't stop laughing. "Gaga?"

Two big, burly bodyguards grabbed me by the arms, hoisting me nearly a foot off the ground, as the short chick with gigantic, manly shoulders glared at me.

"Take her to my dressing room – she'll do."

"I'll do what?"

She laughed sinisterly, lowering her glasses and her eyes were a color I'd never seen before. "Exactly."

I screamed as they threw me in the dressing room filled with GaGa minions.

**[Break in the Story as our protagonist is assaulted by Lady GaGa. Please enjoy a snack and drink while you wait, and maybe listen to "**_**Toys in the Attic**_**" by Aerosmith.]**

I tumbled out of Lady GaGa's dressing room, my legs wobbly from being squeezed into silver spandex and a glittery red halter top. Damn it! I didn't want a spa treatment today. She even gave me a pedicure. The bitch! Who knew she had a fetish for beautician techniques ever since her days of graduating from Sally's Beauty School in New York. She totally chewed my ear off telling me the story of how she became famous. Like I cared? And I had a fuckin' blonde wig.

I kept walking funny along the muddy ground in four-inch stiletto heels and I felt like a hooker – I felt like that nympo, Bella Swan… _my nemesis_.

**[Author's Note: Lady GaGa is actually an accomplished pianist and never went to beauty school. Again, sorry LGG – creative license taken by me.] **

Some random guy whistled at me. Another one whistled at me while I walked funny, with this tight spandex on and high heels. How'd she walk in this crap? Damn, the spandex was giving me a major wedgie.

At least my skin felt taut and smooth, and really refreshed. She was one hell of a beautician.

Another guy whistled at me. Damn, they really go for the blonde hooker look. I had to change out of this crap and then I saw my jeans and old T-shirt on the fan at the stage and realized I could use those right now.

"Whoa baby!" I turned to see my little brother. _Fuck_. "Love that spandex, hot mama! Woo Woo," he began to gyrate and thrust, "yeah, baby… Yaowwwww! Sizzle sizzle, poker's on the griddle! Woooooot!"

"Shut the fuck up, Seth – it's me – you dumbass!"

"Whoa… ew… oh wow… ew… I'm going to be sick," he fell to his knees and started puking.

I left him kneeling on the ground while I walked toward the woods. I needed some pot and that bitch Gaga stole my brownies too. _Damn it!_

**A/N** Yep, another short chappy. My mind has really gone blank. I don't even know why the chappy was titled, "What's that Smell?" It had nothing to do with this chapter. I wonder if I can just have a dance number next, or explosion. I hate tough decisions – death or dance – always tough. ;D

Okay, sizzle sizzle, poker's on the griddle, and time to review! : D Thanks for reading!


	27. The Explosive Finale! Le Fin! The End!

**A/N** Final chapter with a crazy twist at the end, and lots of action. There are some very serious parts to this story. Yes, I've added drama to the ending. But then, it has to end on a good note. ;)

Meatballs, Seth's Happy Dance, I HATE FANS, it's all packed into this finale.

I'll have an Epilogue after this. I want you guys to pm me any questions you have regarding this story. Was there a plot hole you need explained? (I know there were a lot of those) Were you upset with who Leah ended up with eventually? Did you like the twist? Was there something you wanted to know about the characters? Any questions - as this is the last chapter - I'll answer in the Epilogue. So, pm me questions or ask in the review and I'll answer you all. I appreciated the ones who read this SO MUCH. : )

I'll also, thank everyone who added this story to their fave's list and every reviewer of this crazy little comedy/crackfic at the end of the Epilogue.

Thanks so much for reading. I've had fun. : )

**~~~The Explosive Finale! Le Fin! The End!~~~ **

Walking in the woods I instantly smelled pot. I kept getting stuck in the mud with these four-inch stilettos, so I pulled them off and left them on the ground. Then I had this stupid wig that was falling over my eyes, so I pulled that off. I was still headed toward the smell of pot.

The spandex pants were riding up my ass, so I slid out of those. I was in the woods and changed into a wolf, so prancing through pines in panties wasn't that big of a deal. Plus, I had these really cute Victoria's secret ones that were lacy with this little bow design at my crack. They were really cute.

**[For Jezz – you know what I'm talkin' bout. ;D]**

The halter top was just ugly, so I pulled that off too, and I could show off the cute matching bra. I bought them expecting to get some action today. I'd had sex for an audience, a poorly viewed nudie photo shoot, and forcible make-over. It was truly one of my worse days; despite it supposedly being the day I was 'Welcomed Back' to the Quileute Tribe.

"At least you didn't have a concussion."

I turned to see someone with an Italian accent speaking to me. He wore a long black robe and held his hands together, like he was praying. He wore a little, black velvet hat too, carried a joint and wore large sunglasses and had a mustache.

"Are you a member of a Satan rock band, cause I'm pretty sure they weren't booked on this venue."

"No, my child, I am Father Guido Demetri of the Volturi Hired Hit Man Service. And I am here because of my son, James Victoria Laurent."

"Hmm…." I looked over the tall man with long black hair and dark sunglasses. "How come James Victoria Laurent had a French name and you have an Italian name?"

"Victoria is Italian."

Oh fuck, he really _was_ related to James Victoria Laurent.

"Hello… Leahr Clearwater."

I turned, my heart pounding when I heard that British accent. "Cedric?! Cedric… DIGGORY?!"

"Yes – how'd you know? I came here after seeing those nudie pics on YouTube. I had to meet you." His eyes were actually looking at me longingly like some lovesick puppy in a cheap romance novel. "I don't mind that you're an exhibitionist."

"You're not real!" I pointed angrily at him and then Father Guido Demetri. "Wait a minute! Wait a fuckin' minute! You're part of the assassin group, Volturi, and Cedric Diggory is Edward's eviler twin in my dream. So… that makes me in a coma."

"I'm sorry, Leahr Clearwater," Cedric Diggory said, "but you are standing up and people lie down when they're in comas."

"Not necessarily," Father Guido Demetri stated authoritatively, "You see, some vegetable states are in standing position – like celery stalks."

"It's vegetative, not vegetable. I am definitely dreaming."

"You were dreaming of me… Leahr Clearwater?" He swooned.

"Diggory, you little ass, you say my name one more time like that and I'm changing into a wolf and biting off your peen!"

"Oooo," he shuddered, waving his hand limply in the air. Man, he was just like Edward. Wait, unless he was Edward. Maybe Edward had snapped and this was his alternate personality?

"Okay Edward, where's Bella? Is this some joke? I mean, it might be too advanced for her to think up so you must have had outside help. Did Greene help you? She used to always fuck with my head when I lived with those two and make up new words. I could see her advancing to names – like… Cedric_ Diggory_ and _Guido Demetri_."

"No Leahr Clearwater, I am real – and here for you."

I changed into a giant wolf. That ass said my name again and I was through with empty threats.

"Hoo, didn't see that coming! You're a fuckin wolf! Forget this - I'm not into bestiality."

I growled, and Cedric Diggory ran off into the woods.

I snapped my head around and growled at the Volturi guy next. He only snapped his fingers and three other men in robes walked out from behind the trees.

"We knew you were a wolf. We've been keeping our eye on your Q's for awhile," One of the robe-clad men said and then he pulled down his hood to reveal a head of long white hair. "I am Aro of the Volturi Hit Man Service and one of our operatives disappeared. All that our agent…" he pointed to a new small figure in a red robe, who stepped out from behind the trees. Shit, this place was crawling with robe-clad imaginary people. Would Unicorns start popping up and eating the shrubbery?

**[*wink wink*] **

"Anyhoo, she found a small piece of sparkling peen on the ground…" The small figure in the red robe held that familiar, slobbery sparkling peen up in the air, holding it all sparkly up to show what she found. It was really disturbing. The damn thing was like a little rainbow of sparkles and she wasn't pulling it back down. It was like she was the Statue of Liberty – the Statue of Inappropriate Sparkling Peen.

Aro continued, "And after closer inspection she realized it was bitten by a wolf – a very large and smelly shape shifting wolf. She realized there were many and smelled that at one time James Victoria Laurent had been here and was in several pieces in several areas, and chewed on in several places. Oh yes, we know all about your kind."

I stood, feeling a little dumbfounded by the turn of events. It was amazingly stupid in several ways – including the fact the small one kept holding up the sparkling peen for all to see. It kind of took the attention away from Aro's speech.

"And so now we will have to rid this area of evidence to you wolves, and that we were here."

_You know if you wouldn't have shown up that might have been a better plan_, I thought_. And, oh fuck, I ripped my cute Victoria's Secret lingerie changing – DAMN IT!_

The four men pulled off their robes revealing black suits, black shoes, and skinny black ties with white shirts. And then they pulled out sunglasses, placing them on their faces and black fedoras. The only one who didn't pull off the robe was the small figure and that one went back into the woods. At least she took the sparkling peen with her.

The other men all looked like Aro, but one had black hair and the other had black hair. Demetri also had black hair. Okay, so they all had black hair except for the Aro guy.

"We are the Volturi Four, also known as, the best Four Seasons imitators in Italy. We have a gig in a few moments, but afterward we'll blow this place to smithereens."

I decided to change back if he was going to keep talking. I needed to inject something verbally or he'd probably just go on and on. I shifted back into a human and quickly snatched up one of their robes, slipping it on. Man, I wish I had some pot.

Now that I was human form I asked, "Why are you telling me all this?"

"I'm sure you are wondering why we are telling you our plan."

"Yeah, I just asked that."

"Oh yes, sorry… I wasn't paying attention. Marcus, Caius, where was I? This sheet of paper told me to say this."

"Yes, but Aro you also need to improvise."

"Improvise? I'm not a comedy act."

**[Leah Clearwater: Okay, readers, I'm just saying… is this **_**really**_** all we have for the last chapter? **_**Seriously**_**? – boring repartee between these boring Volturi guys? Aren't we supposed to be getting some action?]**

**[Author: That's what she said. Ba-Dum]**

**[Leah Clearwater: Fuck off.]**

**[…]**

The three Volturi continued glancing between one another, confused.

"Oh never mind, it is because we're going to have to finish James Victoria Laurent's plan and kill you. So it doesn't really matter. A hit is a hit – it's our policy."

"Oh… okay, guess its time for me to go," I said quickly, ready to run.

"I'd hold off if I were you," the smaller one in the red robe said, walking out from behind the trees. "We have something you want."

The smaller one grabbed something from behind the trees. She had Alice by the scruff of her neck, with her hands and ankles bound, and K Stew tied up, similarly, but with a gag (man, what a relief), in her other hand, and then she kicked some guy across the ground, tied up also. I forget his name – just some student from Sporks High. He was the blonde one with ice blue eyes.

He looked up from the ground smiling. "Oh hey, it's you. Wow, this is some wild party, eh? Doesn't Bella look hot all tied up?"

I looked over at K Stew. Everyone thought she was Bella.

"So like wow, remember me – Mike?" He kept smiling like a clueless idiot.

"Yeah, you're the dweeb."

"Oh HAH – HAH you are funny." He moved his head back and forth, since his hands weren't free to do that poking thing.

"Okay, yeah now I remember you – the _irritating_ dweeb."

"Oh HAH, yeah – you are so…"

"_Funny_ – yeah, I know - fuck can one of you kill him?"

Alice looked to me, upset, and making me feel guilty. She and her 'no kill' policy - _sheesh_.

"Never mind," I told them, hearing music playing in the background. I think it was Bo Bice on stage, because I'm pretty sure I heard my mom yelling, "Take it off!"

"Okay, so let me get this straight," I had to try and figure out what was going on because I was pretty confused. "You are here to kill me, to both avenge JVL being eaten by me and my wolf friends, and also because you have to fulfill the policy, and everyone else because… the Q's change into wolves? Okay, so there you have me lost slightly - that and you have Alice, Stew, and… um, that guy because… why?"

"They're our hostages to make sure you don't ruin our plan," Aro answered.

"But that's unnecessary because you just said you were going to kill me."

"Oh yes," Aro pondered, holding a hand under his chin, "Jane dear, why did you take those hostages? She makes a valid point."

Jane, the small vampire I now knew her as, said, "Well, I saw these two and thought it would be fun because the little, cute one -" Jane looked over Alice, enamored, " - knows Russian composers, and you know my feelings on that subject, and then the other one, well she just irritated the shit out of me with her shaking and talk of seaweed, so I gagged her, and then this guy, well he hit on me. It pissed me off." She then kicked Mike Newton.

"Me _likey_ you. Wanna go out?" Mike Newton growled, looking up at Jane, who ignored him.

"Oh, I see," Aro commented, "Jane you really need to work on that reactive personality. I was sure Marcus spoke to you about it in your last session."

"Yes, extensively," the one who was Marcus, I guess, said that.

"So," I shook my head, holding up my hands, trying to bring order to something that was just incredibly nonsensical, "they're not hostages. They're just people that you randomly wanted to tie up?"

"I guess if you want to be technical," Jane smiled at Alice again. Damn, did she turn on everyone in her vicinity? "This one might get to live." She winked and Alice winked back.

"Rachmaninoff," Alice said, twirling the "R."

Jane gushed, "Oooooh that is so _hot_!"

"What about me?" Mike whined. "I can be hot."

"I'm going to kill you," Jane said. "Can I Marcus? Will it mess with my progress?"

"No, he pretty much irritates the shit out of all of us – kill away."

"Oh wait," Mike looked up at me and then the others, "if you're vampires can you bite me in the groin Jane." He growled up at her, flirtatiously, pathetically, once again, "I always wanted to be bit there ever since I saw that movie, _Love at_ _First Bite_. Hilarious flick – sooo funny – HAH. Oh yeah, does that mean I get to be a vampire too?"

"Shit Jane, do your job and bite him already." Oops, that came from me.

Alice again looked at me making me feel guilty, and then I heard her thoughts in my head. _These Volturi Hit Men are crazy. They placed hundreds of bombs all over the forest and are going to blow up all these people. They said they wanted to be thorough. We have to stop them. You have to warn everyone to leave because there are too many bombs._

_I didn't realize you could talk to me when I wasn't a wolf._

_It's because I have this link with you,_ her eyes met mine, _it's always been only you, Leah._

Fireworks went off from the celebration, pulling my gaze from Alice. I realized how much I cared about her. Since the moment I saw that cute little face with those large, dark brown eyes, and her sincere smile.

I looked down, realizing Mike was dead. Oh wow, when did that happen? He was dead with a smile on his face and totally ashen, drained of his blood. I looked up and Jane was licking her lips, and then pulled out a napkin, to wipe off her mouth carefully. Oops, I forgot about the whole saving humanity thing as a wolf. Ah well – it was only Mike Newton.

**[Dedicated to the EB's who's motto is, ""A fic's not finished until Mike Newton's Dead." :D]**

I looked to Alice again, tied up and by Jane's feet. Stew had fallen asleep through everything, and drooling around the gag.

_But I can't just leave you, Alice. I'm going to save you._

_No, then they'll all attack you and they'll kill you. These are five strong vampires and then the bombs will still go off. Please Leah. You have to – you only have 30 minutes. You have to save the day, Leah. This is your story – I mean, well, I love you. But, you have to go now and get everyone out of here. Plus, they're about to kill you – and I don't want that to happen. We're going to Canada together._

_We are?_

She nodded, smiling.

It was already dark out and the vampires' eyes were all glowing and I could sense they were about to pounce on me next, so I threw off the robe, flipped backward in the air and changed into a wolf and ran toward the concert to warn everyone to leave.

Seth was on the stage doing his Happy Dance – _damn_:

He was hopping around like a rabbit, and then he started leaping like a frog.

The audience was mimicking his movements. Did they all know the Happy Dance?

Then my bro flapped his arms like an eagle while running in a tight circle, and then did a back flip, a quick foot shuffle, leapt in the air kicking up his heels, clicking them twice, leaping backward until he landed.

I looked out at the audience. It was the weirdest thing. Seth had like a cult of gay dancers.

He then did two quick whirls; his leg fully extended in a pirouette, and then settled in a sitting position on all fours, a wide grin spread across his face, his tongue hanging out to the side, panting from the exertion.

And the whole audience was sitting on their haunches.

…_Fuck me._

At least they were all pretty much in one spot. I just had to go up on stage and announce what was going on. Damn, he had a lot of fans.

I was glad to see the Cullens were there, even Esme and Carlisle, standing with Jasper, and then Greene was there holding to Emmett on one side, and Rosalie was on the other. And then Sheriff Charlie Swan was there with Edward and my… _nemesis_, Bella Swan. My mom and her Bo Ho's were even doing the Happy Dance. And there were all the Q's and reporters and it looked like the entire population of Forks.

How was I going to get them all to leave?

I was going to do something that meant regrets for the rest of my life. I leapt on the stage, changing human, interrupting Seth as he was about to do his encore of the Happy Dance. The whole audience booed me, and then Seth whispered, "Sis, what are you doing up here – naked - in front of everyone? You really _are_ an exhibitionist."

The audience grew quiet, stunned. I was pretty embarrassed, and then I heard someone yell, "Fuck - it's that exhibitionist!"

"Fuck you too!" I yelled into the mic. "Okay, listen…"

"Get off the stage exhibitionist!" "Boo" "Boo" "We want Seth – Boo!"

**[Boo Boo Stewart!] **

They were going crazy - stupid people. _I was trying to save them! _

Oh yes – maybe clothes would help. I saw my jeans and shirt still hanging off the large fan and ran over and grabbed them, slipping them on as people started throwing things at me on the stage. Damn, I was getting hit by everything but the kitchen sink. Someone even threw a Subway '_foootlongggg – five dollar… foooootlong'_ at me.

Peter Frampton came onto the stage, "Whoa, woo, wah wah wah you do-weeeeeeeng?"

I couldn't believe he talked like that. He kept trying to pull me off the stage, picking a piece of salami off my shoulder, eating it quickly - so I kicked him into the audience. I saw Steven Tyler pump a fist, pleased with my action. In fact, all the acts to the side gave me a thumbs up. I bowed slightly.

While pulling my jeans on I yelled into the mic, "LOOK – all of you need to leave NOW. This place is set to blow up!"

"What?" Seth said behind me, and I turned, nodding quickly.

"Yeah Seth, we need to get everyone out of here."

I yelled into the mic again, "You all have to get out of here! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

No one was moving. They were just standing there, and then the 'boo's' grew louder. "Get off the stage, you show whore!" "Put Seth back on!"

"My fans await," Seth said.

"Seth! I just told you this place it going to blow up."

"Oh yeah."

A basketball was thrown at my head. And it hurt.

"Hey," I pointed at the heckler, "fuck you too – now GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Nu-dee Leave! Nu-dee Leave!" They started chanting, "Nu-dee Leave! Nu-dee Leave!" Bunch of asses – I should let them all get blown up.

Edward jumped onto the stage. "Look - I'd listen to her and leave! My long lost, _extremely handsome_, twin from England," he pointed out to Cedric Diggory in the audience, "told me she is correct. This place is going to blow. He saw the bombs with his own eyes."

I couldn't believe I was getting help from Edward's twin brother - who I actually dreamed about - but he was real, and so… yeah, nothing made sense again – especially the fact he was in England, saw my nudie pics during the day, caught a flight and was here. Time wise, it wasn't possible. But… this was Forks, Washington. And was Cedric flirting with my… _nemesis_… Bella Swan?

A large tomato hit Edward at the side of his head. And then someone yelled, "Get off the stage freak!" "We're fans of Seth – not you!"

The rage that filled Edward's eyes grew. He was going to blow. He was going to go all sociopathic killing spree. His copper hair even started turning redder as his brow scrunched inward and he clenched his fists. His nostrils flared out and his whole body started shaking.

"Whoa now," I told him, "calm down Edward."

"FANS!" He screamed, "I. HATE. FANS!!!"

He ran to the large fan, lifting it in the air and threw it at the one who called him a name, so I phased quickly, leaping at the flying fan and catching it in my teeth. Unfortunately, my large hulking wolf body was about to land on the man and his girlfriend, and I couldn't kill people, so I tried to do a tuck and roll, hitting the man and his girlfriend like bowling pins.

Oops, my bad. They were fortunately still alive, just knocked over.

"Killer Wolf!" Everyone was yelling and running. "KILLER WOLF!"

Charlie pulled out his gun, muttering, "That's the one that tried to drown my Bella."

_Oh fuck_…. He was fuckin shooting at me. The other law enforcement guys followed his lead and also started shooting at me.

Soon people were running around in circles, screaming, and there was gunfire and someone was going to get shot. What the hell?! This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Fuck! But at least the people were running. So I began snarling and chasing them the hell out of here.

And then I turned and saw Seth and Jacob as wolves also.

_Thanks for finally helping me out, guys_. I was a little sarcastic. _We need to get these people out of here._

_But they're shooting at us,_ Seth said.

I glanced over at Jacob, and his eyes averted from mine.

And then the lights went down on the stage, the disco ball lit up, spinning, and music started up.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, but everyone please stay and enjoy the show. Live from Italy, the Volturi Four!"

I turned, and everyone was walking back to the stage. They were like zombies, staring at the stage, and walking back to it. _Damn it!_

Aro stood in the front, while Marcus, Caius and Father Demetri stood at the side, swaying to the music and snapping, bobbing their heads, acting like Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Aro pointed at directly at me, smiling triumphantly, and started singing:

"_Who loves you pretty baby?_

_Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who loves you pretty mama?_

_Who's always there to make it right?_

_Who loves you pretty baby?_

_Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who loves you pretty mama?_

_Who's always there to make it right?"_

Boy, these are dumb lyrics. Everyone was mesmerized by their singing and they weren't leaving.

_Those crazy Volturi were going to keep them with their awesome harmony_, I mind spoke to Seth and Jacob, but they phased back and were also listening. Shoot!

What time was it? Those bombs were going to go off any minute.

They were singing louder:

"_Who loves you, who loves you, who loves you…?"_

It was like a chant, and they were doing the "_do-do's_."

I realized I wasn't going to save anyone. It felt cold inside, realizing I'd lost. Wasn't the good guy supposed to triumph at the end?

Well that sucked.

No… no, I could at least save Alice. I had to find her. She's the one I cared about the most.

I ran into the woods, yelling in my mind, _Alice! Alice, where are you?!_

I was sniffing around trees, trying to find her scent. I almost stepped on Stew, and she was waggling on the ground, so I phased back and untied her.

"Hey, where's Alice?" I asked quickly.

"You're naked again."

"Yeah, yeah, but where's Alice?"

"I think I'm going back to crack. This healthy lifestyle is really affecting me. I could have sworn I was kidnapped by a sparkling vampire. Have you ever heard of anything so dumb?"

"Yeah, I'll go find Alice myself." I phased back into a wolf and ran away. Stew was always so irrelevant.

_ALICE! ALICE!_

There, I smelled her. I knew there wasn't much time. I took off to where her scent drifted and found her with Jane, untied and talking.

"Alice," I said relieved, shifting into a human quickly.

"Hey Leah," Alice smiled, but there was something behind her eyes. "I promised Jane I'd go off with her if she'd stop the bombs and not kill you. And… she agreed." Alice smiled as if happy with her decision.

Jane held around Alice. "We're in love – so go on wolf girl. We don't need you. You keep your humans. I have mine." She pinched Alice's cheek, "My own cute, little human. I want to be with her every moment of every day."

"Everything's okay now," Alice said, still speaking like she was forcing elation that wasn't there. "I've always wanted to live in Europe."

_You never said anything about Europe. We were going to Canada together._

_Sorry – I'm with Jane now._

Something wasn't right.

"Anyway," Alice said. "She can reenact the bombs if I don't go with her – _right now_. It was so nice of Jane to give me that gift – letting everyone live."

_But not you_, I said.

Alice was sacrificing herself for everyone… and me. I couldn't let her do this. She didn't want to live with the vampires in Europe.

I asked Jane, "What about the other Volturi on the stage? They'll just make them go off as soon as you leave."

"No – they can't. You see," Jane showed me the trigger from under her robe. I cringed automatically, thinking it would be JVL's sparkling peen. Good, it was just a trigger to set off the bombs.

"You see," Jane said proudly, stepping away from Alice finally, to show off her ingenuity, "only I have the trigger. The bombs can't go off unless I push this button here." She showed me the button.

"Wow that was really smart of them leaving it in your hands. I can tell you're a very brilliant vampire. I just wish I was going to make it to the wedding between you and Alice."

"We won't need a wedding. Alice will be kept in a roomy cage at my castle. I'll take care of my new little pets every need."

_A cage?_ I stared at Alice, who looked like she was about to cry.

"If you'd like to visit, I suppose I could give you…"

I phased quickly, stopping her mid-sentence, biting off her arm holding the trigger for the bombs. I then ate Jane. She was small and went down easily.

Alice stood back, watching me, tears in her eyes, picking up the trigger, and then, pulling out a wire at the bottom – disconnecting it. I hated making her sad, taking a life.

I phased back and told her. "Sorry, I had to do it. She wanted to blow everyone up and I couldn't let you go off and live a life you didn't want to live forever with that evil vamp, being kept in a..."

Alice ran into my arms, holding me, in an instant, weeping into my shoulder.

"I was so scared I'd be kept again," she cried, "Kept – just like with the fatties. I didn't want to go with her. I didn't want to live in a cage. I was so scared."

"I knew that."

We held each other for a long time, as Alice cried into my shoulder. I ran my hand across her lovely, dark and short hair. It was so soft, and she was so sweet. Only she would have risked her own life for everyone. I loved her so much. Since the moment I first saw her stuffing meatballs into her pockets to feed the wolves. I was a wolf, after all, and meatballs were subconsciously a favorite food of mine too. She had become my best friend. She was the only constant in this crazy world I'd stepped into as my last stop in foster care. I loved everything about her, the one I figured out was, Alice the Wolf Whisperer.

And then I felt new sensations down below. Alice, that cute little lesbian, was rocking against my pussy, dry humping me. And then I realized… I was still naked.

_Ah………………………………………………………………………………………………….................................................................................................................................................................................................fuck_.

[The End]

**[Closing credits while "Who Loves You," by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons plays in the background.]**

_Who loves you pretty baby,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who loves you pretty mama,  
Who's always there to make it right?_

_Who loves you pretty baby,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who loves you pretty mama,  
Who's always there to make it right?_

_Who loves you,  
Who loves you pretty baby?  
Who's gonna love you mama?_

_Who loves you,  
Who __loves you__ pretty baby?_

_When tears are in your eyes,  
And you can't find the way._

_It's hard to make believe,  
You're happy when you're gray._

_Baby__ when you're feelin' like,  
You'll never see the mornin' light._

_Come to me,  
__Baby__, you'll see._

_Who loves you pretty baby,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who __loves you__ pretty mama,  
Who's always there to make it?_

_Who loves you,  
Who loves you pretty baby?  
Who's gonna love you mama?_

_Who loves you,  
Who loves you pretty baby?_

_And when you think,  
The whole wide world has passed you by._

_You keep on tryin',  
But you really don't know why._

_Baby when you need a smile,  
To help the shadows drift away._

_Come to me,  
Baby, you'll see._

_Who loves you pretty baby,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who loves you pretty mama,  
Who's always there to make it?_

_Who loves you,  
Who's gonna love you, love you?  
Who's gonna love you?_

_Who loves you,  
Who's gonna love you, love you?  
Who's gonna love you?_

_Baby,  
Baby,  
Doot-doo-doot._

_Come to me,  
Baby, you'll see._

_Who loves you pretty baby,  
Who's gonna help you through the night?_

_Who loves you pretty mama,  
Who's always there to make it?_

_Who loves you,  
Who's gonna love you, love you?  
Who's gonna love you?_

_Who loves you,  
Who's gonna love you, love you?  
Who's gonna love you…_

Mike Newton wakes up partially buried deep in the forest. He turns toward you all; his eyes a deep red, and grins. "Cool – I'm a vampire! HAH – that's so funny!" Poke. ;)

_**--- "Who Loves You," by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons**_ (I'll post a link to the song on my profile page.)

**A/N** Now it's time to review the last chapter and don't forget questions if you'd like for the Epilogue. Thank you all so much for reading. ^_____^ *mwah* Who loves you, baby?


	28. The Epilogue, The Real Epi & Thanks

**The Last A/N and I feel a song coming on, as I thank my readers…**

Thank you to everyone who has read this story. I truly appreciated you for reading my little story that turned into a crackfic and just got zanier and zanier. I know this story was much too long for being a simple little comedy that became a crackfic. But…(bowing my head in thought)

at least….

**[I pick up a mic.]**

"Hit it boys!"

**[Orchestra starts up in the background playing, **_**My Way**_**, by Frank Sinatra.]**

**Link: http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=6E2hYDIFDIU**

_And now, _

_the end is near – _

I mean… it's here. Really – the fuckin story is over… except for this next really cool Epiloguey part. So read on;

_And so I face the final curtain.  
My friend, I'll say it clear,  
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain._

Leah could have ended up with Jacob, but seriously – who wouldn't want that cute little lesbian Alice? Seriously? *wink* (Psst… there's still a chance for Blackwater, read on.)

_I've lived a life that's full.  
I've traveled each and every highway;  
_

But have never been duct-taped to a tree – never. Well, I was once apprehended by a crazy sheriff south of the Mason/Dixon line, but I don't want to go into details.

_And more, much more than this,  
I did it my way._

You bet. ;D

_Regrets, I've had a few;_

_But then again, too few to mention.  
I did what I had to do  
And saw it through without exemption.  
_

LIKE what really Happened Two Years Later: 

Bella ended up alone and writing memoirs in Canada - alone and miserable and living at a trailer park (Do they have trailer parks in Canada? I mean, there are no tornadoes, which kind of defeats the purpose for a trailer park.):

Edward realized how much he loved Jasper and ran off with Jasper and they did the Joystick Samba All Night Long to Yanni and Lional Ritchie songs:

Mike Newton became a vampire and was instantly killed – dying again while dead - by a gang of wolves before he could say, "Oh hey, that's fu……….:

Cedric Diggory took the place as the fifth Volturi Four member, renaming it to the Volturi Five and they instantly became an international sensation with more fans than Robert Pattinson – true story:

Emmett married Rose and they had five kids, adopted three from other countries and joined their names together to form Rosmett and joined Brangelina in various world causes:

Greene and Stew married and divorced, and got married again and then were trampled (don't worry – they lived) by crazed paparazzi mistaking them for thespians, not lesbians – hey, it happens:

Esme and Carlisle finally enjoyed a quiet house empty of foster children, until the quickie repair job they had done on it, caused the roof to cave in. They lived and wrote a best seller, _When Bad Things Happen to People Who Aren't Too Smart_:

Charlie couldn't take Sue's obsession with Bo Bice and left her for some crazy, fat author. After one too many burgers at a diner in Forks, the author died, leaving Charlie her posthumous works that became best sellers and he lived a wealthy life with Sue Clearwater, because he realized – she was FUCKIN HOT. He then went to a Bo Bice concert and realized why Sue was a Bo Ho. He joined the fan club and they lived happily ever after in their Bo Ho haven:

_I planned each charted course;  
Each careful step along the byway,_

Okay, I mostly just wrote whatever came to mind. Not one fuckin plan. I winged this whole story. ^^

_  
But more, much more than this,  
I did it my way._

_Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew  
When I bit off more than I could chew.  
_

I lost most of my readers and reviewers during those times. Each new chapter, less reviews – less reviews – and lesser reviews. Damn, that's a lot of lessiest reviews. Damn. : ( I ended with a little sizzle - like a sizzle, sizzle, poker on the griddle.

_But through it all, when there was doubt,  
I ate it up and spit it out.  
_

Like a sparkly peen! :D

_I faced it all and I stood tall;  
_

Not really. I am five fuckin feet tall. Shit, I'm short. :\

_And did it my way._

_I've loved, _

Anoni Ellipsi…………………. ;) Call me! *starry eyes*

_I've laughed and cried.  
I've had my fill; my share of losing.  
And now, as tears subside,  
I find it all so amusing._

Heh. This was a really fun story to write. It really was, but it was tiring to bring the funny with every chapter. I mean… really tiring.

_To think I did all that;  
And may I say - not in a shy way,  
No, oh no not me,  
I did it my way.  
_  
Whoever wrote this song was even more stuck up than me. Shiiiiiite.

_For what is a man, what has he got?  
_

Do I really have to point that out? Do I? Do I? ;D

_If not himself, then he has naught.  
_

Did we really have to bring masturbation into this?

_To say the things he truly feels;_

_And not the words of one who kneels.  
The record shows I took the blows -  
And did it my way!_

He took blows? Kneeling? It sounds like he was way more into BDSM than me.

_**And now…**_

**The Real Epilogue… Really**

_**Two years later, what really happened:**_

_**(Leah's POV)**_

I loved living in the forests of Canada with Alice. We spoke to each other day in and day out through mind speak. It was like we were one. Seth even came to live with us. He met some little red headed girl named Rennnnnnessiememe in Canada. It was such a fuckin dumb name. We had to throw something at her out of anger for the stupidity of her name. It just made our skin crawl. Alice and I were sure to buy plenty of tomatoes when we went to the market. They just made for easy throwing.

Rennnnnnessiememe would walk in the door, "Hey everyone…"

POW! - A tomato across the face. Alice was a good shot.

She'd walk in the door of the little cabin we shared in the forest, and POW we'd throw random things at her; socks, stale bread, pennies, and then we graduated to fish. We always ate fish: Fish Carbonara; Fish Biscuits; Fishy Crumpets; Fish Sandwiches; Fish on a Stick; Fish off a Stick; Fish dodging a stick that's about to take it down; Fish Bread and Fish Pie.

Alice hated fish – it reminded her of seaweed - and so one day she disappeared. We couldn't find her anywhere. And then I got a phone call from Bella. Alice went to stay with her at a trailer park. Bella loved having the company and asked us to please come visit and pick up Alice because she was cramping her style. Alice was stealing her thunder and all those guys who wanted to come and do things to her – crazy things – things you wish to-heck-your-mom-doesn't-look-up-your-search-history-on-the-computer things – those kinds of things.

We couldn't say no. I needed my Alice poo. No – hah…. (I will kill anyone who repeats I said that.)

So instantly Seth and I changed into wolves and ran to Bella's. When I arrived, Jacob was sitting on the couch sucking on a chili dog from the Tastee Freeze. I said, "Oh yeah, life goes on. Long after the thrill of livin is gone. Oh yeah…."

He instantly leapt up from the couch. "LEE!" He wrapped his arms around me and then said, "I missed you so much. I realized I LOVE YOU LEE! Please… please come back to me, and … _Oh wow, you're naked_ – _nyah, nyah, nyah_."

"You just noticed?"

"My pants did." And then he smiled.

Jacob - gotta love those big sparkly teeth and that little brain. He still had teeth that sparkly sparkled, even after suckin on a chili dog from the Tastee Freeze. I didn't even know they had Tastee Freeze's in Canada – like trailer parks.

Once I felt Jacob holding my naked self it was too much and we had to make out. Instantly he started banging my head against the wall behind the couch. I forgot that part of our great sex. I was pretty sure by the end of our wall banging session I'd forget this too.

Jacob - gotta wuv those big spargawawagahhhh neeneenee chugga choo choo.

I didn't even know they had Tastee Freeze's in Canada.

I think I'd just made love to Jacob, but I kind of forgot where I was.

Once I shook out the cobwebs and with my wolfy insta-healing, recovered from the concussion and amnesia I realized I loved Jacob. I also loved Alice. But I also loved Jacob. But, I loved Alice. But, Jacob had one hell of a schlong and Alice just didn't have the equipment. Plus, it was contractual that all Blackwater fans write them together any time they touch, especially peen to pussy contact. (That's what this author told me.) So we made out… and forgot the condom. We were definitely doing nine months later on this one.

And then we saw Bella and Alice making out and it made us totally want to make out again.

…

And then we saw Bella and Alice making out and it made us totally want to make out again.

…

Wow, that wall banging really did a number on my head.

We came to a conclusion: Let Bellice be.

We Let Bellice Be, Let them be…, Let them be…, Ohhhh we Let Bellice be. We whispered words of wisdom, and let Bellice be.

We really just concluded to fuck all night long and let Bellice make out and then Bella would never go back to men, and Jacob would be safe from her and her nympho ways. And we were right. Once you had an Alice in your pocket you never went back and kept the change. Alice always had a thing for Bella anyway. One of those things I would never understand. That and what I wrote about four paragraphs up made no fuckin sense.

Fuck, I hit my head way too many times. Where was I? Oh fuck, I was in Canada living in a trailer park. Seriously, does anyone know if there are trailer parks in Canada! Anyone? Damn, my head hurt.

…_ah fuck_.

_**Two Years and Nine Months Later:**_

_**(Still Leah's POV)**_

Oh wow, I was about to have Jacob's baby and Alice and Bella, Seth and Rennnnnnessiememe were the godparents. I made Rennnnnessiememe legally change her name or I'd not allow her to be a godparent. I didn't want to scar my child with a godparent who had a gosh-awful stupid, stupider name than anyone else in the world. She changed it to Ren, and then I allowed her to look at the baby; but not hold it. She had this weird reaction when she saw tomatoes, and subsequently round things like bald baby heads, so she wasn't allowed to hold my kid.

I also named our baby a wonderful name: Waffles… Waffles Clearwater-Black.

So, I ended up with Jake. Seth ran back to Rennnnnnnnessiememe, who was now named Ren. Of course, in a pinch Jake and I didn't mind going to visit Bella and Alice for a nice little quadrangle of sexy goodness. Bella was a well-trained nympho, and Alice was the cutest gosh darn little lesbian that was ever in fanfiction or fiction. She was just the girl everyone wanted to do it with. (I believe they did a survey.)

And so we had our happily ever after and taught Ren and Bella how to make meatballs for us all, even my lovely, little Waffles. Life was good. Life was good for a wolf family living in a trailer park in Canada. : )

**A/N** **Please, play **_**The Logical Song**_**, by Supertramp and ****REVIEW****!**

**http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=M1lr_EULZS8&feature=related**

**I want to thank ALL the people who reviewed my story, "Leah's Last Stop," whether you gave it 1 or 27 reviews. I appreciate the review. I appreciate and thank those in the future who come upon my story and review it too. Thank you. I appreciate if you took the time to read my stuff. I write a bloody lot.**

**Thank you: : )**

MrsBlaCKwIfe

Jada91

Tianna M.V.A.

Reluisant Saphir Loup

Melissa Brooks

xbitemark

Anoni Ellipsi a.k.a. … (The person I'm in fic love with. *mwah* Thanks bb. *wink*)

realistjoker

Moosical

jezzeria

rebelwilla

Lenaii

X5 - 452

HPobsessssssed7

loulala1290

okaycomputer

LoveIt123

CRAZEDREADER96 A.K.A JET LEE

Team66fan

sailor alpha tomboy

Wildstar272819

ari11990

LM22102

dude-ur-house-has-wheels

Elphaba85

hayhay23

-xJesssiex-

Lillyba~ka

Maddy Miss

Jocelyn Torrent

Meddz

Scarlet Moon At Midnight

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes

**And to those who placed "Leah's Last Stop," on their Favorite Story List a special thank you. : )**

The lyrics to _The Logical Song_, by Supertramp:

_When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,  
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.  
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,  
Joyfully, playfully watching me.  
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,  
Logical, responsible, practical.  
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,  
Clinical, intellectual, cynical._

_There are times when all the worlds asleep,  
The questions run too deep  
For such a simple (wo)man.  
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned  
I know it sounds absurd  
But please tell me who I am._

_Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,  
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.  
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're  
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!_

_At night, when all the worlds asleep,  
The questions run so deep  
For such a simple (wo)man.  
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned  
I know it sounds absurd  
But please tell me who I am._

**And I leave this story with my daughter's favorite quote:**

"**It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." --- E. E. Cummings**

**^___^///**

**FIN**


End file.
